rejection

i never or didn't have the gut to share everything about me to people..

i am too afraid people might leave me alone when they knew too much about me..

but..

rejection from other to listen to me is the most horrible thing to be face..

just now,

keep being reject to be listen when i was trying to voice out..

rejection make me feel as if I'm not important..

people make me feel unsafe..

I'm making myself feeling unsafe with people..

i am afraid of anything and everything..

this is what people never felt because they never been neglected by someone whom they wish they will not be neglect with..

or i should say,

they are too like-able by their friends,

that why, they owned the power to reject to listen others..

I'm just needed to approve what you said..

my point keep being reject...

never mind,

i grown up most through rejection..

******

though you making me felt stupid..

i still cant motivate myself to prove that i need not to follow your tail around..

sigh..

can't believe it..

i have to learn to control my attitude and anger

and learn to low down the head and listen..

tell myself every single time,

don't argue.. don't argue..

just follow, just follow.

but in the end,

i still burst out everything i feel..

i am really weak in controlling my fucking emotional intelligence..

damn..

damn me..

damn the weak me..

oh damn..

i am so down...

frust

stress

my mind feel nothing..

i can't even sleep..

fuck!

T_T

****

why people keep asking bout it??

it make me feel that i am really not friendly to be friend with

though i know that's the fact which i don't want to admit..

==

i don't know what's wrong..

maybe the problem come from me..

i am born to be a little bit cool aka lansi..

but for sure is..

i am 100% sure that i am not LESBIAN..

please don't touch this kind of sensitive issue..

i damn fucking hate it..

making me so speechless and embarrassed in the same time..

what you all wanna know??

i tell truly there is no one,

ya..

never been a single person came to me personally..

did i wish for it??

yes! previously, i do expect very very much

but the expectation some how grew to be lesser and lesser..

as many people told the truth of me that i am hard to be talk to..

i am not pretty

i am not good

and bla bla bla..

but i didn't mean wanna blame them,

they just wake me up from fantasy to realize the cruel and how realistic the people are..

making me feeling so scare and embarrassed with myself as i feel i don't deserve to be..

till now, when people trying to say something good,

it just make me feel like they are just trying to make me feel better...

and that's make all the expectation grew lesser and more lesser...

did i found someone?

yes.. i do found someone i like,

should say several.. xD

was waiting him to make the move,

but he never =..=

but it's okay,

at least he still stay perfect in my imagination

and as time gone,

those feeling gone as well..

friend,

i wasn't trying to blame you all..

my expectation is high maybe..

too many fantasy lead me to this=..=

anyway,

i appreciate your concern..

please continue give your positive comment on me,

so i can still improve myself before the right one found me..

and one more important thing i wanna mention is..

I AM NOT DESPERATE

-the end-

Work Hard

I've been busy working hard this few days..

handling lots of stuff in the same time,

assignment, events and others stuff come in together..

the time is pack,

and lots of thing have to be done..

when i really work hard into something,

there is time i came to the down phase of my life..

*how come i still cant be as good as other?*

tough question keep pop~ing out

to test my EQ whether i will continue strive for it or just give up..

tonight is the night,

where i really feel like giving up..

my mind said:

"well, this is me.. procrastinate and giving up to avoid the reality"

this time,

i wanna be a bit different..

work hard atleast for the things i like..

setting a target..

before the end of this semester..

i hope i can at least learn something..

to prove to myself that i can!

YES!! I CAN!!!!

one more thing that i wish is, i hope i can adapt to the pain

and let the pain be part of me.

so that i wouldn't felt so pain anymore?

I really wanna be good at it SO much TT

how come i am so stupid...

i wanna be good at it..

TT

FAILURE

is my own-selves who choose to be in this way..

even failed, i cant blame anyone though i wish there is something i can blame into it...

sigh..

feeling so damn regret whenever see other success

i am such a jerk...

guilty~

to both my parents who put high expectation..

anger~

to myself who still think so childish...

to myself who still be more hardworking toward life..

to the stupid and life-less me..

i had just failed quarter of my life

TT

NEW PHONE!!!!!

and suddenly i miss the time we spend talking together...

starting from new sem,

seems like you are getting busier..

i cant see you around..

talk less than 5 sentences,

i just randomly miss talking to you so so so so much!

yesterday~

my phone went something wrong..

TT

at that moment,

i was thinking to buy a new phone and my father ask me to buy one too..

if im not mistaken, i heard him suggesting Iphone xD

but im not going to buy apple phone..

i browse at phone site all day long,

and im still got my eye catched by that phone

like it very very much!

but then,

suddenly,

my phone is okay back..

so, that all the story of my 'new phone'

^^

in future,

I'm going to get something similar to this or this brand..

this few day,

start of starving myself...

i hope i can succeed this time..

i even eat less...

feeling so dizzy~~~~~

the drama is getting too romance in the end,

making me wanna jot down all those famous conversation use by the actors...

how come it can be that beautiful~

so beautiful making me want to visit there!!!

and

with a member going to hospital and he doing his member part..

only i realize he is so perfect in every aspect!!

so perfect!

too perfect!

very perfect!

super perfect!

jinjia perfect!!!

listening to any song also will think only of you!

reason for me to wanted to learn it well!!

come to my dream tonight..

xD

i sound like a crazy fan...

Just submitted my part 1 of coursework worth 10% out of 40%..

it had been a long time i never do calculating..

and it also had been a long time i never done something i don't know how to do..

T-T

i am so disappointed with myself and all those copy work just to get an A for this subject..

the only subject which i had confident of all since secondary school seems

and i don't know anything at all...

i am so tired..

two day two night staying awake doing nothing,

yet feeling so tired..

now counting time to 7pm to go back home..

exhausted