=.= 距离

为什么我又回来了？
真不懂，每次开始blog之后，
心情总是会觉得闷闷的，
可能是应为自己想太多了吧。

虽然口中每次都说无所谓，
但其实，我很在意。。非常的在意。。

之前，有个刚认识的朋友对我说了几句话：
其实我真的不懂你在不开心什么咯，你的生活应该不会惨过我吧？
有一点冲动想要骂回她，
但还是算了吧，她认识我都不够三个月
当然可以说出这些话吧。。

应该是我的人格很有问题，
所以我现在才会有这样的下场。。
说真的，
其实。。 我真的觉得自己有心理问题，
还记得以前，有位老师，
用很认真的眼神看着我，说了几句话，
那时候的我，真得怕了起来。。
眼泪也突然想留下来，
有时候，看到那个老师还会去托起来。。
可能很怕很怕
那时候可能很怕在别人的面前哭了起来
又不想别人觉得我有问题。。
所以就一直将避开老师。。

算了，
这些东西，不能做比较。。
可能他真得好过我
我又是个很差劲的人
所以就这样的，
漫漫的。。
跟世界，有了一段距离。。

the 4th day

okay
hi bloggie
just wanted to update you.. and tell you:

this had been the forth day for my sem break
what had i done?
(why am i blogging this title? really not my style.. influence of friends=.=)
because my laptop had been left at home for more than 7days, i guess
so, i totally cant separate with it right now
haha
after the sem break is over,
it will be send to hospital again..
=.=''
too many minor problem..
i also cant explain what is the problem
better let the pro check it before it getting worst

OK back to the topic..
this four day, I'm happily staying at my house..
maybe it had been a long long time,
i never stay at house for more than 12hour awake..
last time after the STPM exam, i started to work..
and if there is any off days,
mostly i spent it by loitering at my friend house

maybe because of that,
i really felt so far away from home when I'm back here
there is lots of thing seems so new for me
and i even don't know how to use the TV remote control anymore
even my desktop, that i used to play for the past 5 years..
i cant even remember how to fully utilize it...
=.=''
yeah.. home seems to be unfamiliar to me..
so i stayed at home most of the days..
just to find back the home sweet home feeling


but then, i still manage to find some time to loiter around at my home town
DIAMOND BAY~~
don't know is i change or you've had change
or maybe last time i never go out so frequently..
there are lots of changes..
even MCD.. seems to be so classy for me..
and i never been to Old Town and Sushi King that just open at here..
my god.. i sound so freaky out dated
i even forgotten lots of short cut way at here...
and suddenly anson are loaded with so many cars..
huh..
maybe the place i study really too peaceful...
i cant adapted with this massive changed
luckily I'm not stayed so near to the town..
rural?
maybe.. I'm happy to stayed at my home that full with greens... and wild animals ==
it's been a long time, i never heard sound of the forest and when to sleep (sound too over huh haha)


by the way,
went for blood donation today
i really wanted to donate
but..
blood pressure low
not enough red hemoglobin
==
i almost forgotten, I'm on medication actually
but i don't think it is really medication
just a pills to make me feel better when i had breathing difficulties
i don't think it is a big problem..
maybe because of the genetic problem..
where my father also got breathing difficulties = asthma
or maybe due to secondhand smoke?
in my whole life i guess 20% of the air i sucks into my lung are secondhand smokes..
thanks to my dads and grandparents.. and also people around me...
last time i thought of sticking with them and sucks as many as can
so that cancer will came to me..
and i will die faster
but now..
think twice..
CANCER.. =='' suffering.. some more hair will botak
=.=
sorry no offence for those who are sick..

tomorrow morning..
will went for a medical check up
quite worry actually
what if,
the doctor suddenly said
'sorry miss, you have to stayed for a while for further check up because of......'
i don't want to die yet..
=]


and cant wait for mid autumn festival
(now only i now this day is call mid autumn, if not i will call it moon cake or tang lung festival XD)
maybe a day for me to play with the fire..
hohoho
my house a great place to play with fire..


what more i can say..
boring can be felt since friend i used to hang up with are gone..
gone= go to study at some where else
other friends..
erm.. I'm not so close with them..
maybe I'm the hi bye friends..
just say hi and bye with me
plus.. time flies..
we had not much to talk bout..
i don't even know wanna talked bout what
since I'm not addicted in gaming..
not interest in movie or drama
songs that i listen are different with the songs you all listen
(not many people listen to the song i listen,
i cant even find one that had a same interest with me)
walking? sorry i really easily get tired..
crapping? im too serious some times.. cant crap much with me
msn~ing? erm... a lots of friends.. but cant find a starter to start a conversation.. so better appear offline
facebooking? I'm getting bored with it.. but i cant find anything to do when online except facebooking..
Aaaaa~~~~ my life is really boring!!!!!!
cant change the fact coz I'm a boring people i guess

still have around 20 more days,
before school start again
and the nightmare continue
hope everything will be change and not like the last semester..
guess that this will be the end for my blog post for today
picture will be uploaded when I'm in a mood to upload..
XD

download a lot of songs..
english, chinese, and korean songs~~
my entertainment..
and i really cant facing the laptop to watch movie or drama like others
and i lost interest in watching it??
even watching at cinema..
kind a waste of money
maybe because of I'm trying to save some money..
but i save nothing
I'm a great spender?
i spend nothing except eat
and i don't think i eat a lot
and yet
the money all seems disappearing
why? why? why?

i typed a lots for today blog
guess that u had tired hearing my complained...
thanks for hearing it..
TT
i had very very less friend only (another complain)
okay..
i continue tomorrow...
XD

Super Junior-M(슈퍼주니어-M)_Super Girl(슈퍼걸)_뮤직비디오

before i start..
im not a leng zai maniac
im just admire them for their dancing skill which i wanted to learn
and because my body are not flexible and very woodie..
so i only can admire them
hahaha
but the song beat is nice and
everything is nice nice nice
will get addicted to this mv
if you watch it more than 2 time..
(maybe for me)


this is the chinese version..
and the first version



this is the second version
the korean...


source is from youtube.com
by the way...
i do like each of them
XD

I'm not deserve

i feel regretted with everything that i wrote for the final
everything that I've explain for each paper that cost around RM500++
I've done not good enough
study not enough

other people is struggling their way out
and I'm digging and hiding at the corner all over the time
just because i lack of confidence to face them
to face everything

I'm not the good of the good
i maybe is the worst of the worst
every time when i started to wander..
i will keep think of the reason for me to exist at this world..
i feel that my life is empty and i cant find a motive or aim for me to continue live on..

live is like..
study
get a good job
if you lucky enough, get married
and spend all your whole life earning money to be keep on living..
what can i say.. boring???
maybe..
my life is boring, that is what i can say..
even online..
i don't seems good at it..
I'm not good at everything
im not good
just not good enough
good enough to find a reason
a passion maybe?

there are lots of thing i wanna learn
just because I'm not good at everything
the only thing that i can do is admire and see..
there are lots of thing i want to wear
just because of my appearance and critic of people..
the only thing that i can do is to admire and see..

what for wanna care for other people opinion bout you?
i don't know
i just care
thanks to you maybe
for keep critic on me
my confidence all flew away

why i like SS?
it is just a way for me to gain some confidence..
but still keep being tease by other
still rejected
the way i act and the way i talked..
is it too hard to be accepted?

because of them..
i learn to think twice
think deep
think hard..
before i start any conversation
before i reply any thing
just in case..
you are not satisfied again...

maybe i think a lot..
but part of the reason i became like this
maybe you had part of the responsibility?


but there are still have people around me
boosting a little bit of my confidence..
although it is not a lot
but i feel important whenever I'm with them
and whenever I'm with you?
i think i even worst than a rubbish or even a shit
you make me feel that I'm nothing but just a shit
incomparable between us..
you are the heaven and I'm the pool of shit
that's why people pay attention to you

forever you are the attention statement..
and I'm just a supporting material for a supporting material..
or a dust?
unseen and cant be felt the presence..

i learn a lot this 3 month..
learning from experience..
from the way people treat people at here
and appearance is what i know is important at here..
some people only make friend with the good looking one...
i think not some.. is most of the new people i met here..
I'm easily get jealous..
so the best way for me to stay away from this evil thought is to stay away from everything
stay away from all my friends, my classmates, my housemates..
just everything as far as possible
I'm accepting the fact that I'm not important..
my disappearing won't leave any effect..
even if i try to leave one..
i don't think people will save it..


OK crap a lot unnecessary thing..
that's all..
sorry if what i said is differ from what you thought
because this is what i thought of the people at my school now
erm.. i think is the whole world.. not only the school...
=]
(you really leave a great impact on the way i see people)
[I'm not deserve]

SS~ing again

back to the mood of SS~ing
know im not pretty or cute...
but that what i live for
snapping picture and lie to myself that i am pretty
i am beautiful
i am cute
XD
ok ok..
sorry~~~
haha




wuhooo
have a nice day~~~
^^
rest one more day before start studying..
hope i can cope up with it...
bless me n my friends...

loveholic

no more techno song for now
now I'm deeply addicted to Korean songs
yea.. from last time till now, i only listen to korea song most of the time..
can explain why i like it?
just like you like to dip your fries into the tomato ketchup compare to chili sos?
or you like coffee more than tea?

i love it
and i love it so much

especially this album that i just found out last few days..
a new release album from Loveholic 14/9/2009
listening to this song almost everyday

i won't persuade you all to download..
you know, download is illegal..
haha!!

Loveholic - In The Air



Tracklist:
01. Raining (Play Christina)
02. 바람이 참 매섭다 (Play Whale (of W & Whale))
03. 아픔 (Play Jang Eun Ah)
04. 쉼, 비밀, 위로 (Play Miki)
05. Beautiful (Play Park Hye Kyoung, Park Ki Young)
06. Miracle Blue (Play Shin Min A)
07. Message From Tokyo (Play Miki (The Indigo))
08. 몰라야 할 말 (Play 아림)
09. 나에게 그댄 (영화 ‘호우시절‘ 뮤직비디오 삽입) (Play Kang Hyun Min)
10. Butterfly (Play Christina, Lee Sung Yul, Horan, Alex, Park Ki Young, Whale,
Jung Soon Yong, Miki, 혜원, Jang Eun Ah)

[track 3 are recommended to listen based on net research]
source: z-degrees.net

i love Beautiful
wuhoooo
*get up my friend, forget it my friend*
searching sources to learn Korea language

Loser

suddenly feel that I'm really a loser
i have no confident at all for what i had write for the exam
whenever i saw other people paper that full of words while mine is short like.....
i just feel that there is something wrong with the answer
these three times of exam..
i really were distracted..
distracted by the environment, the people at there..
and the thing that influence me the most is him..
as last time he told me before how confident he was when doing exam..
he had no worries at all for the answer he had submitted..
and the friend of him tell me the way he study,
i really cannot imagine that,
because last time,
i never saw him in this way
so i continue to practise my old way of studying..
and o realize i cant..
i cant
i just cant do it
i even blank the paper..
damn it..
i wasted 3k at here...

this exam really make me realize a lot
that i am really stupid
i did not wish more now
i just wish to pass all the paper
just not to disappointed them and waste their money at here...


[I'm stupid]

the 170th post

actually today I'm very happy
my parent came and visited me,
is been a long long time we dint sit down together eat and talk
and we went shopping..
suddenly very miss the day i used to spend at my hometown..
very miss it
사랑해요

but before I'm feeling more guilty..
i guess i should start study..
for not letting down the hope my parent give it to me..
this two day, i really study nothing..
wasted my time..
but i guess it is worth..
at least, the relation me with them are getting closer and closer...

I'm trying to vanish the evil from my heart
but i cant
I'm keep thinking bout this every single moment..
oh God~~
bless me out from all this negative thought~~
really don't know what is really on my mind..
why i keep on have this bad thought toward this issues!!
maybe I'm jealous?
I'm upset?
I'm angry?
I'm just a pathetic human that did not even dare to voice out the feeling...
damn me for being so useless
well,
did not mind so much bout this issues..
just part of thing to be think of when I'm bored..
haha!!
I'm really evil

still gt around 12 more days to go
i cant wait for the arrival~~~


[thank you for being so nice to me]

shut up

'let the time determine my life'
nice phrase i saw in some one blog...

I'm still wandering and searching for the reason..


if she succeed to grab the attention,
i will hate myself so much!!
if she succeed
i will really need to mirror myself..
what actually is my weakness??

I'm jealous of her..
maybe this is the reason I'm here..
GOD trying to teach me a lesson of life
just let it be
whatever will happen, just take it as an obstacle of life...
don't beg for other to feel sorry to me

I'm falling slowly,
more deep
each day
i keep on searching for something to satisfy my unlimited want
but i still cant find it..


learning to shut up,
while your mouth are resting
maybe you can see lots of things that are beautiful around you
just because you never rest..
this beautiful things will never been seen..

Im a FAILURE

damn me..
I'm trying to control myself not to touch the laptop..
but i cant..
i will end up sleeping whole day or wandering some where else..
huh~~

I'm such a disaster
in a day time,
i destroyed two item of my housemate..
T.T
I'm totally freak out
and i cant give any emotion to explain my feeling right now
after the second incident..
i really freak out and hide in my room for more than 3hour..
what's wrong with me!!!
i think i even can burn down the whole house just now..
shit..
I'm such a failure..

then i realize i make my maxis number inactive..
and now..
i lost more than RM50
haih...
what a bad day...

although housemate dint say anything bout this..
but i guess,
they sure will upset bout this..

i don't want to talk anything with them
talk with them will remind me of my stupidness..
haih....

[study mood plz come]






[edited at 9.50p.m]
everyday chat with my housemate
and i end up listening only
listen to their childhood memories
their home town
their everything..
and i really wanted to talk about me.. but in a sudden of time, i cant re call any memory of me back then..
i was like living in a very boring life style if compared to them..
another thing that make me jealous is,
they owned a sister of their own..
to have a sister is great i guess since my brother did not concern bout me at all..
and now, my housemate are chatting with her sis through phone..
i cant explain the feeling..
maybe alone? loneliness?
my mum and i did not even called each other..
i guess one week one time if i did not back my hometown...

housemate desired for a Mr.Right
keep telling me..
compared with other.....
everything of her is so good but no one like him..
then person like me should go and jump lake?
she is so worried bout this issues recently,
maybe she also feel lonely..
so she need one

and me??
maybe heard a lot of interesting thing of her..
make me feel like I'm not deserve to have one..
alone had been with me since I'm in secondary school..
no one bother, even my family [that was my thought when i was at that age]
my brothers did not even bother to get know things bout me
and even now..
if he want to get info of me..
he need to ask his friends(my housemate) and not with me directly..
i saw a lot of people around me had a good relationship with their sibling
maybe an outing?
but my brothers will go together and dump me alone..
while my father had his own activities..
whenever he is back from work.. after eat and bath, he will go out and search his entertainment..
my mother? there is a time i argue with my mum..
i argue with her twice before
we declared silent war with each other..
you may think this is funny to declare silent war with your own mother..


this war last for nearly a year..
during this period, we really did not talked to each other..
i don't know why...
twice also like that... so maybe a total of two year time of my teenage life i did not talked a lot with my family

this is the most hard time of me when the silent war of me and my mum occur
this is the moment, i started to learn to be alone..
thinking of killing myself..
suffocating myself under the pillow...[maybe because of this, now pillow sleep me, not i sleep the pillow]
holding a knife and stare at it for a long time..
spend most of my time at the room..
crying alone at the room..
and never talked my stuff to anyone even my family
and now, of course the relation of me n my mum had become good..
but still, maybe of that incident..
i tried my hard
just to please everyone..

whenever i heard story of family relation of some one..
i will silent a while or maybe just listen
and they don't know how happy they are if compare to me
everyone around me thought that i had a happy life
and i guess they never notice
i seldom talked thing that related to my family...
maybe trying to hold my tear
till now I'm adapting to this behaviour..
i wont cried in front of anyone..
but you tell me that I'm crazy..
'it is good to cried in front of others so that other will concern more bout you'
the problem is who? [i mean last time]

I'm happy right now...
but not as happy if compare to the life before everything of this start
at least, i wont think of committing suicide again..

started to love the life of alone at here..
if there is no examination
but I'm damn sucks in independent..
thinking back the idiot me, spoiling my housemate stuff
making me feels so useless...


my first time to post this sensitive issue of me since i started to blog
maybe influence of my housemate make me feel that i really deserve to be alone
[holding back my tear]
[searching and finding the old me]

i hate home.. i miss home...

suddenly feel wanna blog
so here i am again...
i spend my time chatting with housemate more than studying i guess...
forever stuck at the same chapter...

I'm bored die!!!
as day pass..
i find no reason to make my life more interesting..
and I'm addicted to song again..

I've done something stupid just now
totally in a deep shit..
don't know wanna how to tell her the stupid mistake that i had done..

if some one can teach me what i can do....
some one will tell me...

housemate is good!!
teach me how to do and what to do..
I really can failed for how to judging a people..
there are so many thing are differ from what i thought it will be..
so i guess..
whatever thing that i guess now..
will not be come true..
so.. just let it be...
thank you for making me know of things i don't know...
shame on me for keep predicting wrong thing...

i hope exam pass quickly..
i want back to hometown..
to find back the old me...

i hate home..(HERE)
give me pressure whenever I'm at home..
is like a jail at here, to tell me to study...
and i keep on procrastinate...
i miss home.. (THERE)
haih... home sweet home

i wanted to watch a movie..
maybe it can be counted as an entertainment at my life???
i thought of going with him..
but he watched it already..
damn you for dumping me and enjoying with him!!!
sad
why every time got outing you wouldn't call me to join???
is it I'm boring???
T.T
but a lot of people critic on this movie..
maybe i wont be spending money to watch this movie..
ALONE!! haih....

comparing

love is such a weird thing..
the thing i wouldn't expected will happen
the thing i expected are differ from what i thought
anyway.. good luck to:
those who are searching for the right one
those who are in the loving mode

OK the main thing i wanna talked bout is comparing...
i like it when people take me to compare
love the feeling of comparing
especially if they comparing negatively bout me..
talking me bad till unexplainable..
my heart of course will feel pain..
but i just want to compare, and wanted to know what actually people think of me..
the more they think I'm a bad people, the happier i am...

compare me with him
he achieve all the glory that make everyone proud of...
sometime, i try to look at him when i pass his house.. i watch his room whether he is at the house or not..
plan wanna search him at his house, but don't know wanna talk what if i already at his house
ask bout homework?? he also have to study for his exam..
better be independent a bit...
today, the whole night, he is not here i guess..
the door are closed and the house light is off..
maybe he went to celebrating with his friend since his loan already approve..


and with she?
she always win it all..
i feel like a loser whenever I'm with her..
trying to win her? better not...


maybe this is just me..
rather be unimportant than important...
when I'm getting to be important, i will do something to make people ignore bout me...
i hate the attention..
but still i wish the person i hope for will look at me..

other people is no longer important...
feel sick and tired facing my life at here...
wish to gain back the confidence i used to have...
but it seems getting fading away as each day pass..

i really afraid of failing..
the result of me is so much differ from him..
maybe boy is clever than a girl...
i thought i can be at a same level as he is..
but..

haih should study harder from the start..
and yet, i keep procrastinate...
I've lazy for a day today..
tomorrow will be the day..
i hope i can give all out...
hope i can be able to finish it...



i remember a talk with a friend
which on my mind since i was small
'i wanted to end up my life,
just afraid that if i commit suicide, but cant die
and I'm still alive with broken arm or leg
or half paralyze at the bed..'
i think i cant bare it..
to see other have to suffer for a decision of life i want to end

if i have the courage to jump into the lake..
=]
-music save my life-

the moon

i really sleep a lot recently..
=.=''
maybe sleeping is a way for me to fantasy bout thing that wouldn't exist in reality
and sleeping can help me forget about all the pressure around me
i hate to wake up..
and i keep procrastinate
keep searching for reason to sleep
im addicted to sleeping..
i sleep for more than 12hour in one days..
this is terrible..
when will the mood for me to study pop out...

i still cant bare it..
i end up facing the monitor screen again (although is not mine)

I've been thinking a lot of thing recently
i wanted to tell out, but the problem is
i don't know want how to tell out..
forget it..


my baby lappie is not with me..
pity it, haven't even celebrate 100 days anniversary with me
and now, have to send to the hospital...

just now,
i saw something miracle,
for them it might be stupid..
it is so amazing to see this thing
a round circle of light (i guess) forming in a certain radius at the moon...
i watch it,
until it disappeared
and the other amazing thing is the star beside the moon, as it is the only star i can see from the sky..
a friend tell me it is Jupiter
another friend tell me,
if you see there is only a star in the sky, you make a wish..
it will come true

i wished for something just now..
I'm greedy, wished a lot of thing..
but i just knew, that it will not come true..
it is just a stupid wish
how i wish, all my wishes will come true...


i share this moon stuff with all my friends
and mostly to those who are in love
haha~~
a lot of my friends are in love mode..
hope they can share the same feels when looking at the moon...
hope they can see the same thing although the distance separate them...

but during this period..
this thing pop out..
don't all of you feel creepy bout it?

a moon that change my mood XD

sleeping

i sleep a lot recently
after class, i end up sleeping till i hungry and wake up eat..
then, i continue it by sleeping again..
after wake up..
im facing the laptop till i get bored and when to sleep again
although i sleep a lot
but i still feel sleepy

huhuhu
this is the last blog i update i guess..
since my baby lappie will be send to internal care unit soon..
so..
i will try spend my night to study
good luck to myself
good luck to you
good luck everyone



motivating myself to study...
10more day!!!