read a post from my friend
remind me that im getting old
i've been in this world for twenty one years old
achieve nothing and had no specifically skills which i can be proud of
living in a super normal life,
studying for half of the age but i still felt stupid

one thing that make me feel bless is
im not living in poverty




talk something with my friend
and it really does reflect and show how stupid i am
had a deep thought of it
geez, why does it will affect my emotion
but then, it felt kinda relieve after talking bout it
if i keep think of it, my expectation will grew higher and higher...
and in the end,
i make the final decision
fine! just stop thinking bout it for now,
it might be another memory for me to be remember in future

the year of 2011 going to end soon
real soon
im going to hide myself from the world!
bye~


questions of the year:
1. y u still __________?
2. there is no ________?

Orz

learn

Christmas just ended few days ago,
i had a good time chatting with some friends of mine
talking about anything to nothing
except for something which i dislike and everything just turn awkward in a sudden
*friend i apologize of my sudden rudeness, i did that because i hate it if people bring out this issues in public*

i may love to request a lot in front of you
i hope you can do this, i wish you can do that
but in fact,
I'm not
most of the time,
I'm just saying it just to make a chit chat topic
but not with my bbf of course.. i really expect my bbf will do it..
:P
learn not to make blank promises
learn not to give other pressure with those 'wants' i wish to get from them

i make mistake,
though i knew part of it is not my mistake
i just admit it to prevent further argument..
i hate to look at myself in anger
i hate myself when i start to talk back in anger..
i dislike myself behave like a bitch
is not that I'm pretending to be goodmannerorinnocent baby.
just nod, smile and say sorry..
learn to control my anger aka anger management

my parent dislike me spending money on those unnecessary stuff
such as cleansing foam
yeah, i never use cleansing foam/facial in home,
just wash with plain water or soap?
for them, it is unnecessary to clean your face with those stuff,
if your face turn uglier (with pimples and or dark spot)
they simply put on blame on that facial stuff..
LOL this is my mama, kinda cute
what i wanna buy they will say NO
so most of the things i want to buy is still on the wanted list
thanks to them, i save a lot
sometime when think back, i maybe does not need those stuff
learn to control my eager to buy things
learn to differentiate needs and wants..

i dump my friends a lot
most of my friends,
I'm not the one who will take the first move to say hello
maybe i should change that and start saying hello
learn to be extrovert instead of introvert
learn to use verbal instead of nonverbal communication

learn not to look down on myself
instead of saying i can't or I'm not
tried saying now you're not/can't but not in future

people who know this,
i guess only one..
i run away instead of facing it..
if it give the feeling of insecure and make me want to run away
is it indicate that i hate it?
or im just not prepare for it..
learn to accept
learn not to avoid
learn a proper way to avoid.. LOL
till now i still avoiding it, this is totally creepy =.= i know I'm bad
I'm still living in my own world
world that won't give me hurt and everything is under my control.
i am not prepare to step out from my own world yet.

learn to in love with tea
this is random haha
i heard that tea can help to reduce weight
i keep eat and eat non-stop since the sem break start
met with lots of relatives and friends
all of them said: 'wow thin dy, kampar no food eat?'
i don't know i should believe it or not whether i really thin or is just a sentences to say instead of hello
my face is getting chubbier and the pants is getting tighter
symptom of getting fat..
i need to be more thinner
every year resolution to be thin but i failed...
is a good thing of going internship alone,
i wanna make a huge makeover if possible LOL (at least thinner)
trying to avoid seeing my friends this five months,
see what will they said to me after five month xD


learn to dress well
i think i need to improve in this
since i born till now,
i don't have any fashion sense though i love to see how well people dress
when it come to buying cloth to myself
i epic-ly failed
should i find someone to blame? xD
yeap my parent again of course, they keep giving me the impression that our family are actually poor
we are so damn poor that i couldn't buy a shirt which is expensive than rm15
we are so damn poor that i couldn't buy a pant which is expensive than rm30
but now everything changes,
we have e-commerce, lots of online shop with cheap deal...
but then, even i bought those awesome apparel that definitely make yourjawdrops
i couldn't wear out, i still prefer t-shirts and pants
well then just forget bout this,
stick back to t-shirts and pants.. :P
by the way, we are still poor Orz

with all this so many things to learn
i take it all as resolution of the upcoming years


end this post with a song from The Click Five that promoting awareness about human traffic
love them

superstitious me
everytime looking at the clock
it would be double same

***************************************

a friend tell me that my blog is dull
is even more dull with those sleepinggenretype songs
i change it, but with only a songs..
zzz
i cant add in songs in it, i dont know why



okay
the purpose of blogging today ain't suppose to talk bout this
but internship stuff had been keep making me so frust
other's seems happy and satisfied leaving school for internship
while me.. erm, i don't know what to say

i choose alone go interview to a company
why?!
most of my classmate all decided not to intern
some who are lucky enough to be born at big city, can intern at company near them
my parent keep said i am stupid enough to go alone
i was thinking, when i grew up later,
i was suppose to go alone also, what is the different?
the most stupid thing i had to admit is letting go the other opportunity
sigh, not to mention bout it anymore...




at first i suppose to feel relieve..
aaah~ finally there is a company willing to hire me
but now, intern at a Ipoh is not easy..
no transportation, u die
people keep telling me the public transportation is not as punctual as those in kl
no accommodation yet,
next week gonna start my job, and i haven't found a place for me to sleep
the place i wanna go, my parent wouldn't allow
the place my parent want me to go, i don't feel like going..
urgh!

i don't wanna trouble other relative or friends
my face is not that thick enough
one week is already enough killing my pride..
my parent keep want the best for me
as what they said,
im a girl, that is the real problem..

if keeping me safe till the end,
when would i be able to grow?
just like driving car..
keep did not let me drive it,
now, i feel like a loser and you keep saying is my fault for not drive it out
and now keep pushing me to drive ==

im not saying that is my parent fault for all this mess..
most of it is my fault too for too obedient (LOL wtf is it?)
whatever
things had come to here and i need to think of things to clear it up


this saturday and sunday gonna spend a day trip to there to search for room

sigh~

i am too tired to enjoy my holiday after i came back to home

all i wanna do is just lay down and sleep

enjoy reading my books with music i like with a cup of hot drinks

online and watching video from facebook and youtube

i just love to stay at home silently without disturbance

and all of it,

gonna end soon

start with hate, end with love

Last night at here..
gonna miss everything at here for 5months

the first thing
the foods
<3
nasi lemak

the second things
my friends
:D
im gonna superdupermissingyoualllikehell
please miss me too
5month times,
we gonna meet up again
each of us
must turn pretty and handsome^^

..........................................

some random picture

the before and the after

i use a total of 3hour plus to clean plus packing
pack all those stuff in need for 5 months
2 years at here, and i accumulate damn lots of rubbish
#tiredlikehell

the last picture
snap yesterday while reading for the last paper
ah ah~


#########################

can't believe that it had been two year plus i stayed here
time flew fast when i start to enjoyed it
i still remember how much i hate everything at here during the 1st year
:)
think back,
i had been silly
i had been crazy
i had been moody
i had been happy
i had been touch
every emotion that mix up and make me up what i am today
and yeah,
im slowly in love with what i am doing now
so in love with everything at here :3
thank you

start with hate
end with love
im gonna miss u

你怎么
拥有
让我感动的能力

你怎么
总是可以
让我爱上你

你怎么
总是可以
让我忘了一切
很沉迷的
感觉
很沉迷的
感受
很沉迷的
往进
第二人生





就算世界再多残忍
你让我
望着星空
不觉得一个人孤单

漫漫的
像个傻瓜一样
努力的追梦
有些事現在不做一輩子都不会做了
OAOA~

很想学guitar

很痴迷爱上你
五月天

水瓶

今天
很不开心
倍半我度过六年的亲爱的水瓶
不见了
！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！

考试时
明明还在，
回家的路上感到很不安
结果还给我猜对了
我忘了它
T.T
用很快的速度
回到学校，
找完了整个课室
垃圾桶
都没看到它

打扫阿婶
为什么
你那么勤劳


六年的回忆
就只剩下
这四张照片吧~

你我的回忆
我会记得！
你我的感情
我会怀念！

T.T
伤心死了

可不可以
再次
出现在我面前？

***********************
第八号作品
2012
我要！

我的电话

不懂从几时开始

不喜欢电话了

并不讨厌

而是，不像以前那样

非常的需要

去到那都要有它

还常会以为电话响了

现在

漫漫的忘了它存在

出去也不带

还忘了，自己放了什么铃声

它对我最重大的意义

就是闹钟

没它，每晚我会感到不安

因为 除了它 没人 会 叫醒我

啊~ 啊~

电话 = 闹钟

打电话？ = 电脑？

信息？ = msn? plurk? facebook?

:P

对于它，朋友们 和 家人

感到很抱歉...

朋友，我会连家人的电话都忘了接

所以， 不要怪我 没回你信息

不要怪我不接你电话

^^

但说真的，

我也很懒惰去回信息

*i mean those message which more than 2 hours old, unless very important..

somehow it depends, even if i receive a message,i also won't replying you because i don't want further replying due to laziness LOL..

maybe i hate this kind of commitment,

i must reply! it is a must! <-some sort like this.. i tied in this commitment when i start to reply

and also ending it~

it was like who going to end this sms..

and the ending message all went weird weird..

eg: okok!, haha! <- no point right?*

我也不会打回去

*unless more than 2miss calls or 2 day u continuous call back* <-(this is how i treat my family)

p/s: those are for some cases only.. im not always like that..

maybe due to the hand pain, im getting lazier to press phone..

pain ler!

one example when i will get totally absorb pressing my phone is

when i'm getting into an awkward meeting/reunion/chit chatting session

somebody please save me out from there!

but i guess, i will spend most of the time wandering around rather than pressing my phone :P

**************************************************

话说

要过年了

过了圣诞

就播这首歌~

never knew why,

whenever listen to new year songs..

eye start get teary..

when started grew up,

new years doesnt really mean new years and getting angpao plus family reunion..

it do mean something special..

well

this is

a very good remix..

combine lots of new year songs

and video shooting whole over Malaysia!

pretty Malaysia :)

*guess you never figure out

the 1st song on my playlist is actually a christmas song

sad Christmas*

以前，

看到别人

一个人吃饭，

一个人逛街，

一个人的在生活

会觉得，

他

怎么找出这种勇气

怎么去习惯这种习惯

而我，

死也不要一个人..

就算饿了

就算闷了

都不要自己一个人出去

感觉很傻

看到朋友或家人

一个人的话，

会想尽办法

去陪陪他们

总觉得，

一个人的感觉

很孤单，

很恐怖，

所以，

就是不要他们有这种感觉

最近，

我学会了

一个人行动

（虽然有点懒惰出去）

原来

也没什么嘛~

可以，

一个人

花多多时间

看自己喜欢看的东西

用漫长的时间发呆

乱逛

乱走

这感觉

蛮舒服

************************

saw some of this during shopping

teddy cookies

though it taste super sweet (*not really like*)

but i love the cute cute bear bear shape

ABC chocolate!

been searching for this cookies for ages

and i finally found it!!!

like~

Mr.Jimmy product

adding it to my favorite list

learning Chinese from him :P

this is how fragile love can be

once it break,

it leak out

though you manage to mend it back.

it took times,

to fill it again.

it took a lot a lot of time..

saw a past blog post from a friend of mine,

remind me of a lot of things

but from what i saw
after sometime have pass
she seems happy with her single life
i just felt that
the time they use to cherish together
is a bit wasted to let go.

###################################

the truth is,

i never delete the old messages in my phone mailbox.

i never dare to read it back.

though it is not any important message,

but i keep it.

*and now every five message receive, i have to delete some of the message*

i don't know why,

maybe i scare of forgetting it

or

lesser and lesser people,

send me some warm forwarded sms.

i have to admit i think too much,

towards everything

a simple good morning i receive from you everyday

i will interpret wrongly.

i still remember it clearly though many year had pass

and

we never contact since then.

i feel so sorry bout that.

i don't even know what had happen actually.

it stuck on my mind sometimes.

a recent drama teach me

"love is not only fragile, but dangerous in the same time"

"everyone want to step into it,

but they never knew,

they step inside happily,

but,

they came out

crying"

will you still dare to step into it?

when the time came,

when he came

when i realize

i will!

will i found?

will he came?

the one who

saw what i saw

heard what i heard

love what i love

do housecore for me

cook for me

LOL!

crap time over~

time to face note again..

recently,

super addicted with 꽃미남 라면가게

make me fantasy a lot

*shy shy*

i wish she will be happy again
i wish he still remember me
i wish

do you want to know?

Life,

never felt satisfied by one.

keep moving on.

though i had failed it.

though i had to bare with all those negative comments.

though i had never been accepted.

life never stop,

bullying me.

i treat it as

game

if i lose it,

i gain experience.

if i win it,

i brag about it :)

###############################

how do you define ugly?

how ugly is ugly?

how do you define pretty?

how pretty is pretty?

am i ugly or pretty?

my life is ugly?

or

my life is pretty?

pretty and ugly

is not an issue

but most people make a big fuss with it.

###############################

keep asking myself with all stupid question,

i want to know what other think i am.

i want to know if they understand what i'm trying to let them know what i know

i want to know,

if

what i know,

they don't know

will they want to know it?

###############################

saying no to not know what other want to let you know

is very rude!

i hate!

yet,

there are still people don't want to know it.

simple example,

u mute my player..

i had just change some new songs

don't you wanna know what i love? ^^

just crapping stuff..

thanks for reading it

and

thanks for listening to my playlist ♡

things had been going on too smoothly

i get what i want, i get what i wish for

sometimes, i just scare that i get too much, i had to return more

can't help myself being greedy

i guess,

that is what i want most..

that's the reason of me being so sad till cried..

sigh~

i let go the good opportunity..

i hope the other company will treat me good~

just move forward and hope for the best

international company..

i guess someday in future,

with my own capabilities

i can still create the opportunity

with this blog post..

im gonna end my moody feeling over this internship

study hard hard to recover back my cpga!

all the best my friends

study time is pack,

i am not regretting taking so much subjects this semester..

in fact,

i'm enjoying it (i guess),

dealing with rushing assignment,

midterm,

quiz,

and also finding internship for next semester..

i make a lot of stupid mistake..

i learn from it,

learn a lot,

especially for job interview,

and

job finding..

i listen a lot of talk from some famous company..

then only i realize how tiny i am,

how weak i am..

measuring my capability,

asking myself,

do i qualify?

am i good enough?

one year left in university,

and i still think i din't grow up much yet

wanted to use the time left to really wake myself up..

by the way,

i found an intern job..

i'm not sure whether it suit me or not..

a friend of mine once told me,

'wasted 30k but end up doing something else?'

kinda true,

i decided to use this intern period to try to love the thing i study..

hopefully,

everything,

will went smoothly

my assignment went super smoothly..

my group mates and i cracked head to think of a new ideas..

in the end,

lecturer accepted it

and

we also won a chance to enter a competition..

muahahaha!

if really enter the competition,

i wonder did i have time to blog, facebook and sleep?

hahaa~

we will see how things goes later..

some random pictures ♥

my big big table that accompany me study

(though im using a smaller one now :P)

when me vs assignment

(macam very rajin hor)

a little thing i did for flea market

and also for the future future market ♥

please support me at lomo-ing

last

for 11/11/11

pepero days!

cant find any pepero at here

so i duplicate it with rocky ♥

the end ♥

自卑

以前
会觉得
自己不够美
而很自卑

除了不够美
还觉得自己不够好

努力把自己
解脱这些想法

努力
不比较

努力
去接受

努力
去享受生活
看看不一样的世界

努力的
呼吸
这世界的美

用很多逃避方式
就这样
我活过来

最近
自卑感又来了
不够美
不够好
不够聪明
一直怪自己不够努力

这世界
这社会
接受不了
我的
太多的不完美

找了几个朋友
想说说
最近
我很伤心
但
还没开的了口
就被拒绝

每次都会将
在我最低落的侍候
没有人在
没有人愿意把事情丢下
听听我说话

因为某些原因
和几个朋友
呆在一起
听着他们聊聊天
还真的要谢谢他们
如果没有的话
我可能
在家
一个人
安静下来的时候
更想不开

真的
很想
哭出来

现在
静静
一个人
想了好多

其实
我算是什么嘛
哪里有资格去 要求
哪里有资格去烦人
别傻了
下次
不要在去烦人




寻找爱？
其实
知道自己有很多的不好
要求可能从很高
变的很低
很怕失望
把很多事都看得很重
这些想法
在中学才敢要求
现在
让它活在幻想里
不要想太多了

幸运的是
我还有
家
开着门
等我回

累啊

手疼到很够力一下
忙完了
想好好的睡觉

完。

暗恋 幸福

暗恋是很幸福

没压力

就单纯的喜欢

无限的想象

他，

到底是个怎样的人

他，

可以是个怎样的人

他，

可以跟着我情绪而改变

他，

可以是很多人 任何一个人

他，

在很远 但 很近

虽然知道现实的他

很坏

但

暗恋他

在我幻想世界里

很完美

不懂从几时开始

喜欢一个人发呆

就开始想起他

开始傻傻的笑

梦见他，

多希望可以睡久一点

喜欢听他喜欢的歌

喜欢看他的照片

喜欢听他的声音

喜欢他的歌

喜欢他的可爱

虽然朋友都说他是假的

我还是喜欢

很喜欢 ♥

就这样

我暗恋了许多的人

啊啊~

每天都有不同的暗恋之旅

不必担心，只是写到很开心

夸大很多 :P

너무 너무 너무 좋아해

진짜 행복하기 ♥

*****

最近流行虫虫和猫猫

自己也做了一个

本人最喜欢灰色猫猫

因为 他 也有一个 ^^

procrastinating again

i sleep vigorously when i trying to avoid something..

=.=

spending time thinking what to do and how to do

wasted time which can actually doing it..

yeeehah~!

i wonder with this kind of attitude,

i can or can not survive in the society in future

acting cute might help?

heeeeeeeeeee? :S

sorrie...

i dislike to mirror myself,

one small reason is, i often get shocked by myself O_O

one main reason is, once i look at the mirror, i spend hours on it..

looking at myself for hours~ =.=

i cut my hair..

previously i din't realize

after spend an hour looking at mirror..

i realize, i look fugly!

i regret after looking at the beautiful long fringe by others

should just tahan! :(

=.=

the end

gardening part 2

=.=

the soil is too chemical, the seed wont grow..

SAD.. I'm really looking forward for it to grow,

pop out at least a tiny root will do? :.(

my father and lil bro when to dig another kind of soil from other places..

so i mix those two soil together..

hopefully this time, it will grow~

thanks to my father and lil bro for helping me :D

tomorrow morning have to go out,

several things i need to do:

1) do some survey for item need to buy for school society

2) check out some hat/cap

3) develop my filmsss (if i have money, i think my purse left only RM1 with several coins xD)

4) snap some random pictures?

result release,

though it is not a very good result,

i feel blessed..

little bit disappointed (maybe), study quite hard for several subject but end up.. sigh~

never mind.. try harder for next semester..

semester break gonna end soon!

yeah!

can't wait for it,

think i am recharge for the upcoming semester,

getting more excited maybe because this year gonna end soon..

I'm really looking forward for what is going to be happen next year :P

plus plus,

i think i have get rid a little bit of my stick-to-home diseases,

though home is nice,

but living alone let me have a different perspective on it..

i start to enjoy and live in the word of freedom..

the time left is getting lesser and lesser,

i want to do more, see more, taste more, listen more, sense more and try more

with no regret..

kakaka, I'm getting inspired with those independent living style

watch too much drama and movie,

love the beautiful way they living...

I'm going to be one too in future (hope so :P)

for next upcoming semester

with packed timetable and little add-on schedule..

things will be going to be a little bit busy..

going to make a little pledge here:

1)no skipping class for sleeping

that's all...

end this post with SS pictures...

:P

face getting bigger and eyes getting smaller..

going to stick with spec, at least the spec lenses make my eye slightly bigger xD

and and

my hair..

i don't know how to describe it..

=.=

cut it?

next semester gonna live as one-eyed girl

kns hair :P

recently so into my blog music..

environment make me change to who i am now..

sometime not i don't want

is you make me feel like it is unnecessary to do so..

and in the end,

i will choose to be the one you think i am

you know, i hate you judging me..

misjudging!

you never care and bother to know more about me,

yet you pretend as if you know a lot about me..

and keep telling what you think i am to other people

sigh.. i don't care much and don't want to care much what you tell other people..

i don't want to give back any comment or feedback..

treat it as a joke

did not complain much as i shouldn't blame kids

only kids behave like this...

a place for us

somehow

someday

sometime

somewhere

there is a place for us

6/10/2011

The White

vs

The Black


working is tiring and boring..

to make one pack,

need 100pcs plastic bag..

one plastic approximately one second to make it..

everyday keep counting from one to fifty repeatedly..

time pass so slow,

so sleepy yet can sleep, (one small mistake, say goodbye to your finger)

so tired yet cant rest for more than one minute,

each two minute sit for 20-30 seconds?

no people to see,

only the machine chopping the plastic,

I'm bored till counting each of the plastic..

playing around with ruler..

watching the second ticking tocking...

working is tiring..

back to home,

lying like a dead fish,

doesn't feel like moving.. :P

today went to deliver stock with my dad,

coconut factory..

the first time i see sea of coconut,

the floor is full of coconut shell and coconut dust..

so hard to breath...

no picture took..

hmm, small town at here got so many interesting small industry...

learn lots of thing...

Gardening Diary

is been awhile,

one of my most realistic dream is to see a real sunflower plants..

i never saw a real one before, all this while i get close to fake one or see through pictures..

so i make my mind to plant one!

so i can see the every stage of sunflower growth..

therefore, few months ago (lol, I've been very busy)
I bought a packet of sunflower seed..

heee :)

done a little research,

in order to the sunflower to start bloom,

it need around 3-5months..

hmm, hope i can be able to see them grow~

base on the seed name,

the outcome should be something like the picture belows

omg totally love it ♥, hopefully the package description dint cheat me

with a little strength digging some soil (good soil) from my fathers workplace..

around 100kg? or 80kg? to fill up this 4 'little' pots..

superb thanks to my little brother who done a lot of hard work loading all those heavy packets of soil with me..

i couldn't finish it fast with my own energy..

my mum said, the soil may contain lots of chemical

therefore must be wash by rain (water) for two-three days first..

tadaa~ this is how my little pot looks like...

a big pot, two medium pot and one slightly smaller than the medium one..

pray for a good rain this few days,

so that it can wash away all the chemical for my baby sunflower to grow healthier

i'll update again when i start planting it :)

ps: happy vegetarian days~

bloggy full of dust and i even forgotten the key to enter it..

luckily i manage to retrieve it back..

is been awhile..

the past few week full of stress, joy and sad~

overall 30% stress, 15%joy and sad 55%.

reason i don't want to blog is for sure is going to increase my stress and sadness.. :P

but everything had past tense, now i should focus on praying hard that i wont failed any subjects this semester.. Orz

semester break start,

instead of choosing earning money working somewhere else..

i choose to work with my parents..

sigh..

it should be happy, try to be cheerful for work..

everytime i went to work with them, for sure i will end up thinking a lots of negative things

but

kids nowadays really should follow their parents work for a day..

to feel themselves how hard their parent earn those money for them..

when they pay money eat kfc/sushi king or any luxury foods for lunch,

what is your dad having? nasi lemak with teh ais? mihun goreng?

the place my father work is kinda far away from the town,

not many thing can be choose to eat,

sometime my mum choose to buy some foods at 6am and bring it to work for lunch

food such as nasi lemak.. (the very small size without ayam) or fried mee with mihun (RM1)

one people only one packets...

zzzz! i still can survive with that foods till 6pm,

but i dont know bout my dad and mum..

not everyday they having this, they got go out to the nearby shop to eat nasi campur..

the point is not bout what they eat, is how they spend their money on the food compare with us..

most of the reason i starve myself is i am lazy, but is also because my mum and dad who spend a little money for food.. i as their child, zzzz.. what can i say..

talk bout working...

the machine making problem is quite headache...


the backside of my dad,

though all the people talking bad bout him, but i still love him...

only until working with him, i can understand how much stress he is baring through himself though he never tell us...

T.T



my mum...

looking at the window... peeping the uncle who construct factor

they are getting old, and yet still be able to be so hardworking...

everyday wake up at 6am+, sleep at 12am+

even me who still sleeping keep finding excuses to skip the work (but in the end, i still manage to be awake)

sigh...

i seldom talk about my family..

and things about me..

too much unhappy thing that i am scare to shared out..

recently, my dad break his shoulder bone,

my mum hospitalized due to bee stings..

workers making lot of trouble and more more trouble keep coming..

that why during study week,

i accident and bump into others people car( cost me hundreds+!)

with pain all over body, i still bared it through..

i dint tell my parent or anyone about my pain.. till i get back home..

just dont want to make people unnecessary panic since i am still alive..

sleep for two days and heal it and in the end, i get sicked.. =.=

that time, how i wish i was crash died right in the spot during accident..

trying to tell someone but i dont know who to tell and how to tell...

i don't know since when, i became more and more mouth tight to tell out my stuff..

i keep have the mindset that, nobody owe to listen to your damnful life..

or they wont be interested,helped.. they are busy.. i am not deserve

with lots of stupid excuses..

i have many friends but when it come to asking for help.. it was like zero

i think there should be many, but i just don't dare to ask..

not because i am being arrogant.. it was just all those stupid excuses that i think others ppl will throw back to me...

i am really afraid i will make them disappointed this time...

please let me through this semester..

today while working, there is lot of thing in my mind i want to share it out,

but when i am here..

i am 100% blank..

bye bloggie..

i will update some happy stuff if i passed all the subject this semester

so bless me well~

muack, thanks for reading my lame post..

with the sarcastic mind of mine

i think i am deserve to left alone

with them,

im idiot

or they treat me like an idiot?

tell myself..

don't cry!

don't be a cry baby like last time...

cry mean i lose to stress..

need to bare through this stage...

what should i do to overcome this feeling

not feeling good

try not complaining..

end up feeling so down..

if i complained, what people will think bout me?

suck it up! your own problem what..

Don't give me hope..

Don't bring me hope..

This kind of action,

will make me expect things gonna happen..

i put lots of expectation toward it...

Orz

deep thought,

only realize....

please just let me had more courage..

i wonder, can i dump it all and move on..

if that is what you meant,

i will put less expectation,

i will be more silent,

i wont stress anyone with my own problem..

i just wish the night be a bit longer,

i wanna stare at the darkness a bit longer...

the boring, simple and normal life...

my eye keep dropping tear of pain recently...

without me knowing it,

it started to flow down..

im turning to be hater..

i hate everything around me,

i hate everything that they did..

i hate myself

i hate them...

i hate the life..

i hate it all..

i hate

hate

HATE

I am drowning in the sea of depression..

i change a little bit of myself..

frankly it did boost a little of my confident for a little while,

then i realize everything still the same,

i am still me..

Orz

i can't change the true-self me...

by the way,

a friend of mine once posted,

at the end, size do matter..

not only size matter, the way you look, the personality..

the world is cruel with criticizer with their non stop critic without even mirror themselves 1st before start comment or comparing others..

well i am one of those, but i guess my mouth still filtered 50% :P

the point of im blogging here today is,

im turning old..

i really hate celebration...

what is the point celebrating birthday, wasting your money for someone like me?

someone like me who never really help out a lot as a friend..

maybe i scare to get old..

scare to get old while all my wishes still left undone..

unrealistic me think of lots of wishes that will never come true..

and still, i do hope it will someday..

someday, that person will realize it, and said

Happy Birthday to me^^

I'm waiting

something is bothering me recently

i don't know how to explain it..

the feeling came to me again..

where i wanna shut myself from outside with only music accompany with everything..

sorry,

i may have been very aggressive recently,

i cant find the good EQ me anymore..

i try to force myself to entertain myself to laugh more..

sometime, it just don't work,

i'll back becoming more aggressive and won't talk or start teasing everything that other try to tell me..

what the hell is wrong with me?

i knew my problem and yet i cant control myself

Sometimes it feels like nobody gets me

Trapped in a world where everyone hates me

There's so much that I'm going through

I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you

I was broken, I was choking

I was lost

This song saved my life

I was bleeding

Stopped believing

Could have died

This song saved my life

I was down, I was drowning

But it came on just in time

This song saved my life

Sometimes I feel like you've known me forever

You always know how to make me feel better

You're my escape when I'm stuck

In this small town, I turn you up

Whenever I feel down,

You let me know like no one else

That it's ok be myself

That it's ok to be alone

-this song saved my life-

i start to stalk again =='''

i never add them, never talk to them, never stand in front of them..

was i waiting?

i start to stalk again..

imagine their life without really be close friend with them..

i start to stalk again..

because i wanted to know more secretly about you..

i start to stalk again..

i am afraid if one day, some changes of you will make me down again...

but i still stalk :P

previously keep appearing online till the day they will talk to me....

but none of them did..

keep posting stuff to let them know who i am..

i guess no one notice..

people around me making me to have a perception that,

human only talk with pretty and beautiful human,

or those rich and 'usable' human..

those who can be helpful to them..

i don't have those criteria..

that's why i never talk much with those newly meet friends..

or maybe that why people don't want to talk to me?

base on my observation toward my friends and other people,

most of the time it do prove my 'hypothesis'

the way they treat different people differently..

:/

well,

i don't even talk much with my friends..

i only start to talk to them when they find me..

is not that i am arrogant or what

is because

till now i still think that i don't have the qualification to bother them for 5min or more to chat with me..

sometime, when i need help the most, many people pop out in my mind,

but........

still, i think i don't have the requirement to ask..

qualification? i wonder what is my qualification for me to you?

i failed miserably as a human.. Orz

posting this kind of stuff out making me felt so greedy

i want so much yet i did not put so much effort in it..

but if i really did, will you notice?

no one will..

because of who i am...

U never knew what is the true busy

U never knew how it is to work with bunch of people that pissed and argue with each other..

The world is big,

there is many more people who suffer this more than you..

stop complaining waiyin and just swallow it up..

:)

stop compare your life with other..

Listen and don't shoot back..

Learn to accept

Learn to listen

Learn to be more understanding..

you are busy, so do others....

why people can handle it and still i go and complain non stop :(

take a deep breath and cool down...

phew..

okay~ time for assignment

T.T

im under stressed..

stomach in pain since yesterday..

i wont make myself in hunger again

Orz

got time to complain at blog, why don't spend time at reality?

i know not everyone will stay forever by my side..

but, selfish me still wish everyone will always by my side till the end..

start from Form5,

people leaving me.. i started everything again in Form6

then Foundation, then Degree..

lots of people leaving and pursue their life independently, starting their new life again in somewhere around the world..

i wonder, do they will still remember me?

i afraid they will forget me..

i afraid they will forget me one day when i say hi to them..

slowly, one by one..

friend that i love, leaving one by one..

TT

i still cant adapt to the new life without those who leave here..

i miss them..

i will truly miss them..

whenever you are..

whatever you are doing..

take care..

i will pray for your safely and luck..

TT

why i disable everything?

due to what happen last week,

how she treated me,

yeah, heart totally felt dejected..

this is me, how easily i am being influenced by others..

now, i really thought that whatever i said will make others pissed..

rather than making other felt pissed,

i try into disabled-mode

now i can control myself not to simply type and press enter..

plus, less notification.. make me can concentrate more on other stuff rather than making me waiting or expecting something from my friends..

disable comment is i afraid of criticism..

and also, i don't wanna receive any comment from you...

for you,

i am not pissed.. i just feel im not worth to be your friends..

you need a boyfriend rather than a friend i guess..

there is some reason why i dislike going out with friends who have boyfriend..

is not like being the torchlight or lightstand..

is how the way you ignore your friends..

plus, if any arguement happen,

there, you have your boyfriend backup you..

you can act as 'barbaric'? or rude?

because you are 'authorized' to do so..

well then,

maybe im narrow minded,

sorry..

first few time, i still can accept it..

but more than that? i guess im too far away from you...

is like im forcing myself to make you accept me into your life as a friend

while till now, you still address me as 'other people'

this few day, i really had a damn serious thought of ending everything that will relate me with you

since more time spend together will lead to unhappiness,

i dont have the damn courage to do so..

now everything that i do is avoiding from the fact that will come soon..

~.~

i make my life is so damn pathetic Orz

BadBye

listening to this song make me suddenly think of you..

keep repeating on it, keep thinking the previous day..

till now, i dare not to delete all the messages..

i dare not go and read back all those messages...

i delete it,

it sound as if really goodbye between you and me...

two year...

and i wonder how you manage to delete me..

i think too much again..

yeah i realize how evil my mouth would be..

i started to talk lesser to certain people..

reason is afraid i cant control my evil language and would hurt their little heart..

im not teasing them, i know how evil i can be..

there is some rules when i talk..

i realize how cruel i am sometimes..

i hate to repeat, if that people keep don't wanna listen to it..

ask me to talk it back, i will said, nothing nothing..

not i hate to repeat, is just that, there are things i wanna share it out,

but when you ignore the moment i wanna talk and talk bout other stuff,

the feeling or the importance of the things i wanna share out just then, gone..

i also realize how un-important i am..

what for i wanna force myself to talk.. or to make a conversation lively..

people wouldnt care what crap i talk..

i better talk to myself more rather than talk to others..

since im not that important anyway..

i observe how other treat others and how they treat it back to me..

totally felt dejected..

you wanna me to understand your feeling but none of you did the same to me!

you hate explanation from me, fine..

i started not to explain anymore,

it feel sucks! when i try to explain and you keep reject to hear it..

when i start not to explain, or talk lesser..

the conversation turn weird..

i don't know how to explain this situation..

it felt as if im the one who ruined the whole conversation

maybe i hate myself so much..

it felt like you deserve other friend who can understand you more than me..

you need other but not me..

and since whatever i talk now sound not important..

fine.. i will not talk more starting from now..

my mentally state now is really really really worst since the previous two exam..

i can burst to tear any moment,

i try not to talk much, in case i suddenly drop few of my tears and freak others..

i hide myself, just don't wanna let others see how down i am now..

but then,

i thought that going out awhile will be better than staying inside my room..

eat something and chat happily since i never ate anything for two days..

see lot of happy people in street better than face computer alone...

i never thought thing will be end up like this...

for you, i am addressed at 'other people' rather than 'friend'...

this just prove everything..

it prove what i thought what other's thought bout me is truth..

im sorry that i am your friend..

sorry that you had to be my friend..

sorry to force you to be my friend..

after so long only now i realize how evil i am to everyone..

how suck i am playing a role as a friend to everyone..

the sucker-face me should just disappeared from your eyesight..

maybe i just suit to talk with computer rather than human..

im sucks at handling people emotions.. sucks at talking with human..

*big sigh~*

since previous incident and now,

i really think that their world will be better without me...

i am not angry..

i am not pissed as well.

i just disappointed with myself..

how failed i am to be a human..

if anything that happen, it is my fault..

till now, i don't think i done anything good..

to anyone, to the world..

what am i...

i don't even had to authority to ask someone to accompany awhile,

talk to me for awhile..

they just reject me while i need them the most..

sick of it..

seriously, what am i to you...

what am i to myself..

i wanted to tell her..

so much pain i hold into myself..

today is mother day..

how on earth im going to make her sad..

but

dear mum,

your daughter had successfully ruined two test..

what to do if i really failed both of the subject..

please don't be so disappointed..

i try harder next time..

sorry...

i really envy all my friends that share their personal life conflict with others..

they are brave to share it out,

while me, the coward..

still choose here.....

even she, came to me..

talk everything to me..

and after everything end..

i feel guilty..

i shouldn't enjoy my life so well,

i shouldn't eat so well,

i shouldn't play so hard,

i shouldn't spend so much..

i shouldn't even think on how to enjoy me life to the fullest!

i am being so bad to enjoy me life so well while ....

*while? i don't want to talk bout this*

I'm too arrogant to share out the shame of me..

u are not the shame..

i am just ashamed of who i am..

just sorry..

really sorry for being so selfish..

so sorry for the bad attitude i have...

the most sorry that is,

u have to be with the bad-ass, me..

i understand all the suffering you went through,

i can't do anything because i really coward to face it myself..

coward to step out..

i have nothing..

i even selfish to dump you alone for everything, which prove that im the real jerk...

sorry..

the only thing i can do is quietly listen to everything you wanna complain..

even though it hurt me while listening to it,

i choose to listen, that is the only thing that i can do to make you feel better..

the only way that i can do to learn from the mistake i had done to you..

if time can turn back,

i wish i can make you knew others people rather than anyone that will related to me..

I'm sorry..

i cant describe how sorry i am..

but anyhow,

i still want to thanks you,

for talk to me..

for believing in me..

thanks you

thank you for still showing your caring to me after what i done to you..

burst into tears when you ask me bout my health,

after all those bad life you suffer, and you still concern bout me..

i really ashamed of myself..

everything of me..

back then, i should have just killed myself,

maybe the world will be better without me..

but right now, i should be more strong to keep holding on..

at least make you experience things i wanted you can be experience before i really left...

you are the truly best and good-hearted people in the world i ever meet with..

god should just take my life..

i willing to exchange my long life and make you live longer..

in this life,

i should't ask for more..

this is more than enough...

the reason why i post this is because,

im really sad..

and i want to make those people who read this,

who think that i am a good people or whatever..

im not..

the real fact of me is.. im a jerk..

u still know nothing bout me..

Handicap Me

Actually what had happen?

the symptom started several year back then,

i don't really remember..

for sure, it really freak me off..

walking in the house and suddenly i will feel down,

just because my right leg lost it energy..

the whole right leg in pain whenever i try to walk..

lost it balance then i fell down..

i still even remember i need to crawl back to the room..

sleep~ thinking everything will be fine,

the pain will be gone once i awake

this is the story..

for two day,

i stay like a handicap in the bed..

yes..

my leg totally cant move at all.. no damn energy to support my weight..

the first day, i still feel okay with it..

the second day.. it totally freak me,

i start to imagine the life I'm going to go through if my leg really nerve breakdown for the rest of the life from now..

I'm still young,

yes, i did say i want to die fast,

but i dint say i want to handicap in young age! ==

but not whole day in pain of course,

still have normal time, where i can walk for two hour?

go out with my mum.. and suddenly,

shit! it came again..

now i cant walk in the middle of the road..

damn it!!

my mum continue her stuff, i waited her outside

alone..

with my motor..

and the sun..

sitting there waiting..

try to walk..

but the pain.. damn it!!

two time i go out.. it end up in this..

ah~ why leg pain still wanna go out?

no choice! have to settle my government-related stuff before i back..

talk till the end,

it won't lead to handicap i guess..

just something wrong with the nerve, according to clinic's doctor..

but of course, i do pray whatever the doctor said is true..

now walk is not a problem to me after i ate pain killer..

but when i lie down to the bed..

i can feel something weird with my right leg..

sigh.. i do hope nothing when wrong..

everything will be fine after tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow..

or else, I'm going to x-ray, consult expertise in bone~

and then they will found out lot lot of thing in my body already cannot function!!

oh no!!!!!

okay i think a lot..

but,

this is what sick patient do!!!!!

no wonder those who stayed at hospital for long period can lead to depression as well..

==

this sickness totally take off my mind and whatever stuff..

i cant concentrate *excuses?* :P

gonna start work hard now...

and to those who read this..

pray for me *cross finger*

__________________________________________

long time haven't update blog,

and every time i update my blog sure gonna be sad stuff..

pathetic me..

is like nothing good going to happen for me..

true true true :P

is less good thing happen for me..

but whatever is it..

this is not the stuff i want to talk about..

this semester start,

i learn a lot of thing..

one of it is,

i don't want to explain anymore since u don't want to hear this..

thanks to one people, who don't wanna to listen to my excuses no matter how hard i want to clear myself from the guilt..

that people resist to listen, saying i had lot of lame stupid excuses..

and even uses my excuses to make joke..

though i know that people trying to joke around with me *good-friend ma*

but that particular moment really hurt me deep deep to the core..

every single inch in my heart feel so damn pain..

damn.. even nearly cry out..

that moment start, i already felt so heart-distressed..

i hate to explain more anymore..

when people misunderstood me for anything..

i just let them be..

Quote by me: I am born to be HATE, Forget Forget...

to make myself feel better..

it is not fun thing to be misunderstood by people..

it is not fun thing to be hate by people...

my leg incident i mention earlier..

i think i make several people pissed with me just because i can't make up to the date we had agree previously..

i did not explain much, just say that i can't go..

but actually, i had indirectly hint them, saying my leg is kind of weak..

still the same, nobody really bother bout it..

Quote: What i say is CRAP!! nobody BELIEVE it.. Only True Friend understand you..

ah ah.. my true friend will understand me.. fine fine..

relax relax...

eventually, i start to interpret and read other people mind

to guess what on their mind [especially they don't want to talk to me]

yeah.. i feel so proud to guess it right *sometimes*

at least i know to back-off when i guess that people don't wanna to see my fucking face..

need not have to apologize actually...

you make me learn new stuff again.. =)

still wanna talk bout several stuff..

but i guess that is for today...

the second essay really make me down..

it felt as if i really born to be hate by ppl

Orz

TT