pain...

i think it is getting more worst before i came here
the pain were unbearable..
and there are something inside were being force to came out..
but i just keep holding it...
pain and nausea
haih...
i hope I'm not the chosen one..
but it chosen me..
TT
when will it attack again...

today i even late for class..
i remember i set up alarm 3 hour earlier and keep on snoozing until i wake up
i cant remember when is the time i off the alarm..

things are getting easier from start
but it getting more and more complicated..
things that i hope not going to happen
is happening again..
maybe from the start, i shouldn't take all the responsibility..
i tried to pushed it away,
but the thing i hate keep being push to me again..
I'm not really that strong..
just independent need the rejected to act strong to keep holding on
before the rejected fell down..
why other can be the one and i cant?
why they can get it and i cant?
why other deserve and i don't?
why people think for other but not me?
the why started to pop out again..
just like the previous semester..
the previous semester totally freak me out..
only my best friend at here, really know what happened..
so now, before everything start in this semester...
I'm became so uncomfortable..
each classes totally freak me to attend it..

keep telling myself that
things have a good and bad points..
maybe this is not that bad..
at least i experience this...
university life sound fun from the outside,
but, it is not...
today i think a lots...
maybe because of the pain,
i tend to keep my mouth shut and concentrate on music or lectures
so that it will slightly decrease the pain..
think of going home,
where i can hide myself in my bedroom..
my comfort zone...
time pass so fast...............
i wanted to procrastinate!!!!!
but due to my previous failure..
i think i did not deserve it..
another failure will drag me into the pool of shit
why they born so clever??? why why why

people say,
you are not clever is OK.. as long you are hardworking..
you can be as clever as them..
hard work? how only it counted as hard work?
i said i am hardworking..
but they will said I'm not
i said I'm not clever
but they said I'm clever..
clever this word really give pressure
just because i success one time,
doesn't mean i will for the other times..
i try to keep low profile,
but people around me just don't get it..
praising got limitation..
there are people who love to be praise..
but praising to me.. i will think a lots..
just because I'm a thinker..
whatever compliment to me(no matter is fake or truth)
i will treat it as a fake (some kind of teasing)
and so do jokes...
limit it...
i used to joke a lots, until i realize that
i hurts lots of people feelings..
so i shut up
and let others to jokes on me
maybe this is the cause and effect..
i jokes on other, so people fooled back me
i accepted all this with no complain...
is good to see other laugh instead of crying...


maybe this time it will be easy than the previous one..
and now.. i had to stop
sleep is important for me..
the only things that can entertained me..


[life seems so simple for her]