why i disable everything?

due to what happen last week,

how she treated me,

yeah, heart totally felt dejected..

this is me, how easily i am being influenced by others..

now, i really thought that whatever i said will make others pissed..

rather than making other felt pissed,

i try into disabled-mode

now i can control myself not to simply type and press enter..

plus, less notification.. make me can concentrate more on other stuff rather than making me waiting or expecting something from my friends..

disable comment is i afraid of criticism..

and also, i don't wanna receive any comment from you...

for you,

i am not pissed.. i just feel im not worth to be your friends..

you need a boyfriend rather than a friend i guess..

there is some reason why i dislike going out with friends who have boyfriend..

is not like being the torchlight or lightstand..

is how the way you ignore your friends..

plus, if any arguement happen,

there, you have your boyfriend backup you..

you can act as 'barbaric'? or rude?

because you are 'authorized' to do so..

well then,

maybe im narrow minded,

sorry..

first few time, i still can accept it..

but more than that? i guess im too far away from you...

is like im forcing myself to make you accept me into your life as a friend

while till now, you still address me as 'other people'

this few day, i really had a damn serious thought of ending everything that will relate me with you

since more time spend together will lead to unhappiness,

i dont have the damn courage to do so..

now everything that i do is avoiding from the fact that will come soon..

~.~

i make my life is so damn pathetic Orz

BadBye

listening to this song make me suddenly think of you..

keep repeating on it, keep thinking the previous day..

till now, i dare not to delete all the messages..

i dare not go and read back all those messages...

i delete it,

it sound as if really goodbye between you and me...

two year...

and i wonder how you manage to delete me..

i think too much again..

yeah i realize how evil my mouth would be..

i started to talk lesser to certain people..

reason is afraid i cant control my evil language and would hurt their little heart..

im not teasing them, i know how evil i can be..

there is some rules when i talk..

i realize how cruel i am sometimes..

i hate to repeat, if that people keep don't wanna listen to it..

ask me to talk it back, i will said, nothing nothing..

not i hate to repeat, is just that, there are things i wanna share it out,

but when you ignore the moment i wanna talk and talk bout other stuff,

the feeling or the importance of the things i wanna share out just then, gone..

i also realize how un-important i am..

what for i wanna force myself to talk.. or to make a conversation lively..

people wouldnt care what crap i talk..

i better talk to myself more rather than talk to others..

since im not that important anyway..

i observe how other treat others and how they treat it back to me..

totally felt dejected..

you wanna me to understand your feeling but none of you did the same to me!

you hate explanation from me, fine..

i started not to explain anymore,

it feel sucks! when i try to explain and you keep reject to hear it..

when i start not to explain, or talk lesser..

the conversation turn weird..

i don't know how to explain this situation..

it felt as if im the one who ruined the whole conversation

maybe i hate myself so much..

it felt like you deserve other friend who can understand you more than me..

you need other but not me..

and since whatever i talk now sound not important..

fine.. i will not talk more starting from now..

my mentally state now is really really really worst since the previous two exam..

i can burst to tear any moment,

i try not to talk much, in case i suddenly drop few of my tears and freak others..

i hide myself, just don't wanna let others see how down i am now..

but then,

i thought that going out awhile will be better than staying inside my room..

eat something and chat happily since i never ate anything for two days..

see lot of happy people in street better than face computer alone...

i never thought thing will be end up like this...

for you, i am addressed at 'other people' rather than 'friend'...

this just prove everything..

it prove what i thought what other's thought bout me is truth..

im sorry that i am your friend..

sorry that you had to be my friend..

sorry to force you to be my friend..

after so long only now i realize how evil i am to everyone..

how suck i am playing a role as a friend to everyone..

the sucker-face me should just disappeared from your eyesight..

maybe i just suit to talk with computer rather than human..

im sucks at handling people emotions.. sucks at talking with human..

*big sigh~*

since previous incident and now,

i really think that their world will be better without me...

i am not angry..

i am not pissed as well.

i just disappointed with myself..

how failed i am to be a human..

if anything that happen, it is my fault..

till now, i don't think i done anything good..

to anyone, to the world..

what am i...

i don't even had to authority to ask someone to accompany awhile,

talk to me for awhile..

they just reject me while i need them the most..

sick of it..

seriously, what am i to you...

what am i to myself..

i wanted to tell her..

so much pain i hold into myself..

today is mother day..

how on earth im going to make her sad..

but

dear mum,

your daughter had successfully ruined two test..

what to do if i really failed both of the subject..

please don't be so disappointed..

i try harder next time..

sorry...

i really envy all my friends that share their personal life conflict with others..

they are brave to share it out,

while me, the coward..

still choose here.....

even she, came to me..

talk everything to me..

and after everything end..

i feel guilty..

i shouldn't enjoy my life so well,

i shouldn't eat so well,

i shouldn't play so hard,

i shouldn't spend so much..

i shouldn't even think on how to enjoy me life to the fullest!

i am being so bad to enjoy me life so well while ....

*while? i don't want to talk bout this*

I'm too arrogant to share out the shame of me..

u are not the shame..

i am just ashamed of who i am..

just sorry..

really sorry for being so selfish..

so sorry for the bad attitude i have...

the most sorry that is,

u have to be with the bad-ass, me..

i understand all the suffering you went through,

i can't do anything because i really coward to face it myself..

coward to step out..

i have nothing..

i even selfish to dump you alone for everything, which prove that im the real jerk...

sorry..

the only thing i can do is quietly listen to everything you wanna complain..

even though it hurt me while listening to it,

i choose to listen, that is the only thing that i can do to make you feel better..

the only way that i can do to learn from the mistake i had done to you..

if time can turn back,

i wish i can make you knew others people rather than anyone that will related to me..

I'm sorry..

i cant describe how sorry i am..

but anyhow,

i still want to thanks you,

for talk to me..

for believing in me..

thanks you

thank you for still showing your caring to me after what i done to you..

burst into tears when you ask me bout my health,

after all those bad life you suffer, and you still concern bout me..

i really ashamed of myself..

everything of me..

back then, i should have just killed myself,

maybe the world will be better without me..

but right now, i should be more strong to keep holding on..

at least make you experience things i wanted you can be experience before i really left...

you are the truly best and good-hearted people in the world i ever meet with..

god should just take my life..

i willing to exchange my long life and make you live longer..

in this life,

i should't ask for more..

this is more than enough...

the reason why i post this is because,

im really sad..

and i want to make those people who read this,

who think that i am a good people or whatever..

im not..

the real fact of me is.. im a jerk..

u still know nothing bout me..