Down and Down

im here again..
although make a promises not to touch blog again..
and yet..
i cant control myself
too many fucking things have happen
i am so damn fuckingly need a damn break..
i feel like wanted to quit it all
and yet...
pressure that everyone..
EVERYONE
giving me
force me to continue..
did i still have the energy..
how much it still left?
T.T


i desperately wanted to go home badly this week
same to my mum, who call me almost everyday
wanted me to go home..
something happen in home..
maybe that's why she need me there?
keep calling me back no matter what..
but i still resist wanted to stay here to settle my assignment
but in the end, i end up doing nothing for the past two day...

oh gosh...
i am so damn in dilemma
what should i do...
it had been a shit weekend
Christmas is totally shit
i don't have the feeling to celebrate
even if i have celebrated it the previous day
i feel so damn guilty for doing so..
i am such a fucking retarded bitch..
some one save me from being so...
T.T

what a fucking year..
what a fucking day
what a fucking life i have...
everything they promises are just a bullshit
i hate it..
i hate it deep to the core...

give me motivation

give me support

so that

i wont fell down

tired

I am so freakishly fucking tired....

i really need a damn shit break

i want to go for a vacation BADLY!!...

jump to the bus and drop me some where else for a day

but not here..

TT

random

Random Pictures

accompany me with assignment

hair drop faster

random school pictures, ways to avoid boredom

flowers~~

miss it ♥~

web browser crash @@

dark room ^^

oh god!!

i grew fatter

DONE!!~~

just finished settle my assignment..

feel a little bit relieved..

and feel a little bit of fresh air flowing through my lung..

this post is just for fun..

to motivate me not to went even further

if not im going to nut soon...

too many negatively thought of mine..

typed lot of things which might hurts other if they read it...

i apologize for that...

maybe this will be the last one...

i won't think of it anymore...

i spend lot of time thinking of all this thing that wouldn't make any different toward my life..

i guess, i should start study harder

looking at notes maybe can help me distract all those thought away~~~

as for sure,

thing will not be the same again...

the melodies of lonely

keep repeating and repeating

and i love the way each time it played..

^^

try to remember..

i came with hope and dream

thinking of the hope making me smile again...

=]

yes!!

i succeeded!!~~

i want to GRADUATE~~

hated to talk...

tired to talk..

lazy to talk..

maybe i observe a lot of thing by keeping myself silent...

i learn a lot of things...

i realize a lot of things...

for them,

i realize that, i really invisible..

there are things that i requested before...

but because i am I..

therefore, a lot of things..

they wouldn't help at all....

but if other requested the same thing..

it wouldn't be the same..

people willing to even go to others house,

just to help them settle it..

maybe i have no value for them to do so..

maybe i not worth for people to do so..

by the way, i did not requested people to come to my house and fix my problem..

i can go to find you..

but the rejecting message you gave to me..

make me realize

and wake up

it's cruel...

why people love to treated me in this way?

is this because i use this way to treating all of you?

i am also a human??~~

i also have feeling~~~

hurting me, you think the scar is not as deep as other girls out there?

because i does not look like a girl?

because i am not pretty/cute/attractive?

they form a gang with me but i am being isolated

from small till now still the same...

talk in group they included me inside

but when if there is something happen..

people won't call me if there is nothing important

i am the transportation..

just like sms~ing?

my phone had die since i came here...

did not have much purpose except for calling me go meeting

that's all...

even if i sms you..

you feel weird??!!

therefore..

i think i choose the right path by avoiding..

a change...

since I'm not so important,

i make no different in this society

多我一个不多，少我一个也不少。

they are happily laughing..

every question by me being ignored..

I've became more invisible

every comment by me,

easily unseen by others..

i have no intention

to blame anyone..

maybe i am the reason

that causes things that happen now...

by the way,

i need to say thank you to my housemates

they might don't know..

but they really lighten up my days these few days...

love you all~~~

the more i wanted it..

the more it get away from me..

personality?

today,

went for management studies class..

teacher seems in a very good mood today, different from the previous days..

she talked a lot.. and everyone in the class happily laughing with each others...

she point out a question, making me in deep thinking...

what actually is your personality?

she asked all of us to go home and take personality test..

i wonder,

me myself cant understand myself..

how am i going to answer all those question about me?

listening to a songs

Yellow by Coldplay..

the starting of the song is something like this,

Look at the stars, Look how the shine for you...

I'm looking at the star everyday..

will there be a star shine for me when i left?

will there be a place for me?

i wanted to make something, before i left this world..

so that,

i will be remember as ME

not as some one else...

and still, talk is forever easier than doing so...

I've been thinking when will i going to change back my old account

maybe~~~

until i be able to control my emotion

and tear wont flow out easily..

count up until now..

4times...

Avoiding

i changed my blog link..

this few days will be the hard time for me i guess..

i need to re-looked back of what actually is me..

until I'll be able to calm down and smile back..

i will change back my blog link

too many people reading..

i mean too many people that i concern is reading...

maybe i don't want them to think that i am insane or what..

or seeking for others care and attention?

i don't know??!!!

i have adapted posting my stuff at here,

so i have no choice but just change blog link..

when i remain silent,

there is a lot of time, i bared hard to hold my tears not to flow out..

just feel wanna cry anytime..

for them, i maybe thinking too much and this is self bring problem..

but i just don't know why i will feel like this...

i spend lots of money recently

feeling so damn fun spending money...

the moment i can concentrate looking at those unliving material and

forget bout others things...

i change my bed location to the living room..

maybe i afraid of talking to people

afraid that i will hurt them..

or

i afraid that they will see me in tears..

alone sleeping at this big living room

remind me of my room back then..

a place where i can lock myself and cry alone...

i really afraid

afraid that people will know..

afraid that i will losing something which i treasure..

everything seems to be very far away from me..

leaving me~~~

and

still the same..

i cant helped myself to cry in front of laptop again...

headache~ing

I'm searching for a reason

to ignore

to avoid

to get away

from you

...

i have no place to go except here...

i cant believe what i did just now..

i cant remember whether i get into sleep or not...

for sure..

i cried to sleep

wake up crying again...

I've try to motivate myself everyday..

but is getting harder and harder...

and i end up writing all this again...

yesterday,

i saw something flying at the sky

i thought i saw something wrong..

until she tell me, there is meteor shower occur this few days..

i only manage to see few,

one or two,

and my eye now in pain because of the light street...

cant believe that i sit alone and watch it for hour i guess...

should i make a wish?

i cant think of any wishes that i wants

maybe there is a lot of things that i wants..

so if wanna choose one between those,

i rather choose not to wish anythings

since my wishes never come true...

silly to believe in something which can never be reality...

i can feel the total loneliness when i was out there...

just now,

i think of doing thats again...

the things which i have put down two year ago..

came across to my mind again...

tonight is such a long long night~~~

it never happen,

everything is just a lied.

i am human

haih~~

too many incident happen recently

making me hard to get to sleep right now

I'm trying to make my eye tired,

so i can easily went to sleep without thinking so much....

afraid that, i will think too far away..

even now,

I'm thinking far away,

can't help myself to go out and cry...

i am so damn sad..

friends ask me what happen,

but i cant explain to them in word..

it was like, not their problem,

why should i tell them..

sleeping in worried making me nervous everyday..

even going out,

i will think of lots of things..

too many things to concern...

i wander why people love to link me with others....

there forever going to me and some one else..

and there is no me...

if others are not existed, means I'm not invisible in others people eye...

will there be a people will remember me because of me

and not because of others..

TT

sad

pain within my heart

when will it gone...

for your information,

i am also a human...

same? different?

the moment when you felt you done something right..

that actually is the moment you make a big mistake of your life

I've done a lot of mistake every single days as i live on

the problem is,

the mistake that I've done,

i will not face it..

the reason of my ignorance to face this maybe because i am afraid

afraid of being rejected

humiliating..

i've try to do all my best as i could..

but i still cant control my anger and my attitude...

making everyone around me feeling so uncomfortable with me,

and the result?

misunderstood occured..

maybe this one

can wake me up..

a lesson to me,

dont throwing out shit anytime as i like..

everyone have a feeling..

therefore,

between you and me..

maybe the very next day, we will talked again..

but for sure is,

it will never going to be the same again...

the guiltiness within me,

telling me to control myself

so

you will not get hurt by me

again..

life is not been that easy,

everyone worked so hard..

just to survive in this society..

im just wandering,

how come there are some still can enjoy while other have to suffer for them?

life is never been fair..

but if the life is getting fair, will we appreciate it?

just like i enjoy sleeping so much..

because i work hard to sleep

just to get into a good and long sleep without any disturbances..

people back then does not know..

i really worked hard..

worked so damn hard to be still standing at here...

although the result were not so good as other expected..

but at least,

i enjoy the process..

this will be the 4 years life of me starting from now..

maybe it will be a disasterious life ever..

but in future,

it will be a great experience and memories

keep it up KOK WAI YIN...

Double Faced

what i can say?

ever since i know you

i already know you are this type of people..

but i just bared it and continue my life

without you disturbing mine

and i disturbing you..

but i never thought that you will really go and talk bad behind me

while in front of me..

you acted like an angel..

treating all my friend so damn good..

i really don't understand what is your problem..

other's people say that they did not understand you

but i don't feel like that..

every single move of you

is like under my prediction..

just waiting it to happen only..

maybe starting from now onward..

i will never trusted you again...

just do whatever thing you like..

and you

what the fuck wrong happen to you!!!

i never step on the fucking back tail of you

did not even throw any shit in front of you

and you keep on showing me this kind of fucking assie face?

what the fuck!!

sorry..

i cant help myself from saying all this things..

a lot of thing you done to me..

i did not even say or complain a words..

i can be said as a very considerate human for you already..

letting you own all the things which i have part to share..

the thing i hated so much.. i even let you do

and now..

you stepping my on head even further..

you are such a fucking asshole..

yea you are a good people, everyone love you more than me...

i know i know..

and i am the bad people complaining at here...

fuck!!

I Miss Diamond Bay?

as time pass..

i've been staying here for more than 2 weeks...

maybe is been too long i never chat with my mum..

yesterday, when i called back..

she tell me that,

i nearly will never see her in life again..

she fall sick and fainted at the bathroom for hours till she wake up her own...

and no one realize that,

maybe because of my brothers and father that hate to stick at house..

making my mother feel lonely all the times..

i really don't know what i can do or said to you through phone..

but

Take Care..

i never stayed at here for such a long period..

it was fun

and tiring...

everything have to be settle by own..

but i still need accompany by my friends..

every weekend will be the nightmare..

starting assignment~ing unstop

will the work can be settle by time??..

everyone worked so damn hard just to finish the job..

unfair?

or is me who did not really believe in other's capability?

staying at here,

really tiring..

have to live together with the sound of alarm clock that wake me up every morning..

nightmare..

everyday have to force myself thinking of those

unfinished works..

unwashed cloths..

i wanted to sleep without disturb from anythings~~

T.T

i just miss my home

miss my bed

miss my pillows

miss my blanket

miss my TV

missing every single things

I Miss Diamond Bay

I Miss SS~ing at my home

I Miss The Old Me

Suddenly I Miss U so much><

Take Care

see you soon if possible

I Miss SS~ing at FastFood Shop

I Miss Those days~

where i need not have to worried bout the fucking homework

I Miss going Lepak~ing

although i did not do that frequently

taking a deep breath

and continue the work^^

the reason of ignorance of her

is because

she is afraid that she will fell in love with her?

Joy of Christmas

recently,

i had a very hard time..

maybe is the effect of thinking too much..

or maybe is the effect of doing too many bad stuff..

treating other badly making me feeling so guilty..

just today..

i receive a present from my house mate..

this present really mean a lot for me...

especially during this time..

nearly burst into tear when i saw the notes..

i feel so warm..

i don't know what is the true meaning behind Christmas...

but for me

it mean accepting, giving and forgiving..

accepting..

everything of you..

the bad and good of you

look at other perceptions,

maybe i can see through something different from you

giving..

give all out for you..

try as hard as possible to help you

maybe sometime,

you cant sense or felt that i had helped you before..

but at least

when you at the hard time,

i was there by your side before..

maybe some days,

you might forget...

but at least..

now, i think it worth for me to do so...

forgiving..

forgive all the things that you make me upset before..

forgive everything..

just forgive...

and

hopefully

our friendship

will last forever..

merry Christmas my dear friends..

i really appreciate everyone of you...

for the everything that you had done to me..

I LOVE YOU...

i love this

the first of my life time,

i receive something hand-make present..

some more is Christmas present^^

p/s: i value you too^^

failed

at the end..

i failed again..

just like what happen yesterday

I'm not aiming to be a perfectionism..

but

the effort which i put on..

seems like being throw into the dustbin...

mind feel so blank yet so full...

i cant remember any single things...

so sad..

i can feel the pain deep inside..

why should we live life for study everyday?

i really afraid of the word FAIL

ever since i came here..

too much unsolved problem..

can i settle it all?

too much conflict..

will it end?

too many people hurts..

will it recover?

on the way back home,

i saw lots of people celebrating their days..

next to my house,

i saw them happily playing with friends

and i wonder..

if i am here, would anyone came to me?

finally i can get into sleep without worries for a night..

assignment and test

making me sleepless this few days..

i wanted to get into sleep right now...

i don't want to think of all those things that burden me..

let me rest in peace for a night...

and tomorrow..

life goes on~~

night bloggie..

CS~ing everyday

killing people making me feeling so alive

XD

what does it feel like

what does it feel like to be left completely alone,

what does it feel like to be ignored all the time,

what does it feel like to be rejected all the time,

what does it feel like to living in darkness all the time.

what does it feel like,

when you want at least some one beside you,

you realize, you cant find anyone..

what does it feel like,

when you see others live their life to the max

while you live to the zero

saying all this, thinking all this thing

will only make yourself hurt..

as everyone is happily enjoying time with friends..

chatting...

played their roles as a good student..

here i am again..

third time in less than 24hours...

stepping leg outside the world alone,

need courage,

which i haven't own it yet..

it is not easy to continue..

every night

whenever I'm alone at here, i will started to wander what is the point for me to keep holding on

my hand started to tremble

and eye feel so pain, as the tear were trying to out...

when will all this end....

i keep tell myself do not bother bout this topic so much..

but whenever people start talking bout it..

i will feel pain deep inside my heart..

although they never ask anything bout my life before..

but

just hearing other people stories will make me flew far away from reality

those bad images keep displaying..

until now,

i cant and don't know how to flash back the good memories of mine

everything seems vanish one by one as day passes...

i never mention out doesn't mean I'm happy

i never mention out doesn't mean I'm brave

doesn't mean i am incredible

doesn't mean i wont drop my tears

doesn't mean i can do everything..

doesn't mean i don't want care from you

but at the end..

i mean nothing to you

when i talk thing bout me..

people thought i crazy

when i talk less bout me

people thought i am arrogant

i wonder..

i can stand how long before i collapse

i wonder..

am i the extra of life?

i wonder..

how come their relationship is so good?

is it the cause and effect of boycotting other?

I'm receiving the effect?

by the way,

if you laughing how stupid am i writing all this crap

please get lost from here...

as i like how i wanna spend my time writing this crap

i hate this

hate to see this

hate to heard this

hate to feel this

hate it

hate it

i hate it..

just hate for whatever things that happen recently

when think back

i feel that i was such a jerk, keep shitting.. fucking around..

i am so superb-extremely bad!!

everything start from me..

i am the one who influence other to do bad things..

i am the one who make other to it..

making everyone feel so damn awkward

i just hate the way i am...

i hate

i jealous

i angry

i am fukerlism..

this is so damn funny~~

i am the one who start it..

but i am blogging bout this everyday

whining bout this..

i hope this semester end quickly end..

ahhh...

i am so damn tired and i have so many shit inside my heart that did not dare to speak out

i wanna some one to scold me

tell me that i am a jerk

i had done wrong

please don't support or back up me

for everything that I've done...

the best moment is

when i said nothing at all...

this will be the

best solution...

finally

ahhh~~

finally i can back to the net world..

looks like,

i cant live without the INTERNET

this few days,

rushing assignment in my house with my classmates

three days and two nights..

staying under the same roof

sleep less than 5 hours a day..

at first,

it is quite a disaster starting..

after a heavy rain, suddenly i cant get the connection..

i feel totally sorry for my classmate,

as everyone came with all the equipment..

but at least we manage can do something...

it was a interesting experience to spend two nights with them..

^^

*******************************************************************************

i really don't know how to face you anymore...

to say that i hate you, actually im not..

to say that i like you, i cant be said so anymore..

i really feel guilty for letting everything become like this

but i dint feel like wanna mending it back..

just let it be like this..

maybe this is the good for me... and you

midterm test is around the corner..

some i did quite well and some were so so~~

blame on me that did not spend so much time on revising..

tired

is started to getting more and more tired

i met my friend that successfully can step their legs into the local university..

i was totally jealous with their study life at there..

it seems so simples,

and need not have to study till gila like me..

just because the government wanna protect their races..><

some times..

I'm getting breathless..

feel like fainting down anytime...

Christmas is coming soon

everyone plan lots of thing..

what should i do?

planning to go back home and sleep whole day again...

or go to somewhere else? but finance problem really headache~ing..

maybe just sleep...

since, that is the only day i can rest my body..

the following week until the week of Christmas..

I'm gonna have sleepless night almost everyday i guess..

rushing for assignment and presentation..

although some work had start earlier compare to the last semester

but the work seems unfinished..

last week, i plan for everything..

but plan dint work well..

i hope i can finish all this by schedule..

i wanna upload some picture..

next time...

bye~~

i snore

I'm sleepy

short blog

money flow out fast..
i had spend lots of money this week..
i eat like a king!!
is time to control my budget..

started to think back.
is it my fault for the ignorance?
i just don't understand why..
I'm a Bad Bad Girl...

i never hate you
if i really hate you
i hate myself more than hating you..

people that didn't know..
will never understand
just like i never understand you
so i will never know what you want..
i keep on forcing other to accept what i want
and never consider
what actually other's want what..
being selfish can protect and satisfy yourself
but it will hurt others
just like if there is an in,
there surly have an out..

i want other to know about me
but i never get know to other
is this the reason of the ignorance of you?
i never keep secret
i talked without think twice
is this the reason you avoiding me?
i keep on talking bad bout you
i stabbed your back
is this the reason you hate me?



i never wanted anyone to concern bout me
i just shared out what i feel
and what i want only

i never beg for more

as long as you are happy

than it is more than enough