=(

argh..

i hate it..

hate myself for being so weak when i trying to be mean..

small thing happen and everything of me become un~organizable..

i never learn to shut up..

never learn to think twice before saying it all.................

I'm just a jerk after all..

everyone started to afraid me and they choose a word 'respect' to represent how afraid they are to me..

i just hate this feeling where everyone treated me in this way..

back then,

no one treated me in this way..

people treated me normally,

even how arrogant i am.. they will just point it out straight to my face in a good way..

people I'm facing right now is much more horrible..

they did it behind me..

some even isolate me..

stay away from me...

when I'm trying to be good,

they just had the perception that this is just me..

I'm mean

I'm arrogant

everything of me is equal to a jerk..

maybe I'm just a jerk after all..

there is some reason why all the people treated me in this way...

can't you understand how sad i am now?

now i sound like a joke to everyone...

i cant even find someone to talk too..

i cant even find a way to express how sad i am to someone..

i cant even find a place i can cry out loud without letting other ppl know..

i cant even have the courage to call back home and express everything..

i just cant..

no one is there when i really need someone...

and I'm sick and tired with this...

and the sad thing of all is..

you never notice it..

you never bother to care bout it..

is this all about?

this is the friendship i had build?

family supporting is not strong enough...

i am so damn upset with everything..

maybe just today..

i really cant accept it..

i am so damn weak...

i am really tired of being the 'me' right now..

i am so tired with everything..

i am so tired being stuck with all this thing..

i am tired with this life...

T__T

wish it will never stop flowing...

I'm so tired thinking bout this..

i want to back to my room..

my very own room..

shut myself from the world..

Update

is not insomnia..

is refuse to sleep..

not tired but just feeling so tired...

getting harder to breath..

i am mentality tired...

physically getting older...

rather spending night doing nothing and spend time online~ing..

searching for songs that suit my mood the best..

and i listen to him again...

the only one who sang what i feeling every night..

expectation beyond expectation....

and i just don't understand the whys why in me..

the answer from other never satisfied me..

I'm sad with it..

I'm upset with it..

I'm upset with everything..

I'm upset why other can be upset than me..

I'm just upset..

I'm not emo..

just love the feeling of alone~ing..

love the cold night breeze..

love the dark sky..

love to stare at nothing for nothing..

love to just quietly enjoy the moment I'm enjoying now...

but i cant control tear to drop, and i don't even know why I'm crying now..

and then i realize..

i need Anime again..

is been a long long time, i never had a good laugh for a day...

why you never invite me?

why you never call me?

tired of waiting...

Short Update

Just finish my one day with three exam yesterday..

result haven't out yet...

but i have full confident to get mark that will out of my expectation^^

just now..

my lecturer distributed mid-term paper..

oh yea~

i score quite high..

a total of 90% after add in the 'mercy marks' that lecturer promise..

but the only things that make me a bit pissed [really just a bit]

is the lecturer says good things to all the boys who score quite high..

eg:

"not bad not bad"

"quite high what"

"good"

and when i submit my paper to register my marks..

he straightly ask

"eh u do it your own or copy?"

i said i do it in group discussion

"with who?"

i said i do it with my CS friends from foundation..

and he said

"so U copy more than do it yourself la?"

i just laugh and leave

and i heard..

"she laugh like this mean she really copying lo"

and others people who still at the class laugh..

actually,

i don't mind being tease like that..

don't get me wrong..

i just think that the lecturer thought that boys can done better than girl in this subject..

er~~

no comment anymore..

by the way..

this short update is not suppose to brag bout how high mark i score all my mid-term and practical test..

the true story start here..

the lecturer is right bout me..

i really do copy the answer from 3 different people..

i can said that 80% is copy while 20% is my hard work of trying to search out the answer and understand the answer..

this is the first time I'm so rely on tips and "answer" provided by my friends..

most of the test are 99.99% similarity of what friend provided me with..

i even cheat during practical class...

this is how i get my high mark from..

every exam i had till now..

i only done one myself and i score 84%~

because it is an open book practical test..

i am not clever..

i am clever because i have friend like them..

thank you...

i will so rely on this tips is because i wanna score high for my coursework mark..

i need an insurance for not getting into the probation list

and bad news come after this week..

I'm going to start studying really really hard to cope up with every subject..

huhuhuhu~~

i really know nothing bout everything I'm studying now..

i should start with subject that I'm going to aim at least a B an above..

Introduction to Computer Organization and Architecture

all the best to me..

usssshhhhhh ar~!!!!!!

Songs To SHARE~

yea~

my baby laptop is back..

and is time to massively update with all the song i miss out...

and here are some songs i wanna share with you all..

李霄云 你看到的我是蓝色的 All Blue

发行时间：2010-7-7

发行公司：天娱传媒

专辑语种：国语 Mandarin

Track List :
01. 你看到的我是蓝色的

02. 习惯

03. 爸爸给的坚强

04. 被剧终的音符

05. 灯

06. 我没那么狠心

07. 微笑练习

08. 你不在的时候

09. 沉淀

10. 我为谁而来

her style, i mean the look.. is some kinda alike with 刘力杨

did not mean to download her album but the title just attracted me..

well, i guess this china artist does impress me...

next is going to be

SHINee

Title: The 2nd Album `Lucifer`

Genre: Dance Pop / Ballad
Release Date: 2010.07.19

Track List:

1. Up & Down
2. Lucifer
3. Electric Heart
4. A-Yo
5. 욕(慾) (Obsession)
6. 화살 (Quasimodo)
7. 악 (Shout Out)
8. Wowowow
9. Your Name
10. Life
11. Ready Or Not
12. Love Pain
13. 사.계.후 (Love Still Goes On)

ooh yeah~ this album really attracted me..

their boombasstic songs really addictive!!!

love them

lots of new songs are release..

南拳妈妈，王力宏，and so on~

not able to listen to every songs.. i only got pair of ears T.T

and..

i ended this post with this songs...

this song give me the feeling like

Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling

^^

War Of My Life

if the way i talked annoying..

sorry,

i will to shut up..

if the way i cut/join into your conversation annoyed you

sorry,

i will leave immediately

if the way i act distracting..

sorry,

i will disappear..

if talking to me wasting your time..

sorry,

please don't ever do it again to me..

I'm not forcing you to talk to me whenever I'm down or happy...

if my unhappy distracted your emotion..

sorry,

i will not tell you anymore..

i wont tell you anything ever again...

please don't force yourself to ask me what happen...

sorry,

please don't visit here anymore..

sorry,

i will not find you during these period until I'm able to control it...

if everything of me disgust U..

sorry,

i will choose to avoid U..

in the mean time,

i will change..

maybe i should just shut up..

and talk whenever is needed...

maybe i should just disappear..

so that i won't annoyed anyone...

sigh~

it hits and give me a huge impact..

this really hurt me a lot,

and it does change a lot on everything..

i cant forget it...

everything in my life seems uncontrollable since it attacked..

i thought of lots of things since that day...

the silently is so creepy and it freak me out..

i can feel everyone hate my existence on that moment..

it feel so damn awkward as i got no where to go but just remain silently and let the rain wash it all away..

avoided all this thought by watching anime for two day non stop...

and it help..

but whenever i stop..

it comes again...

I'm the one who should be blame for not putting effort or noticing the fact that i hurt U before..

and the hurt is hurting me so so so so much..

T_T

everything had change...

or is just me..

me who want to change it..

to be a better me?

i am weak,

because i don't have enough hatred

#########################################################

thinking of wanna spend lots of money whenever I'm sad...

and something hit my brain..

and i remember a fact..

oh yeah, I'm not a rich one..

Iphone, Samsung Galaxy S, Nikon DSLR, Nikon Camera..

all these will be just a dream that i could not dream off...

is hard to face the reality after being hit by so many things this few days..

whenever i gather all the energy to make my move..

I've being shoot again from far...

it seems like i have to stay inside the circle forever...

i wanna fled away..

as far as i could..

starting from this semester,

lot of bad thing happen..

i try to be optimize toward everything..

i succeeded at the beginning..

and now..

everything seems so impossible..

Today is just not the day...

I'm sorry i cant help a thing when

today, a friend told me that...

'today is my baddest day'

the saddest part is,

how many people actually know what is on my mind..

how many people actually will ask sincerely what happen..

everything because you visited here..

by the time you ask,

i will only reply..

I'm fine

When I am alone

When I am alone..

i cant help myself to stop thinking how i offended U, so many of U..

i cant help myself to hate myself for offended U..

sometime, i thought of talk nothing and just keep my fucking mouth shut tightly..

but i just dislike the moment when people did not want to talk to me..

it make me feel like i have offended you..

recently,

my mind is just worried whether i got offended anyone..

every conversation i have with others being justify every time when I'm alone

to make sure that i didn't offend other's people..

and the main problem occur here is..

i did not dare to apologize..

TT

Envious Minded

This post is to talk about how envious minded am i..

this minded pop out just today,

when i was chatting with my big brother and out of no where,

i mentioned bout my little brother with him..

i get a shock when my brother told me that,

he is actually kind of popular at school..

my brother eventually also feel the same as i do.. LOL

he had hold lots of big and important position in school..

i guess, if he sign up for prefect in the early of school, he can be voted as the vice or president also..

since secondary school,

he had shown lots of interest in playing chess..

if I'm not mistake, he once represent the state or district..

he is good in both Chinese and ang mo chess...

sports is not a problem to him..

i watches him played in a basketball competition before...

with his team and his nickname 'lamfung' xD

he is good...

badminton? maybe, i can see him obsess with badminton recently..

and his academic?

he is getting better and better each year..

i bet he will do very well for A-Level..

my big brother?

i don't know how to start up with his story..

he is just giving me a feeling that he is popular..

yes he is indeed popular among his friend..

he is a very easy get a long friend..

he is good at making joke,

he is good at critical thinking..

i also have to say he is good at emotional intelligence,

he just know the right time to joke or talked bout something serious..

even the way he express his anger,

everyone will respect it..

or the way he hated some one and making fun of his friends,

no one seems upset with it..

he is okay when everyone making fun with him..

he just good at his EQ.....

while im good at pissing off other people, and lots of people around me are scare of me? am i some kind of freakishly monster or what?

he is just good and everyone will just find him for anything..

even a small gathering or what, his friend will sure invited him or disturb him till he appeared..

this is what i heard from other

I'm just feeling he is good in some aspect but it is just hard for me to explain..

not to forget mention bout their friends..

im not trying to say i dun have a good friends.. but less if compare to them..

they just have lots of friend treated them so so so so so so good...

they have lots of friend at the street..

every night, the entertainment hours unstop..

phone rang, sms in, msn nudge..

just can see they had build up a good friendship network...

while i just had less than 10 people which i can rely on when i really need help and not everyone will be able to show up also..

i really envy with their friendship bonding between them..

it really cant be used to compare..

it can be say as..

one good friend that i have is equal to 5 good friends they have...

both of my brother are good in computerized software..

although both of them sure will not ended up in IT industry/field..

but they are just good than me..

they knew lots of thing bout computer that i never get to known..

even there is some things that i just learn from my course, they knew it too...

they learn thing very fast..

they are obviously good in playing game, any digitalized game will do..

my big brother once get top3 at Diamond Bay playing computer games..

not only that, they are good at playing toys like yo yo or magic cube..

yea i know how to play too. but the way they play and train themselves?

err.. i really cannot

in conclusion, they are just a great man that are just good in everything...

we are from the same parents but they and i are just different in many aspect..

they are good in a lot of thing which i can never master it forever..

while things that i good at, they knew it too..

there are lot of time i just cant keep my track with both of them..

which make me hard to communicate with them..

the relationship between both of them are ways to good,

and sometime i just being isolated by them..

did not blame that for that as i really cant enter to their discussion..

=..=

i envy to both of my brother..

by the way,

to those who are reading this blog and know my two brother..

please never ever spread this..

i don't wanna let them laugh their ass off as im praising them

I'm sort of a type that easily envy with everything..

but I'm also easily forget bout those thing or accept the truth..

Wake Up Call

An exam that had break all my pride, confident and everything that i believe myself in..

all the confident i built in one year is being crash just like that..

feel so damn pissed with myself...

an exam that prove how stupid am i..

an exam that prove that i did not work hard enough..

i never feel so stupid ever in my life before..

this is the first time i copy all the answer from other..

i really don't give a damn how high or how low this exam score

because the fact is, i score only 0%

this is so embarrassing..

and it really freak me a LOT!!!

sigh~

i really envy with those who can do the question by themselves although they are not the top scorer..

I'm so upset with my performance this semester...

is time to get myself to be even more serious...

Happy Birthday to ME

thanks to everyone who wasted your whole day, whole week, whole night planning surprises and entertain me...

The Tan's Family and Gang

yinshyuan, yinching, weiloo, leeming, shynnyoong, yewfai

112Gang

jiawei, suangsuang, chinlan, peilee

TCGang

lijiun, woeichyuan, wanchui, karyan, jienboon, wallace, and elson

a very big clap from me to you for successfully making the event..

although I'm trying to ignore and hide from this day..

you found me..

thanks..

this is the special birthday i every had after almost two decade I'm alive in earth...

special thanks to my friends who willing to waste their 1min time and purposely wake up middle of the night just to send me a warm and sweet sms...^^

zhiwei, monkuen, yinshyuan, leeming, lijiun, yuting, karvey, wanchui, aipeng, winkhai, siqing

this order is according from the first to the last in my phone msg^^

special thanks to my friend who purposely need to open their computer and search for my facebook profile to send me sweet sweet messages...^^

yinching, jiawei, leeming, zhiwei, lijiun, eugenetham, jayleong, elson, siewchuen, aini, chenyin, yoonkent, vijay, siewchean, huileng, chunpeng, karyan, peilee, weichu, wallace, johnny, yokchong, shushin, lindasun, kevinlee, ahliang, ahseng..

huhu.. thank you for being so updated in my facebook profile.. making me feel that I'm not your invisible friend....

thanks also too rejected supporter.. for those who wishing me at my blog^^

someone(i know who are you), and wallace

thanks to my mum and dad for born me and taking care of me till today

thanks for the dinner you make the day before my birthday..

love it so so much although you did not express anything...

####################################################

actually, i did not plan wanna write anything related to my birthday today...

i just found out something that making me feeling so touch just now..

i drop my tears when i try to read every single word of it...

reading it i do feel appreciate, warm, and memories keep playing in my mind..

seriously, i cant even think of something that had being mention,

maybe i never really appreciate every friendship that i make..

feel so ashamed of myself

but hei, is not your fault..

with this, i will try my best..

to become everyone best friends..

i hope you are doing fine..

my birthday wish?

i wish everyone is happy with their life and move on with no regret....

thanks..

i will remember this always^^

Thank U/Sorry

A simple post to say out loud a lot a lot lot lot of appreciation to all the people beside me...

those who celebrate my birthday, thanks for the effort[will update bout it SOON]

those who work hard with me every night for assignment..

those who give me courage,

those who had being treat as 'punch bag' accidentally whenever I'm in anger[thanks for not being upset with my attitude]

those who help me do all the registration stuff,

those who help me on tips for exam,

those who help me giving all those important information..

i cant do anything except express my gratitude here..

thank U

**********************************************************************

Recently I've been so down..

lot of time i wanna complain all those invisible problem that laid deep within my mind..

but i cant explain it in word...

it had been so so tough..

every night, i feel like want to cry out loud whenever I'm thinking that the arrival of TOMORROW..

sigh.. my stress level is boasting every single day..

after i ended each of my exam..

feel nothing but just disappointed..

I'm not trying to show off right now..

i just really feel disappointed with myself this few days..

feel like I'm going to back to the previous me in two years ago...

useless life, wasted the two years time..

i know the goal that i should fight for,

but i just cant motivate myself to get into it...

whenever i see others people studying,

the kiasu-ness minded me start to feel pissed off...

i just cant understand myself..

sigh...

I'm shivering every single day

afraid of the arrival of tomorrow..

I'm feeling that I'm changing a lot into more aggressive me..

so hate myself whenever i think back on how arrogant am i trying to control others people life to follow on how i planned everything should be..

I'm sorry..

to those i hurt before..

i talk without think twice..

my word are too harsh...

if my attitude pissed you off...

I'm just sorry..

i apologize sincerely..

is been so tough for me to go through..

acting to be too strong is too tiring..

becoming strong and independent is stressful..

sometime, i do hope there is someone willing to share out their shoulder for me...

i hope that people will treat me like i need some protection...

i do hope that i can cry out loud without feeling shame of myself..

i do hope that i can becoming a person that rely on people and not people rely on me...

i do hope there is people willing to teach me like i know nothing bout everything..

T_T

everything is been so damn hard for me to go through..

i just hope that, people will not look too high on me..

don't put too much expectation..

I'm actually not like the one you see everyday...

I'm a weak and pathetic human that seeking for a simple life...

sorry

I'm in such a condition that i don't even know what i want to say anymore..

T_T

一个人久了

一个人久了。。。会懒得恋爱。。。
一个人久了。。。朋友会越重要。。。
一个人久了。。。会越来越喜欢听歌。。。


一个人久了。。。电话会常常忘记带。。。


一个人久了。。。会养成一个怪癖。。。


一个人久了。。。对爱情会越来越挑剔。。。


一个人久了。。。除了寂寞点外还是会蛮开心的。。。


一个人久了。。。会慢慢变成成熟起来。。。


一个人久了。。。会比以前更重视更爱父母，更重视亲情。。。

一个人久了。。。对所有的节日大多没什么期待。。。

一个人久了。。。听到看到别人一对对的很甜蜜，心里多少还是会有些介意。。。

一个人久了。。。会喜欢买很多无谓东西，带自己去很远的地方。。。

一个人久了。。。会觉得无拘无束自由自在天宽地广。。。

一个人久了。。。爱情会变得越来越不重要，取而代之的是钱和事业。。。

一个人久了。。。会越来越理性，越来越现实。。。

一个人久了。。。会越来越沉闷。。。

一个人久了。。。会懂得处理钱财。。。
一个人久了。。。会把时间都会放在家人身上，，，
一个人久了。。。都不喜欢一个人去戏院看戏。。。

一个人久了。。。做事只需跟自己交待。。。
一个人久了。。。计划未来的东西都只是一个人，，，
一个人久了。。。发白日梦的时间也多了。。。

一个人久了。。。开始会自言自语了。。。

一个人久了。。。开始会做些无聊的东西了。。。

一个人久了。。。开销会少了。。
一个人久了。。。朋友会越来越多了。。。
一个人久了。。。会喜欢坐在沙滩上。。。
一个人久了。。。是很幸福的时光。。。
一个人久了。。。会喜欢上一个人的生活。。。

Im BAD

whenever people need help...

i will try my best to help them if i can..

even they need no help at all, i still will try my best to find whatever thing to help them to make their life good with my presence in their life...

i do this, because i believe in karma..

i do hope that, whenever i need help..

there is someone who will help me back without expecting any returning..

sigh..

guess that i was wrong..

no matter how hard i try is equal to how hard i present myself to look more stupid in front of other..

sometime, i do angry with those people

which was like giving a

'you have no leg no hand to do it yourself?'

and this started to annoyed me most..

i even start to hate most of my friend around me..

no matter who you are,

i hate myself because of my stupidness whenever i ask any help from you...

i am sorry that i am so annoying..

i am so sorry to disturb you..

maybe I'm the one who suppose to leave you alone instead you trying to leave me..

sensing how much hate you keep inside your heart is making me feel so damn of myself...

i treat everyone equally same,

there is no differentiation between everyone in my friendship

the things that make difference is because i started to hate you

and i sense that you hate me too..

if you think that im not talking bout you, you are so wrong..

because it is you the one im talking bout...

don't worry, I'm not trying to express my anger to you..

looking at you making me feel pissed of myself..

maybe i should learn to shut up whenever I'm with you, so that you can be in peace..

i never understand last time did not mean I'm not now..