something to say?

I've got something to say..

but whenever i wanted to say it out..

i cant..

now,

even starting a normal conversation

i have to think awhile..

will my questioning bothering?

will what i said bored you?

when so many things twisting in my mind..

people cant wait and walk away..

my lip is glued

and

dot dot dot

they just don't understand why i choose to avoid..

i really afraid that i will burst into tears suddenly

i don't want to freak you all

even in school

there are times, i bear it hard

really hard

just to stop the tear flowing down..

with this kind of emotion i have right now

i really scare that i will fall before the final..

i no longer have the fire to continue the study

i sound so stupid

thinking all those impossible stuff..

but i just cant move on

i cant~ i cant~

there will be reward for them

as they put lots of effort for everything they do

i put lots of effort..

people laugh at my efforts..

i don't think, people will realize what I've done for them..

i end up nothing..

people say to me that,

nothing will change

in fact,

it changes a lot

am i the one who changing and i cant used to be with the old you?

crying and hiding is ways that i choose to escape from the truth..

even now, I'm still searching for various of excuses to escape from them..

i just cant,

i don't know what is the problem within me..

I'm just don't know..

from the moment i started know how to think

i start to think of what i want

till now, i never found and exact answer of what i want

people live in hopes and aims..

while i live for?

people giving me a lots of hopes

but

when i started to look carefully

everything is just a lied

i don't know why on hell

you all love to give me fake hope

I've been drop from sky to ground most of the time

today you say like this

and tomorrow,

you giving me others things

arghh.. i don't know what am i typing anymore..

is up to you whether you understand or not

another thing is,

besides giving me fake hopes

they love to judge on me

not to say judge...

to make it simple

what you know about me, is not me..

everything you say about me, is not me either..

but,

I'm tired

I'm tired to correct the mistake you all thought of me

maybe, by this way...

if my sorrow,

will make you happy,

I'm willing to do it for you...

secret is no longer a secret

when you tell me to keep it as a secret

sometimes it is funny

to keep secret of you

and i get to know that,

everyone know your secret

but just because you asked for it..

i do it for you

not to say that I'm sound so Godly at here

but i like to be with you

that's all

parents started to scared of me i guess..

they less scolded at me compare to last time..

today my mum tell me,

to get out from my room and stop hiding at room everyday..

father tell me that, finally i saw your face after so many days..

even living in the same roof,

but it is hard to see my face..

brother went inside my room and get out saying nothing

did i really freak them??

maybe i suit to be a hikikomori

I've been thinking of skipping the class this whole week

but the barred lost scared me off..

last time,

i really afraid of being too lonely

too silent

too dark

but now, all of this making me feeling so comfortable

i just want to stay inside my comfort zone

that's all...