be yourself?

there is a thing that people tell us on how to became a better person
just be yourself, do not live just to pleasure others
i really do not believe in this
be yourself? yeah..
some people might can successfully did this,
and became a person that other people care for..
but behind every thing there sure be a poison sting..
people are realistic.. this is the truth, because I'm one of them..
people just love to back stab each others
whenever they met, they only talk bout gossip..
seems like gossip connect ppl together...
so does people really care for you?
or there is a meaning behind it?

but as for them,
i guess people love them...
A LOT!!
one of them tell me that, he did not understand why the other one seems to be so cold toward this friendship..
and blame the one?
but did you all what actually is the problem?
i guess i knew..
but i wouldn't wanted to tell out..
but i blog bout this before...
he would not get the point what I'm trying to tell him
so better just said I DON"T KNOW
three word to survive in this complicated and cruel world..


but i do no live to pleasure others..
phrase that my friends teach me
i just talk to people i wanted to....
i do it quite obviously i guess..
there is a reason for why i did not wanted to talk to you
or even look at you...
maybe this is my problem..
I'm arrogant and snob..
but I'm not that important for you to talked to right?
and you only talked to me when you are far away from them..
I'm just a puppet to entertain you...
or i did not know how to communicate with people
people started not to pay any attention to me anymore..
whatever thing that i said is just wind that passes by their ears..
i really appreciate those who are still listening to me..
that's is real friends
while others, only talked just to get advantages from me..
i just cant help myself thinking that,
people interact with people are for a purpose...
until now it is still the same,
maybe because of that, i did not wanted to talked to you

I'm in love to keep my mouth shut...
wearing a earphone doesn't mean i did not listen...
sometime, i just wear it purposely because i did not want to talk,
but i do listen

i like to talk only with my best friend here...
whatever important things that i am doing here..
one call or message to go out..
i will willing to dump all those thing and go out..
as that is the only way,
i can be myself..
i can talk whatever i want
i can talk fast and loud...

I'm getting deaf as day pass..
maybe the effect of using headphone too much..
people around me that close to me knew that there is something wrong with my ear..
but others.. they thought I'm fooling them..
but sorry to those who i had make them feel that i did not respect them in a conversation
maybe i should just nod nod my head and smile, even though i did not understand what are you trying to telling me..
people that don't understand it and might think i talk loud purposely,
but they did not know the reason why I'm talking that loud..
learn to lower my volume and slower the speed at here...
even feel suffocate when i try to talk...


recently i really think a lots..
but i cant express those feeling i have in my heart in word
the fear i had freak me..
haunting me everyday..
whenever i think back, tears drop...
suddenly i feel a fear,
and this fear had been with me this few days,
but i just don't know why i feel like that...
I'm scaring myself..

i just cant help myself to hate you...
I'm the jerk...

previous week,
i wanted to stay here with them..
but maybe the one had left
i don't know why, i cry after you left...
less one person in my life to talked with...
even now, i still cant accept it..
whenever im think of this..
i started to cry..

this week,
im trying to go home badly..
since they all seems not bother at all..
why should i?
just forget it...
I'm the jerk...

and for you:
no reason for you to think a lots..
at least you knew who are the person that you can trust here..
you just don't realize,
there is a lot of people love the way you are...
the talent you have....
at least
you have lots of friends behind you to support you...
people love to be friend with you...
attraction!! understand???


maybe i should just change my blog link..
to totally separate them with me...
is this the reason for me to use to escape myself from reality?
aaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!