learn

Christmas just ended few days ago,
i had a good time chatting with some friends of mine
talking about anything to nothing
except for something which i dislike and everything just turn awkward in a sudden
*friend i apologize of my sudden rudeness, i did that because i hate it if people bring out this issues in public*

i may love to request a lot in front of you
i hope you can do this, i wish you can do that
but in fact,
I'm not
most of the time,
I'm just saying it just to make a chit chat topic
but not with my bbf of course.. i really expect my bbf will do it..
:P
learn not to make blank promises
learn not to give other pressure with those 'wants' i wish to get from them

i make mistake,
though i knew part of it is not my mistake
i just admit it to prevent further argument..
i hate to look at myself in anger
i hate myself when i start to talk back in anger..
i dislike myself behave like a bitch
is not that I'm pretending to be goodmannerorinnocent baby.
just nod, smile and say sorry..
learn to control my anger aka anger management

my parent dislike me spending money on those unnecessary stuff
such as cleansing foam
yeah, i never use cleansing foam/facial in home,
just wash with plain water or soap?
for them, it is unnecessary to clean your face with those stuff,
if your face turn uglier (with pimples and or dark spot)
they simply put on blame on that facial stuff..
LOL this is my mama, kinda cute
what i wanna buy they will say NO
so most of the things i want to buy is still on the wanted list
thanks to them, i save a lot
sometime when think back, i maybe does not need those stuff
learn to control my eager to buy things
learn to differentiate needs and wants..

i dump my friends a lot
most of my friends,
I'm not the one who will take the first move to say hello
maybe i should change that and start saying hello
learn to be extrovert instead of introvert
learn to use verbal instead of nonverbal communication

learn not to look down on myself
instead of saying i can't or I'm not
tried saying now you're not/can't but not in future

people who know this,
i guess only one..
i run away instead of facing it..
if it give the feeling of insecure and make me want to run away
is it indicate that i hate it?
or im just not prepare for it..
learn to accept
learn not to avoid
learn a proper way to avoid.. LOL
till now i still avoiding it, this is totally creepy =.= i know I'm bad
I'm still living in my own world
world that won't give me hurt and everything is under my control.
i am not prepare to step out from my own world yet.

learn to in love with tea
this is random haha
i heard that tea can help to reduce weight
i keep eat and eat non-stop since the sem break start
met with lots of relatives and friends
all of them said: 'wow thin dy, kampar no food eat?'
i don't know i should believe it or not whether i really thin or is just a sentences to say instead of hello
my face is getting chubbier and the pants is getting tighter
symptom of getting fat..
i need to be more thinner
every year resolution to be thin but i failed...
is a good thing of going internship alone,
i wanna make a huge makeover if possible LOL (at least thinner)
trying to avoid seeing my friends this five months,
see what will they said to me after five month xD


learn to dress well
i think i need to improve in this
since i born till now,
i don't have any fashion sense though i love to see how well people dress
when it come to buying cloth to myself
i epic-ly failed
should i find someone to blame? xD
yeap my parent again of course, they keep giving me the impression that our family are actually poor
we are so damn poor that i couldn't buy a shirt which is expensive than rm15
we are so damn poor that i couldn't buy a pant which is expensive than rm30
but now everything changes,
we have e-commerce, lots of online shop with cheap deal...
but then, even i bought those awesome apparel that definitely make yourjawdrops
i couldn't wear out, i still prefer t-shirts and pants
well then just forget bout this,
stick back to t-shirts and pants.. :P
by the way, we are still poor Orz

with all this so many things to learn
i take it all as resolution of the upcoming years


end this post with a song from The Click Five that promoting awareness about human traffic
love them

暗恋 幸福

暗恋是很幸福

没压力

就单纯的喜欢

无限的想象

他，

到底是个怎样的人

他，

可以是个怎样的人

他，

可以跟着我情绪而改变

他，

可以是很多人 任何一个人

他，

在很远 但 很近

虽然知道现实的他

很坏

但

暗恋他

在我幻想世界里

很完美

不懂从几时开始

喜欢一个人发呆

就开始想起他

开始傻傻的笑

梦见他，

多希望可以睡久一点

喜欢听他喜欢的歌

喜欢看他的照片

喜欢听他的声音

喜欢他的歌

喜欢他的可爱

虽然朋友都说他是假的

我还是喜欢

很喜欢 ♥

就这样

我暗恋了许多的人

啊啊~

每天都有不同的暗恋之旅

不必担心，只是写到很开心

夸大很多 :P

너무 너무 너무 좋아해

진짜 행복하기 ♥

*****

最近流行虫虫和猫猫

自己也做了一个

本人最喜欢灰色猫猫

因为 他 也有一个 ^^

gardening part 2

=.=

the soil is too chemical, the seed wont grow..

SAD.. I'm really looking forward for it to grow,

pop out at least a tiny root will do? :.(

my father and lil bro when to dig another kind of soil from other places..

so i mix those two soil together..

hopefully this time, it will grow~

thanks to my father and lil bro for helping me :D

tomorrow morning have to go out,

several things i need to do:

1) do some survey for item need to buy for school society

2) check out some hat/cap

3) develop my filmsss (if i have money, i think my purse left only RM1 with several coins xD)

4) snap some random pictures?

result release,

though it is not a very good result,

i feel blessed..

little bit disappointed (maybe), study quite hard for several subject but end up.. sigh~

never mind.. try harder for next semester..

semester break gonna end soon!

yeah!

can't wait for it,

think i am recharge for the upcoming semester,

getting more excited maybe because this year gonna end soon..

I'm really looking forward for what is going to be happen next year :P

plus plus,

i think i have get rid a little bit of my stick-to-home diseases,

though home is nice,

but living alone let me have a different perspective on it..

i start to enjoy and live in the word of freedom..

the time left is getting lesser and lesser,

i want to do more, see more, taste more, listen more, sense more and try more

with no regret..

kakaka, I'm getting inspired with those independent living style

watch too much drama and movie,

love the beautiful way they living...

I'm going to be one too in future (hope so :P)

for next upcoming semester

with packed timetable and little add-on schedule..

things will be going to be a little bit busy..

going to make a little pledge here:

1)no skipping class for sleeping

that's all...

end this post with SS pictures...

:P

face getting bigger and eyes getting smaller..

going to stick with spec, at least the spec lenses make my eye slightly bigger xD

and and

my hair..

i don't know how to describe it..

=.=

cut it?

next semester gonna live as one-eyed girl

kns hair :P

recently so into my blog music..

a place for us

somehow

someday

sometime

somewhere

there is a place for us

6/10/2011

The White

vs

The Black


working is tiring and boring..

to make one pack,

need 100pcs plastic bag..

one plastic approximately one second to make it..

everyday keep counting from one to fifty repeatedly..

time pass so slow,

so sleepy yet can sleep, (one small mistake, say goodbye to your finger)

so tired yet cant rest for more than one minute,

each two minute sit for 20-30 seconds?

no people to see,

only the machine chopping the plastic,

I'm bored till counting each of the plastic..

playing around with ruler..

watching the second ticking tocking...

working is tiring..

back to home,

lying like a dead fish,

doesn't feel like moving.. :P

today went to deliver stock with my dad,

coconut factory..

the first time i see sea of coconut,

the floor is full of coconut shell and coconut dust..

so hard to breath...

no picture took..

hmm, small town at here got so many interesting small industry...

learn lots of thing...

i start to stalk again =='''

i never add them, never talk to them, never stand in front of them..

was i waiting?

i start to stalk again..

imagine their life without really be close friend with them..

i start to stalk again..

because i wanted to know more secretly about you..

i start to stalk again..

i am afraid if one day, some changes of you will make me down again...

but i still stalk :P

previously keep appearing online till the day they will talk to me....

but none of them did..

keep posting stuff to let them know who i am..

i guess no one notice..

people around me making me to have a perception that,

human only talk with pretty and beautiful human,

or those rich and 'usable' human..

those who can be helpful to them..

i don't have those criteria..

that's why i never talk much with those newly meet friends..

or maybe that why people don't want to talk to me?

base on my observation toward my friends and other people,

most of the time it do prove my 'hypothesis'

the way they treat different people differently..

:/

well,

i don't even talk much with my friends..

i only start to talk to them when they find me..

is not that i am arrogant or what

is because

till now i still think that i don't have the qualification to bother them for 5min or more to chat with me..

sometime, when i need help the most, many people pop out in my mind,

but........

still, i think i don't have the requirement to ask..

qualification? i wonder what is my qualification for me to you?

i failed miserably as a human.. Orz

posting this kind of stuff out making me felt so greedy

i want so much yet i did not put so much effort in it..

but if i really did, will you notice?

no one will..

because of who i am...

i know not everyone will stay forever by my side..

but, selfish me still wish everyone will always by my side till the end..

start from Form5,

people leaving me.. i started everything again in Form6

then Foundation, then Degree..

lots of people leaving and pursue their life independently, starting their new life again in somewhere around the world..

i wonder, do they will still remember me?

i afraid they will forget me..

i afraid they will forget me one day when i say hi to them..

slowly, one by one..

friend that i love, leaving one by one..

TT

i still cant adapt to the new life without those who leave here..

i miss them..

i will truly miss them..

whenever you are..

whatever you are doing..

take care..

i will pray for your safely and luck..

TT

why i disable everything?

due to what happen last week,

how she treated me,

yeah, heart totally felt dejected..

this is me, how easily i am being influenced by others..

now, i really thought that whatever i said will make others pissed..

rather than making other felt pissed,

i try into disabled-mode

now i can control myself not to simply type and press enter..

plus, less notification.. make me can concentrate more on other stuff rather than making me waiting or expecting something from my friends..

disable comment is i afraid of criticism..

and also, i don't wanna receive any comment from you...

for you,

i am not pissed.. i just feel im not worth to be your friends..

you need a boyfriend rather than a friend i guess..

there is some reason why i dislike going out with friends who have boyfriend..

is not like being the torchlight or lightstand..

is how the way you ignore your friends..

plus, if any arguement happen,

there, you have your boyfriend backup you..

you can act as 'barbaric'? or rude?

because you are 'authorized' to do so..

well then,

maybe im narrow minded,

sorry..

first few time, i still can accept it..

but more than that? i guess im too far away from you...

is like im forcing myself to make you accept me into your life as a friend

while till now, you still address me as 'other people'

this few day, i really had a damn serious thought of ending everything that will relate me with you

since more time spend together will lead to unhappiness,

i dont have the damn courage to do so..

now everything that i do is avoiding from the fact that will come soon..

~.~

i make my life is so damn pathetic Orz

BadBye

listening to this song make me suddenly think of you..

keep repeating on it, keep thinking the previous day..

till now, i dare not to delete all the messages..

i dare not go and read back all those messages...

i delete it,

it sound as if really goodbye between you and me...

two year...

and i wonder how you manage to delete me..

i think too much again..

Handicap Me

Actually what had happen?

the symptom started several year back then,

i don't really remember..

for sure, it really freak me off..

walking in the house and suddenly i will feel down,

just because my right leg lost it energy..

the whole right leg in pain whenever i try to walk..

lost it balance then i fell down..

i still even remember i need to crawl back to the room..

sleep~ thinking everything will be fine,

the pain will be gone once i awake

this is the story..

for two day,

i stay like a handicap in the bed..

yes..

my leg totally cant move at all.. no damn energy to support my weight..

the first day, i still feel okay with it..

the second day.. it totally freak me,

i start to imagine the life I'm going to go through if my leg really nerve breakdown for the rest of the life from now..

I'm still young,

yes, i did say i want to die fast,

but i dint say i want to handicap in young age! ==

but not whole day in pain of course,

still have normal time, where i can walk for two hour?

go out with my mum.. and suddenly,

shit! it came again..

now i cant walk in the middle of the road..

damn it!!

my mum continue her stuff, i waited her outside

alone..

with my motor..

and the sun..

sitting there waiting..

try to walk..

but the pain.. damn it!!

two time i go out.. it end up in this..

ah~ why leg pain still wanna go out?

no choice! have to settle my government-related stuff before i back..

talk till the end,

it won't lead to handicap i guess..

just something wrong with the nerve, according to clinic's doctor..

but of course, i do pray whatever the doctor said is true..

now walk is not a problem to me after i ate pain killer..

but when i lie down to the bed..

i can feel something weird with my right leg..

sigh.. i do hope nothing when wrong..

everything will be fine after tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow..

or else, I'm going to x-ray, consult expertise in bone~

and then they will found out lot lot of thing in my body already cannot function!!

oh no!!!!!

okay i think a lot..

but,

this is what sick patient do!!!!!

no wonder those who stayed at hospital for long period can lead to depression as well..

==

this sickness totally take off my mind and whatever stuff..

i cant concentrate *excuses?* :P

gonna start work hard now...

and to those who read this..

pray for me *cross finger*

__________________________________________

long time haven't update blog,

and every time i update my blog sure gonna be sad stuff..

pathetic me..

is like nothing good going to happen for me..

true true true :P

is less good thing happen for me..

but whatever is it..

this is not the stuff i want to talk about..

this semester start,

i learn a lot of thing..

one of it is,

i don't want to explain anymore since u don't want to hear this..

thanks to one people, who don't wanna to listen to my excuses no matter how hard i want to clear myself from the guilt..

that people resist to listen, saying i had lot of lame stupid excuses..

and even uses my excuses to make joke..

though i know that people trying to joke around with me *good-friend ma*

but that particular moment really hurt me deep deep to the core..

every single inch in my heart feel so damn pain..

damn.. even nearly cry out..

that moment start, i already felt so heart-distressed..

i hate to explain more anymore..

when people misunderstood me for anything..

i just let them be..

Quote by me: I am born to be HATE, Forget Forget...

to make myself feel better..

it is not fun thing to be misunderstood by people..

it is not fun thing to be hate by people...

my leg incident i mention earlier..

i think i make several people pissed with me just because i can't make up to the date we had agree previously..

i did not explain much, just say that i can't go..

but actually, i had indirectly hint them, saying my leg is kind of weak..

still the same, nobody really bother bout it..

Quote: What i say is CRAP!! nobody BELIEVE it.. Only True Friend understand you..

ah ah.. my true friend will understand me.. fine fine..

relax relax...

eventually, i start to interpret and read other people mind

to guess what on their mind [especially they don't want to talk to me]

yeah.. i feel so proud to guess it right *sometimes*

at least i know to back-off when i guess that people don't wanna to see my fucking face..

need not have to apologize actually...

you make me learn new stuff again.. =)

still wanna talk bout several stuff..

but i guess that is for today...

the second essay really make me down..

it felt as if i really born to be hate by ppl

Orz

TT

i don't know

whenever i get alone,

the feeling come again..

have been feeling like this since last week..

try to immune my brain and heart not to think negatively by listening to songs..

talk with friends,

make myself super busy and damn tired before go off to bed..

try to make myself don't get myself so into the social networking website..

and now, i end up addicted to youtube.com

the silent creep me..

i can't stand it,

i wanted to find someone to talk to, but when im with someone,

i dont know want to talk what to you..

i don't know what actually making me under depression..

i don't know what i want

i don't know what i need

i don't know...

i don't know why i am so stupid..

i don't know wanna how to express what i want,

the want that me myself confuse with..

i..

jealous

envy

you..

finally tear drop after holding it for so many day..

T^T

purposely write so many thing to make myself cry..

i need to release a bit stress..

Friends?

sometimes i don't really know what i done so far is consider what a good friend should do or not..

i think i did not good enough..

but sorry i have to say this though I'm not really a good people also..

is been awhile,

i don't understand why you have to treat a friend like this..

are we consider being as a friend?

maybe the definition of friend by everyone is different.

but in my opinion, my point of view

what you all did is too over already..

you only treat those special one, really special friends

i know you dislike me from the start..

but being a friend,

and you need others to beg you to did something that most of the time we spend time doing it together,

everyday spending that little moment together..

it already should be a habit already,

but you still need other beg you for it..

it sound like i need to beg you,

kneel down for you

just to be one of your friends.

you talk to me when you like,

you ignore me most of the time,

i need to push myself over for you most of the time..

i don't really know this is friend or not..

maybe you really hate me so much..

i don't know? but it really pissed me sometimes..

well,

i still envy you,

despite of what you had done to everyone,

everyone still love you..

this is the power you owned!

by the way,

this is not about me,

I'm just write it out based on how my friend treat my other friend..

___________________________________________

another story,

as friend,

do we really need to count in every single things?

what i done, you need to return it in future..

i ask for your help, because you also need my help..

this kind of feeling..

it make me feel like we are just using each others...

i really scare being friend with you..

i don't know, it feel weird..

even talk to you, i need to be very careful..

you count every single thing so well..

every time i finish talked to you,

i will re-think it..

yeah, i know i done and said something that pissed that people again..

i wanted to say sorry, but in the end i don't..

why? because i forgot bout it,

plus, not really bump with them most of the time~

the moment we saw each other again,

i think that feeling of pissed already gone?

maybe bunch of friends i mixing with now is treating me really really good!!!

extremely good!

fetch me everywhere to play

*i not even treat them eat or paid for the petrol money*

sometimes treat me eat and drinks..

out with me anytime and anywhere!

though they did not listen to my stuff all of the time,

but i don't care...

at least got people i can talk crap with xD

i feel good being with them,

friends that don't count every single thing..

friends that i wont feel paiseh to ask help..

i ask help most of the time,

if i never ask for your help,

that mean you are the one being mention?

hahaha~

i don't know..

think about it...

maybe i requesting too much for a friends..

xP

sorry if i hurt you~

oh by the way,

one more theory i learn

because i hurt most people with this..

when treating another friends good,

don't tell your other friends..

they will be very upset =(

example?

i treated my friend mcD the other day,

i don't know why i will mention it in front of my other friends...

and they were so upset ...

aiyo~ i say i treat u, u duwan jek.. xD

talk till the end,

am i your friend??

T^T

don't hate me..

i like all my friend!

ME = Lansi??

I very arrogant?

i very snobbish?

I very Lanci?

previously i may~

but is not that i put my pride high~

is because i afraid people would not want to recognize me as friend..

i live in shameful live =(

lol

this is so over-crapped..

but this is what i think of myself..

sometimes,

i don't even think i deserve being friend with you..

i will always thought that i may not be that good,

you will feel ashamed to have me as friend...

sigh~

maybe the friend circle i have previously is too small..

my friend protected me well..

i afraid of being hurt..

i afraid people may not want to wave back or smile back when i smile or wave to them..

too many thing that i afraid..

i try to change now..

now i am slightly better..

i am little bit brave when I'm with friend,

i feel confident to do so if there is friends beside me..

(still sound like loser ==)

but people just don't want to look at me..

i don't know why..

the same friend i had met for two years plus plus or even more

they just don't wanna look at me..

is it i change too much that they cant recognize me..

sad

my problem?

my fault for not just go and say hi to them?

my face problem?

i born with arrogant and fierce face?

i am not friendly in reality?

people dislike me?

i cant open a conversation well?

I'm not a good talker?

things that i talked boring?

i too boring?

i am not attractive enough to be listed in your friend list?

i look like a nerd-IT~ians?

T^T

that people added many people, but not me..

i hesitate many many many times,

thinking wanted to add or not..

in the end, i end up not adding anyone..

for me, i afraid the people feels like i add them because i need to use them or what..

plus,

i added one guy i liked previously~

and till now, i talk nothing or anything with him..

keep saw his update and i still don't dare to comment!

because i afraid again!

afraid people would not reply!

he even take 3 weeks plus to approve me previously..

make me feel no chance at all and I'm totally stab-my heart-to-death..

and of course,

he do live perfectly in imagination =)

maybe not knowing you is the best, you can stayed perfect in my mind forever till i forget you someday...

maybe the reason of everything i have is..

i expected too much..

i think too much..

watch too much drama and i relate it too my real life,

and

and

and

i actually very good one

=)

I'm not a mean people..

can you just comment one time?

just one time!

and keep replying~

we can be best friend =D

can you add me~

I'm happy to see that you added me =D

*bright light* [ada chance ni xD]

someone save me from the imagination world

=(

I want a break and yet don't wanna feel damn free with nothing to do..

goshie~

too many thing done this semester..

feels like haven really got a day i can rest well

i mean like a day doing nothing

a day of boredom where you wish you have something to do...

time is packed

and sleep time reduced

i wanted to train myself to be a sleep lesser..

i succeeded at night, but i sleep at morning..

so its the same

==

today morning,

i was scared by myself when i looked at the mirror..

my eyes turn blackie..

so is that the well known legend black circle??

=.=

it looks like i gave someone punch left and right of my eyes..

ouch!

several weeks more final going to start..

yeah~

i study nothing and i learn nothing..

GG~

i need to consult my classmate..

ask them to be my tuition teacher

i am noob!

just a short update and i want to sleep with my beloved pillows and boosters

kekeke..

home sweet home

=)

I am Fierce

I've been trying to be good to others..

but whenever others saying something or praising of my attitude..

there i goes,

i started to became arrogant and acted like a bitch..

oh damn me..

plus,

if someone annoyed me for a period of time with his or her acting,

i will started to hate everything of that human..

no matter what that human said or do,

my brain will choose not to listen or see..

i will even scolded that human if they done something wrong or thing that i thought is wrong

or maybe i just want to scold them.. xD

yes..

i am a badass..

i am a jerk

i am a bitch..

damn me again,

sorry..

i will try to control my bitchies attitude..

long long long post

this gonna be a long post to summarize everything that happen this past few weeks,

why i was so emo with short post~

if you had follow my blog..

well,

main reason is because of busy and tired plus a serious home sick..

really busy with everything,

time flies, and after chinese new year, is already week 9~

5 more week i will be sitting for my final exam..

gosh~ seems like i study nothing for this semester..

today went to a seminar,

i wasn't willing to go, thanks to an assignment who required the student to attend at least a soft skills talks..

now i learned something,

get a slightly motivated,

and earned soft skill points..

i was now being shown a light to the path I'm going to go in future i guess..

something that totally wont be related to what I'm studying now..

in order to achieving it,

start from next next week [sorry, i still wanna procrastinate to rest]

I'm gonna start working hard..

try to control myself not to open my laptop..

i have now successfully control myself from not logging in and crap in msn..

i have also successfully control myself not to facebook so often like what i did previously [atleast a little bit]

now i just need to control myself from blogging and too into the k-culture [IMPOSSIBLE!!! xP]

but what happen last few days is...

just too tired,

and everything seems pissed me..

when i get tired or stress, i just need to hibernate..

but~

I'm busy till no time to sleep!

that why,

I'm easily irritates by small things..

now I'm just done with midterm..

not to say the result..

totally sucks!

result of last minute study and not attending classes..

I'm sorry, i regret now..

that's why two more week i need to shut myself from Internet world..

recently the weather seems moody~

make me moody to go to school too~

why started raining season at the time i need to work hard for exam

=(

make me feel sleepy all the time...

some more the rain seems like love me so much,

whenever i was planning to go out,

it start to rain..

dinner,

school

and assignment have to be postpone..

yesterday were a good day,

been helped by bunch of friends during exam^^

when you get too much, you will lost something,

and that might be the reason why my tyre punctured..

but thanks to friends again for borrowing me money..

thanks to friends who send me warm messages^^

though it was rain, and i need to ride slowly without raincoat like an idiot..

i feel warm~~~~~~

and that moment start,

i realize that there is actually lots of people who paid attention to me,

they help me,

they greet me,

they respect me LOL..

few weeks never back,

thanks to friends again for curing my homesick sometimes^^

thanks to them who willing to out for drinks, crap with me, dinner with me~

i kinda love this feeling,

though i love my home very much,

i try to hold myself to stayed..

two more year,

i need to accumulate more and more memories at here...

all these busy and stressful life would be a memorable memories..

and i still enjoy staying up late till the morning...

thanks friendssssss...

I'm so grateful to meet you all in my life^^

let us together work our very best and graduate~

fight fight!!

hmm.. now only i realize, this post is not very long also xD

thanks for dropping by...

at first,

it's really hard

suffer minor self depression for at least three days i guess..

trying to search for a darker corner to hide..

after deep thought every single night,

i guess..

things should be work fine,

don't worry so much waiyin

i want to talk so much

please listen to my heart

World of Critics

Once you walk out from your room~

you entered the world of Critics..

i really really admire those who can live alone, be independent and ignore all those criticizer

and just be who they are..

i just cant be the way i wanted anymore..

critics really affect me very very much..

i can think bout the critics almost everyday till i really improved or what..

just like previously when my uncle critics on my spectacle looks like auntie,

every time i go out with him,

i will not wear spectacle anymore..

it sound like I'm someone who acted to be what others want me to be..

yes i am..

till now, i can conclude people at here accept the one of me who looks cool, sleepy and arrogant..

maybe i should just live in that way...

or maybe i should just learn to accept critics,

and learn ways to rejects other critics..

********

that is the reason why i don't wanna tell others what actually on my mind and how i feel..

i am now super super afraid..

whenever I'm with the one,

i feel insecure as if that one will see through me..

or tell others...

i really really tired thinking lots of things..

i cant stop my mind from thinking those thing..

there many time i nearly burst into tears..

i keep control it,

because of what others people think of me again..

'strong' people like me shouldn't shed tears..

lock the door,

and just be who am i inside my little room

***********

one problem i wanna get rid is cough..

previously i love to cough..

this is the 1st time i ever get such serious cough..

i woke up to cough every middle of the night..

cough till vomit..

not really vomit, i swallow it back =.=

guess that i really should buy some medicine or consult a doctor if worst..

less talking to control cough..

i really really down..

i wanna go to home

hugs all my pillow... T-T

i want to sleep

pressure at here too high..

though din't have anything to do,

i rather spend two more hour awake till 4am+ and get to bed..

sleep longer make me feel guilty..

one day sleep already making me feeling so guilty =(

sigh..

T_T

rejection

i never or didn't have the gut to share everything about me to people..

i am too afraid people might leave me alone when they knew too much about me..

but..

rejection from other to listen to me is the most horrible thing to be face..

just now,

keep being reject to be listen when i was trying to voice out..

rejection make me feel as if I'm not important..

people make me feel unsafe..

I'm making myself feeling unsafe with people..

i am afraid of anything and everything..

this is what people never felt because they never been neglected by someone whom they wish they will not be neglect with..

or i should say,

they are too like-able by their friends,

that why, they owned the power to reject to listen others..

I'm just needed to approve what you said..

my point keep being reject...

never mind,

i grown up most through rejection..

******

though you making me felt stupid..

i still cant motivate myself to prove that i need not to follow your tail around..

sigh..

can't believe it..

i have to learn to control my attitude and anger

and learn to low down the head and listen..

tell myself every single time,

don't argue.. don't argue..

just follow, just follow.

but in the end,

i still burst out everything i feel..

i am really weak in controlling my fucking emotional intelligence..

damn..

damn me..

damn the weak me..

oh damn..

i am so down...

frust

stress

my mind feel nothing..

i can't even sleep..

fuck!

T_T

****

why people keep asking bout it??

it make me feel that i am really not friendly to be friend with

though i know that's the fact which i don't want to admit..

==

i don't know what's wrong..

maybe the problem come from me..

i am born to be a little bit cool aka lansi..

but for sure is..

i am 100% sure that i am not LESBIAN..

please don't touch this kind of sensitive issue..

i damn fucking hate it..

making me so speechless and embarrassed in the same time..

what you all wanna know??

i tell truly there is no one,

ya..

never been a single person came to me personally..

did i wish for it??

yes! previously, i do expect very very much

but the expectation some how grew to be lesser and lesser..

as many people told the truth of me that i am hard to be talk to..

i am not pretty

i am not good

and bla bla bla..

but i didn't mean wanna blame them,

they just wake me up from fantasy to realize the cruel and how realistic the people are..

making me feeling so scare and embarrassed with myself as i feel i don't deserve to be..

till now, when people trying to say something good,

it just make me feel like they are just trying to make me feel better...

and that's make all the expectation grew lesser and more lesser...

did i found someone?

yes.. i do found someone i like,

should say several.. xD

was waiting him to make the move,

but he never =..=

but it's okay,

at least he still stay perfect in my imagination

and as time gone,

those feeling gone as well..

friend,

i wasn't trying to blame you all..

my expectation is high maybe..

too many fantasy lead me to this=..=

anyway,

i appreciate your concern..

please continue give your positive comment on me,

so i can still improve myself before the right one found me..

and one more important thing i wanna mention is..

I AM NOT DESPERATE

-the end-

Work Hard

I've been busy working hard this few days..

handling lots of stuff in the same time,

assignment, events and others stuff come in together..

the time is pack,

and lots of thing have to be done..

when i really work hard into something,

there is time i came to the down phase of my life..

*how come i still cant be as good as other?*

tough question keep pop~ing out

to test my EQ whether i will continue strive for it or just give up..

tonight is the night,

where i really feel like giving up..

my mind said:

"well, this is me.. procrastinate and giving up to avoid the reality"

this time,

i wanna be a bit different..

work hard atleast for the things i like..

setting a target..

before the end of this semester..

i hope i can at least learn something..

to prove to myself that i can!

YES!! I CAN!!!!

one more thing that i wish is, i hope i can adapt to the pain

and let the pain be part of me.

so that i wouldn't felt so pain anymore?