yeah i realize how evil my mouth would be..

i started to talk lesser to certain people..

reason is afraid i cant control my evil language and would hurt their little heart..

im not teasing them, i know how evil i can be..

there is some rules when i talk..

i realize how cruel i am sometimes..

i hate to repeat, if that people keep don't wanna listen to it..

ask me to talk it back, i will said, nothing nothing..

not i hate to repeat, is just that, there are things i wanna share it out,

but when you ignore the moment i wanna talk and talk bout other stuff,

the feeling or the importance of the things i wanna share out just then, gone..

i also realize how un-important i am..

what for i wanna force myself to talk.. or to make a conversation lively..

people wouldnt care what crap i talk..

i better talk to myself more rather than talk to others..

since im not that important anyway..

i observe how other treat others and how they treat it back to me..

totally felt dejected..

you wanna me to understand your feeling but none of you did the same to me!

you hate explanation from me, fine..

i started not to explain anymore,

it feel sucks! when i try to explain and you keep reject to hear it..

when i start not to explain, or talk lesser..

the conversation turn weird..

i don't know how to explain this situation..

it felt as if im the one who ruined the whole conversation

maybe i hate myself so much..

it felt like you deserve other friend who can understand you more than me..

you need other but not me..

and since whatever i talk now sound not important..

fine.. i will not talk more starting from now..

my mentally state now is really really really worst since the previous two exam..

i can burst to tear any moment,

i try not to talk much, in case i suddenly drop few of my tears and freak others..

i hide myself, just don't wanna let others see how down i am now..

but then,

i thought that going out awhile will be better than staying inside my room..

eat something and chat happily since i never ate anything for two days..

see lot of happy people in street better than face computer alone...

i never thought thing will be end up like this...

for you, i am addressed at 'other people' rather than 'friend'...

this just prove everything..

it prove what i thought what other's thought bout me is truth..

im sorry that i am your friend..

sorry that you had to be my friend..

sorry to force you to be my friend..

after so long only now i realize how evil i am to everyone..

how suck i am playing a role as a friend to everyone..

the sucker-face me should just disappeared from your eyesight..

maybe i just suit to talk with computer rather than human..

im sucks at handling people emotions.. sucks at talking with human..

*big sigh~*

since previous incident and now,

i really think that their world will be better without me...

i am not angry..

i am not pissed as well.

i just disappointed with myself..

how failed i am to be a human..

if anything that happen, it is my fault..

till now, i don't think i done anything good..

to anyone, to the world..

what am i...

i don't even had to authority to ask someone to accompany awhile,

talk to me for awhile..

they just reject me while i need them the most..

sick of it..

seriously, what am i to you...

what am i to myself..

i really envy all my friends that share their personal life conflict with others..

they are brave to share it out,

while me, the coward..

still choose here.....

even she, came to me..

talk everything to me..

and after everything end..

i feel guilty..

i shouldn't enjoy my life so well,

i shouldn't eat so well,

i shouldn't play so hard,

i shouldn't spend so much..

i shouldn't even think on how to enjoy me life to the fullest!

i am being so bad to enjoy me life so well while ....

*while? i don't want to talk bout this*

I'm too arrogant to share out the shame of me..

u are not the shame..

i am just ashamed of who i am..

just sorry..

really sorry for being so selfish..

so sorry for the bad attitude i have...

the most sorry that is,

u have to be with the bad-ass, me..

i understand all the suffering you went through,

i can't do anything because i really coward to face it myself..

coward to step out..

i have nothing..

i even selfish to dump you alone for everything, which prove that im the real jerk...

sorry..

the only thing i can do is quietly listen to everything you wanna complain..

even though it hurt me while listening to it,

i choose to listen, that is the only thing that i can do to make you feel better..

the only way that i can do to learn from the mistake i had done to you..

if time can turn back,

i wish i can make you knew others people rather than anyone that will related to me..

I'm sorry..

i cant describe how sorry i am..

but anyhow,

i still want to thanks you,

for talk to me..

for believing in me..

thanks you

thank you for still showing your caring to me after what i done to you..

burst into tears when you ask me bout my health,

after all those bad life you suffer, and you still concern bout me..

i really ashamed of myself..

everything of me..

back then, i should have just killed myself,

maybe the world will be better without me..

but right now, i should be more strong to keep holding on..

at least make you experience things i wanted you can be experience before i really left...

you are the truly best and good-hearted people in the world i ever meet with..

god should just take my life..

i willing to exchange my long life and make you live longer..

in this life,

i should't ask for more..

this is more than enough...

the reason why i post this is because,

im really sad..

and i want to make those people who read this,

who think that i am a good people or whatever..

im not..

the real fact of me is.. im a jerk..

u still know nothing bout me..

FAILURE

is my own-selves who choose to be in this way..

even failed, i cant blame anyone though i wish there is something i can blame into it...

sigh..

feeling so damn regret whenever see other success

i am such a jerk...

guilty~

to both my parents who put high expectation..

anger~

to myself who still think so childish...

to myself who still be more hardworking toward life..

to the stupid and life-less me..

i had just failed quarter of my life

TT

hated to talk...

tired to talk..

lazy to talk..

maybe i observe a lot of thing by keeping myself silent...

i learn a lot of things...

i realize a lot of things...

for them,

i realize that, i really invisible..

there are things that i requested before...

but because i am I..

therefore, a lot of things..

they wouldn't help at all....

but if other requested the same thing..

it wouldn't be the same..

people willing to even go to others house,

just to help them settle it..

maybe i have no value for them to do so..

maybe i not worth for people to do so..

by the way, i did not requested people to come to my house and fix my problem..

i can go to find you..

but the rejecting message you gave to me..

make me realize

and wake up

it's cruel...

why people love to treated me in this way?

is this because i use this way to treating all of you?

i am also a human??~~

i also have feeling~~~

hurting me, you think the scar is not as deep as other girls out there?

because i does not look like a girl?

because i am not pretty/cute/attractive?

they form a gang with me but i am being isolated

from small till now still the same...

talk in group they included me inside

but when if there is something happen..

people won't call me if there is nothing important

i am the transportation..

just like sms~ing?

my phone had die since i came here...

did not have much purpose except for calling me go meeting

that's all...

even if i sms you..

you feel weird??!!

therefore..

i think i choose the right path by avoiding..

a change...

since I'm not so important,

i make no different in this society

多我一个不多，少我一个也不少。

they are happily laughing..

every question by me being ignored..

I've became more invisible

every comment by me,

easily unseen by others..

i have no intention

to blame anyone..

maybe i am the reason

that causes things that happen now...

by the way,

i need to say thank you to my housemates

they might don't know..

but they really lighten up my days these few days...

love you all~~~

the more i wanted it..

the more it get away from me..

personality?

today,

went for management studies class..

teacher seems in a very good mood today, different from the previous days..

she talked a lot.. and everyone in the class happily laughing with each others...

she point out a question, making me in deep thinking...

what actually is your personality?

she asked all of us to go home and take personality test..

i wonder,

me myself cant understand myself..

how am i going to answer all those question about me?

listening to a songs

Yellow by Coldplay..

the starting of the song is something like this,

Look at the stars, Look how the shine for you...

I'm looking at the star everyday..

will there be a star shine for me when i left?

will there be a place for me?

i wanted to make something, before i left this world..

so that,

i will be remember as ME

not as some one else...

and still, talk is forever easier than doing so...

I've been thinking when will i going to change back my old account

maybe~~~

until i be able to control my emotion

and tear wont flow out easily..

count up until now..

4times...

Avoiding

i changed my blog link..

this few days will be the hard time for me i guess..

i need to re-looked back of what actually is me..

until I'll be able to calm down and smile back..

i will change back my blog link

too many people reading..

i mean too many people that i concern is reading...

maybe i don't want them to think that i am insane or what..

or seeking for others care and attention?

i don't know??!!!

i have adapted posting my stuff at here,

so i have no choice but just change blog link..

when i remain silent,

there is a lot of time, i bared hard to hold my tears not to flow out..

just feel wanna cry anytime..

for them, i maybe thinking too much and this is self bring problem..

but i just don't know why i will feel like this...

i spend lots of money recently

feeling so damn fun spending money...

the moment i can concentrate looking at those unliving material and

forget bout others things...

i change my bed location to the living room..

maybe i afraid of talking to people

afraid that i will hurt them..

or

i afraid that they will see me in tears..

alone sleeping at this big living room

remind me of my room back then..

a place where i can lock myself and cry alone...

i really afraid

afraid that people will know..

afraid that i will losing something which i treasure..

everything seems to be very far away from me..

leaving me~~~

and

still the same..

i cant helped myself to cry in front of laptop again...

headache~ing

I'm searching for a reason

to ignore

to avoid

to get away

from you

disappointed

yesterday was the end of everything..
not to mean everything.. at least everything for the 3 month i suffering..
i wish to change it all next semester..
it is been a 'great' experience..
thanks anyway

it is always been like this..
my feeling
my thing
everything about me,
will be put at the last..
and everything bout him.. you all concern it the most!!
this had been i don't know the how many time..
no one willing to fetch me home from bus station..
I'm waiting like an idiot in front of the supermarket..
the sun is burning my skin..
i sit at there and wait..
I'm thinking of walking back home at that moment
i think it is faster than waited at there more than half an hour..
if the person is him..
less than 5 min, you all will go and pick him..

i am so tired and sleepy..
i sleep a total of 16 hours after i came home..
i think you don't know I'm home and sleeping in room either..

there are reason for everything i done..
they doesn't seems to concern, so i act differently for them to realize bout me..
but they said I'm so arrogant.. so i changed again..
they did the same to me.. only you, they concern in the whole family i guess..
what should i do to get their attention??
i get blame for everything i did... whatever thing i done cant satisfy all of you..


my laptop is worrying me..
a friend tell me to ask the person as he is pro in this field..
so i asked...
but no answer.. guess he was busy..
every time it is going to be like this...
the reason i don't want to find people is..
i scare of being rejected..
and yet..
people keep on rejected me...
even he wouldn't want to help me either
i guess..
i have to do this alone again...

i used to wait people to find me..
because i scare be ignore..
i scare people will say I'm so irritating
so i wait and wait and wait
no one know..
that i scare alone..
but yet.. they still throw me to the hole..
let me learn to be independent?
I'll try

feel like wanna cry out!! but bare it all with a laugh on my face..
swear wont cry in front of other again..
because in every one mind..
I'm not suit to become that type of people..
all because i acted like a boy???

people treat people differently......
i know why,
im not worth..
im not
that the end of the story..


我该怎么做？别人才能发现我的存在。
我该怎么做？别人才能发现我的痛。
我该怎么做？别人才懂得爱我？
我该怎么做？

做你多么得好，你都有一斑很好的朋友。。
你到了什么地方，都会找到很多很好的朋友。。
真的很羡慕你。。
每次你有心事，我都很努力的想办法帮你。
但我的时候？发现，没有一个愿意留下听。。
每个人都有烦恼，但我的烦恼就不是烦恼？
不要再一直说我在这里是多么多么的好。。
应为你根本都不懂。。
每次叫我说出来，但我的每一次，你都有听的吗？

我真的很想告诉你，我一点都不开心，一点都不快乐
说到最后，你的事，都比我的重要。。

上网，找不到一个可以聊的。。
回到家，比较喜欢呆在房里。。
出去？要去哪里？
看来，我真的要学会一个人生活
永远。。。

desperate

hmmm
an exam that tense me up for the whole day
stay awake for the entire night to study for this subject (but frankly say, i did not study anything)
when i arrive at school, there is a lot of people passing tips, an eventually, i started to study for the tips given..
and i was pretty lucky to have the tips...
and the tips is quite accurate..

suddenly i felt that I'm really stupid..
I'm adapting my older life again,
study at last minute and always depend on tips a lot!!
will i ever be improve with the study skill like this???



and then,
i feel that people is always teasing on me about how i act and how i look..
i don't know for them is a joke or what..
deep inside, of course i will feel pain..
TT
i am girl after all.....
and people treat me like I'm not a girl..
i tried not to think bout this,
but every time i meet with these people, i feel so embarrass to face them...


tell myself that is not important to change myself just to please other people..
i don't think it work anymore..
judgement on people at here is really high? i don't know wanna how to describe this..
i live in a town with no judgement on how u look, or your appearance,
yea maybe they will talk, but not directly in front of you..
they do comparison,
between me and she,
her attittude is worst than me, but just because she is beautiful and pretty than me,
so people think it is normal..
and me..
they will say that i looked like a BOY~~

they say to me like that
she tell me that
he tell me that
if one people is saying that, i will treat it like a joke..
but the problem is, everyone is saying that!!!


i don't know the point for me to post this post..
sad
desperate
did not have the mood to study
the pressure at here is really making me tenser and tenser each day passes...
i don't know whether i can survive at here or not...



at this moment if god really exists i really hope that god will bless me
clear all my mind
make my mind open a big wider
minimize all these negative thought...


write till the end,
i realize that appearance really important..
and that is how people judge on you, critics on you...
not saying that i cant accept judgement and critics,
please dont over the limitation

expected too much

I've been expecting too much on this...
everyday, i keep wander myself standing at a place that my parents will proud of..
and then say bye bye to the place I'm staying right now...
say bye bye to the fucking rush assignment that not even have been solve for any single subject..
(i hate group work!!! VERY MUCH!!!!!)
i cant work in a group, because I'm a dictator, i wanted everything to follow in my way.. but lazy to do anything..

i don't know is my problem or my group member problem..
how come we cant solve any single assignment in a discussion which is in more than 3 hour periods???
i cant really understand what the hell are we doing on that time..
the deadline is near, exam is around the corner,
I'm not even study anything,
the assignment thing started to make me sweat!!

whatever stuff that i promised to do last time, seems undone..
i forget everything i promised and back to that relaxing life again...
escaping from homework and played every single days..
i wasted my 1 month time doing nothing..
zz!! i see a lot of people around me, fight for it.. but i sleep for it
wonder how I'm going to survive...

talk?

i don't know..
i really don't know...
whenever i wanted to talked, there is no one there...
not listening is OK..
but trouble will came to me..
will there be a person, who is really a middle person... can really listen..
(middle person: people who don't know me, my friends and family)

zzz!!!
so many thing i wanted to spread out here..
but i cant find a word to describe my feeling right now..
just now i really wanted to faint down..
my brain is full of things, then there is people keep adding it..
more and more and more...

i really can die...

choice

from the start you have plan it all..
and then u asked me for my opinion
but my answer cant seem to pleasure u all the time
the expression of your face make me feels that you hate me..
are you regretting?
do i have the chances to speak what i really want and will you consider the things that i had said?
you believe him more than me, then what for you bring me to there?
what for you need my opinion?
what for you need me?

the things that will be owned by me, but i don't have the right to choose..
the things that involving me, but whatever things that i said you seems don't care at all..
the things i wanted, but you never remember compare to other..

everything that i said or voice out will be banned or you all just ignored it
sometimes it really hurt.. bot sometimes, is every time..

I'm invisible?
you cant see me?
you cant hear me?
if like this
then don't buy anything for me..
is like I'm forcing you to do so!!!!!!!

lie

you lied to me
you give me fake hope
all the promise is break..

i ask you for so many time to make sure the thing
you said ya ya ya

and now
you said no
for a sudden..

make me have no choice but to accept your no

why i have to think bout your side
and nobody think of my side..

i should believe what my friends tell me bout you..
you make me feel so damn disappointed with you

happy? smile?

there is once a people ask me...
'why people study and you study, people seems excited with it, happy and looking forward to study at there...
but look at you.. there is an unexplainable sorrow on your face..
dont you happy that you can study out there?
i want also cant have it'

i cant answer your question right now..
i cant get my emotion back to normal..
i feel dont want to speak to anyone..
i dont feel wanna tell out loud my problem also..
i hate sharing my problem..

why i hate it?
actually last time i got some friends who pretended to be nice.. share problem? sure.. only your stories... forever only your stories.. nobody bother to hear or listen my stories.. since then, i hate it to tell my 'STORY'..
i rather suffer alone then share it out..

luckily i still got a sms mate..
today i beg this friend to only listen what i want to said and never ask why cause i wont tell the reason of it..
my friend agree and receive my deadly dying messages..
i dint tell the story, just express my sadness only...
and the replies of this friend is just 'oh', 'em em', 'really'..
and the end 'feel any better'?
(replies of this friend make me cant continue chat, like i was forcing some one to listen to something that is not related with his life)

better? how to describe better?
can consider ok?
no feeling..
is just like that...
i got serious headache these few days.. maybe is a side effect of thinking alots..
i've try to find a solution of nothing that is really matter..
what is really bothering me right now? i really dont know how to answer..
i just feel so down.......


listening to my problem really boring?
or i am just boring?
why i dont want to find my friend to listen?
i dont trust them? dont have the doubt to tell?
they is only the fun part of my life, dont want to drag them into my pain life
i just dont want



i dont want
i dont want dont want
dont want dont want dont want dont want


to talk

why 为什么？

still don't understand why?
why?
you are asking me why?
i also don't know why and don't know how to answer you why
wishing that i can answer the WHY
why the why is so bothering
why i cant find a solution for the why
why the why keep asking me why
how am i going to overcome the why
can i fix the why..

thinking a lot,
confusing
heart is torn into many pieces
cant find the right path
i cant see the light or 'door' of my future
what am i going to do actually?

am i making the right decision?
I'm thinking a lot sound stupid?

i should face the reality as u all said,
but i cant
i just cant
i wish i can


为什么？
到底为什么？

已经知道是知道要走这条路了
为什么心情还是觉得闷闷的

脸上带着了假笑容，
面对所有的事情都觉得很辛苦，
很难很难。

还是觉得自己很失败
我还不能够接受

口口声声说得好像很大不了酱
其实我还是很难过

我还很烦
我到底该往哪条路继续走啊！


because of you
i make a decision to live on
see~ing you suffering everyday to grow me up

曾经有想过要离开这个世界
因为你，决定活了下来
竟然以前已经决定了
所以就要为了你而跟勇敢的活下去！！

using your money that you earn
make me feel that I'm so useless
i don't want to let you see as a useless
suffering day and night
just to forming who am i today
keep broking all my promises that i make
will i be able to make it this time

i hope i can be just like HIM
every word that came from his mouth really hurt, but is true
finally i understand after so many year
reality sucks
i will remember all the thing you said to me
thank you for supporting me...


对不起，
我说不出口
希望你能感得到
真得很抱歉，我无法成为你想象中的人
对不起！

i swear..
i will...
我会~

[finally i cried after so many day]
[i just wanna hide in a dark side, so nobody would notice my pain]
[wearing a fake mask to cover all the sadness in front of other ppl]
[i will continue it]

don't worry i wont suicide.. ^^

我会记得！

今天你对我做的事！
我会永远都记得！！
丢下我一个人！！！

我不会忘记这个感觉

看的太高

I'm looking too high on myself..
i thought i can, but i realize i cant..


this is the 1st time i realize that im totally fell down, im giving advises to my friends, but im afraid i will be the one who cant stand up..
the spirit suddenly had flew away from my body, i cant search for my soul

i finally can understand the feeling of failure
it's hurt
its sucks
its feel pain..

i realize it know..
i feel totally lost now..
why some people are so happy with their future
and I'm so frustrating about it for no reason

thank you for those who giving me fake hope.. at least i can happy for awhile..

what am i going to do?

i hate CAR!!!! i WANT to [S.L.E.E.P.]

huh... recently i have to wake up early in the morning at 6.30am just to go learn car~~
well actually learning car is a fun process for some people!!! but not me~~
haih. maybe i choose the wrong uncle.. this uncle love to scold and shout when i was driving.. there were time i really cant stand of him and just wish to whack his mouth...

but all the shouting and scolding really worth (for him).. at leaast i know how to drive car.. but for me.. i really hate car right now... just wosh to quickly end all this car learning and testing soon...

i cant wake up early everyday just to learn car.. it disturb my sleep time..
some of my friend keep saying me for sleeping too early...
hey...
can you stand waking up 6.30am and then straight go to learn car at 7.30am...
then learn 1 hour.. when i go back home it is almost 9a.m...
i have to prepare go work again and work till 10p.m...
after arrive home... when i really go to sleep.. the time is almost near to 11pm already..
so? you all can say what?
my job is easy?
yea my job is easy.. ur job also easy.. staying at home... or study..
u can sleep at the evening or layong at bed..
i have to keep my eye open although i am very sleepy
i have to keep smiling to customer although i am very tired...

why i complain all this stuff?
just because that i am damm sleepy right now.. and i have to go to work around 5 more minutes..

huh...
luckily tomorrow is my off day..
but off day is like dint off at all..
full of many activites..
forget bout everything.. tomorrow i want to sleep till full~~~~
i want to sleep!!!!!!!!!1

crap no more and what the meaning of 'FRIENDSHIP'

fuh..
i realize.. everytime since i started to work..
i lost my interest to talk...
i dont know why..

sometime to make my friends feel that im not change at all..
i have to think hard and try talk a lot infront of them..

erm..
quite suffer actually,
to see my friends can talk a lot
while im speechless...
sometime i really dont know wanna reply what when my friends started to crap,
should i think hard to reply or just smile or laugh..

hmmm...
there is some one who think that i had change..
the change that make the one think that we are no longer like last time..
what can i say is
maybe i had change
maybe you had change..

but whoever change~
ii wont effect our friendship ok???!!

if i really think that you are bad
i wont sms you
i wont ask you go out yun cha or chatting

wonder where did you have the thought that i started to 'hate' you..
maybe there is a small conflict happen between my other friends..
but the conflict pull me inside to?
fuh~~

i tell you
just forget everything happen!!
we will still can be like last time..
why you all wanna make everything sound so complicated and sound like there is no way to turn back...
is it hard for some of you to make the 1st move?
since there is nothing happen, and is you all the one who think so far away till it break the relationship...

actually nothing is happen between us
dont make it more complicated...




''everything will be alright
tomorrow will be fine''

we seems to be so far away from each other

erm...
since holiday had started, all of us have been busy with working life style or 'lepak'-ing at home or going vacation..

whenever i start to work..
i seems to become 'emo' again..

hahha..
i dont know wether we can still like last time, crapping around, talking joke, sharing your secret..

do i still can maintain my personalities?
haha
XD
forget it

错了！

我错了~~~
发现我真的错了！！ 我该如何把我们的关系变会以前那样呢？
我伤了你吗？我真的伤了你，但你知道吗？你然我很难过耶，你的信息也伤了我的心。。
但也不能怪你啦，是我的错！我该如何做呢？
好烦好烦！！


我是坏人吗？所有的人可能都说是我的错。
但说真的，你也有错。。
为什么总是把所有的错误都推在我身上？
难道你都没有错吗？
如果你真的想的话，那么我再怎么努力也没有用了。。。
你想骂我？觉得我很自私吗？
我是很自私的！！ 这是全认识我的人都知道啊。。
你认识我也有两年了。。 两年的关系，难道还不足够你来了解我吗？

你说你很难过，要人了解你。。
我很快了吗？ 认识哦的人都觉得我快乐. 但真正认识我的人（没有一个）.. 说了也没用！！
有人了解我妈，或许会有，但他们了解我有多深？

你看我有很多朋友！！
但真正了解我的朋友其实也不多啊！！


你要我付出！！ 但你想一想，你有付出过嘛。。
算了算了。。
久燃天来决定谁对谁错吧！！
你要真阳区在别人面前说我，我都无所谓了。。
希望你能接受我的道歉咯。。。