desperate

hmmm
an exam that tense me up for the whole day
stay awake for the entire night to study for this subject (but frankly say, i did not study anything)
when i arrive at school, there is a lot of people passing tips, an eventually, i started to study for the tips given..
and i was pretty lucky to have the tips...
and the tips is quite accurate..

suddenly i felt that I'm really stupid..
I'm adapting my older life again,
study at last minute and always depend on tips a lot!!
will i ever be improve with the study skill like this???



and then,
i feel that people is always teasing on me about how i act and how i look..
i don't know for them is a joke or what..
deep inside, of course i will feel pain..
TT
i am girl after all.....
and people treat me like I'm not a girl..
i tried not to think bout this,
but every time i meet with these people, i feel so embarrass to face them...


tell myself that is not important to change myself just to please other people..
i don't think it work anymore..
judgement on people at here is really high? i don't know wanna how to describe this..
i live in a town with no judgement on how u look, or your appearance,
yea maybe they will talk, but not directly in front of you..
they do comparison,
between me and she,
her attittude is worst than me, but just because she is beautiful and pretty than me,
so people think it is normal..
and me..
they will say that i looked like a BOY~~

they say to me like that
she tell me that
he tell me that
if one people is saying that, i will treat it like a joke..
but the problem is, everyone is saying that!!!


i don't know the point for me to post this post..
sad
desperate
did not have the mood to study
the pressure at here is really making me tenser and tenser each day passes...
i don't know whether i can survive at here or not...



at this moment if god really exists i really hope that god will bless me
clear all my mind
make my mind open a big wider
minimize all these negative thought...


write till the end,
i realize that appearance really important..
and that is how people judge on you, critics on you...
not saying that i cant accept judgement and critics,
please dont over the limitation