Handicap Me

Actually what had happen?

the symptom started several year back then,

i don't really remember..

for sure, it really freak me off..

walking in the house and suddenly i will feel down,

just because my right leg lost it energy..

the whole right leg in pain whenever i try to walk..

lost it balance then i fell down..

i still even remember i need to crawl back to the room..

sleep~ thinking everything will be fine,

the pain will be gone once i awake

this is the story..

for two day,

i stay like a handicap in the bed..

yes..

my leg totally cant move at all.. no damn energy to support my weight..

the first day, i still feel okay with it..

the second day.. it totally freak me,

i start to imagine the life I'm going to go through if my leg really nerve breakdown for the rest of the life from now..

I'm still young,

yes, i did say i want to die fast,

but i dint say i want to handicap in young age! ==

but not whole day in pain of course,

still have normal time, where i can walk for two hour?

go out with my mum.. and suddenly,

shit! it came again..

now i cant walk in the middle of the road..

damn it!!

my mum continue her stuff, i waited her outside

alone..

with my motor..

and the sun..

sitting there waiting..

try to walk..

but the pain.. damn it!!

two time i go out.. it end up in this..

ah~ why leg pain still wanna go out?

no choice! have to settle my government-related stuff before i back..

talk till the end,

it won't lead to handicap i guess..

just something wrong with the nerve, according to clinic's doctor..

but of course, i do pray whatever the doctor said is true..

now walk is not a problem to me after i ate pain killer..

but when i lie down to the bed..

i can feel something weird with my right leg..

sigh.. i do hope nothing when wrong..

everything will be fine after tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow..

or else, I'm going to x-ray, consult expertise in bone~

and then they will found out lot lot of thing in my body already cannot function!!

oh no!!!!!

okay i think a lot..

but,

this is what sick patient do!!!!!

no wonder those who stayed at hospital for long period can lead to depression as well..

==

this sickness totally take off my mind and whatever stuff..

i cant concentrate *excuses?* :P

gonna start work hard now...

and to those who read this..

pray for me *cross finger*

__________________________________________

long time haven't update blog,

and every time i update my blog sure gonna be sad stuff..

pathetic me..

is like nothing good going to happen for me..

true true true :P

is less good thing happen for me..

but whatever is it..

this is not the stuff i want to talk about..

this semester start,

i learn a lot of thing..

one of it is,

i don't want to explain anymore since u don't want to hear this..

thanks to one people, who don't wanna to listen to my excuses no matter how hard i want to clear myself from the guilt..

that people resist to listen, saying i had lot of lame stupid excuses..

and even uses my excuses to make joke..

though i know that people trying to joke around with me *good-friend ma*

but that particular moment really hurt me deep deep to the core..

every single inch in my heart feel so damn pain..

damn.. even nearly cry out..

that moment start, i already felt so heart-distressed..

i hate to explain more anymore..

when people misunderstood me for anything..

i just let them be..

Quote by me: I am born to be HATE, Forget Forget...

to make myself feel better..

it is not fun thing to be misunderstood by people..

it is not fun thing to be hate by people...

my leg incident i mention earlier..

i think i make several people pissed with me just because i can't make up to the date we had agree previously..

i did not explain much, just say that i can't go..

but actually, i had indirectly hint them, saying my leg is kind of weak..

still the same, nobody really bother bout it..

Quote: What i say is CRAP!! nobody BELIEVE it.. Only True Friend understand you..

ah ah.. my true friend will understand me.. fine fine..

relax relax...

eventually, i start to interpret and read other people mind

to guess what on their mind [especially they don't want to talk to me]

yeah.. i feel so proud to guess it right *sometimes*

at least i know to back-off when i guess that people don't wanna to see my fucking face..

need not have to apologize actually...

you make me learn new stuff again.. =)

still wanna talk bout several stuff..

but i guess that is for today...

the second essay really make me down..

it felt as if i really born to be hate by ppl

Orz

TT

i don't know

whenever i get alone,

the feeling come again..

have been feeling like this since last week..

try to immune my brain and heart not to think negatively by listening to songs..

talk with friends,

make myself super busy and damn tired before go off to bed..

try to make myself don't get myself so into the social networking website..

and now, i end up addicted to youtube.com

the silent creep me..

i can't stand it,

i wanted to find someone to talk to, but when im with someone,

i dont know want to talk what to you..

i don't know what actually making me under depression..

i don't know what i want

i don't know what i need

i don't know...

i don't know why i am so stupid..

i don't know wanna how to express what i want,

the want that me myself confuse with..

i..

jealous

envy

you..

finally tear drop after holding it for so many day..

T^T

purposely write so many thing to make myself cry..

i need to release a bit stress..