=/

people said,

all you need is just ask and people will come to you..

but when this come to me..

no matter how hard i ask..

there are just people would not want to come near me...

no matter how hard i try..

everything they gave me is just a dead sentences..

i try hard to create a lively conversation with you..

but each of you keep give me those dead answer which i hate it most..

anything la

whatever

o

OK

when i pissed off..

i try to use back this word back to you..

result were quite obvious that you are pissed off..

and you show your pissed-off-look right on spot to me..

oh great..

today i had make some one upset with me again..

i cant even control myself for not doing that..

i did not mean to hurt anyone..

i just wanna show back that the word you use daily to me..

is basically hurting me..

so you can get hurt with the word you use to hurt me, and I'm not?

i did not said a thing because i don't wanna continue argue with you..

plus,

if anything when wrong..

people will just point to me..

ya la.. you mess up with waiyin.. the most aggressive one..

but when you mess with me..

what can i said?

people just never bother...

and the way you treating me is just far so different compare to other..

when i complain, people will think that I'm trying to play manipulated mind,

so that everyone will hate each others..

most of the cases i just keep quiet and bare through it..

but people tend to step it even higher on my head..

when i try to be good to others, you will try to be even more good than i am...

so that people will acknowledge you..

no matter how hard i try,

i keep lose to you...

maybe i just don't have social skills like you...

when i ask why, you ask me to shut up and just give an answer..

okay fine..

why you wanna ask so many why on me back??

i started to hate those friendship or any bonding..

watching the bonding that the anime character keep saying all the time for every episode sound kinds of craps..

when people choose to abandon you, that is..

they will never look back to you anymore...

no matter how hard i beg..

sometimes, 10 sentences i said cant be compare to an 'OK' that he/she reply...

this is some of the reason why i hate to talk to some of the people around me anymore..

i think they not even bother of it..

yes I'm quite happy seeing everyone in silent..

I'm happy when you wanna talk to me,

you need another medium to do so...

you need a person to accompany you so that you have the GUTS to talk to me..

I'm happy with all this mess I'm created..

if becoming meaner if what everyone expected I'm going to be..

than i will be more mean than what i am now.....

my room

love no where but my own room...

past 3 week is a horrible week..

cant even have a good sleep..

plus.. although is been one year already..

sometime, i just dislike sleeping with other..

i mean, i don't like sleeping with people..

err.. how to put this on word.. zzz

i love to sleep at the afternoon..

but i just don't like when i sleep, there is people around me who is still awake..

i don't like to sleep with the light on..

this happen when we stay with other..

I'm not saying that my room mate is bad or what..

i just adapted to sleep alone...

i have successfully convince my parent to let me live in a single room..

just have to wait one more year..

today went to supermarket with my mum...

i put lots of thing in the trolley and she paid for me..

thanks mum.. =)

she bought durian for me to eat..

have been hunger for it since the durian season attacking.. lol

my aunt told me that,

she heard my father said

"ahyin yao fan lei mea? zhong ji mai lau lin fan lei bei hui sek lo"

wah... so gam tong when i heard this..

is good to be back to home..

the weather is so nice for the whole day..

windy windy~~

just love the cold breeze

i can even sleep with the fan off today.. ^^

I've been so tired for the previous week..

that's why i wanted to go home so badly..

at home,

i can do whatever i want..

i even have my own room..

it is comfortable for doing everything i like without have to hesitated i will disturbed anyone..

i need to rest my mind..

only at home,

i can fully rest my mind without even thinking the burdening pressure i have at school..

all the homework, practical test, mid-term an worst of all CGPA..

==

boring update just to share how i love my room..

^^

thanks for dropping by~~~

=(

argh..

i hate it..

hate myself for being so weak when i trying to be mean..

small thing happen and everything of me become un~organizable..

i never learn to shut up..

never learn to think twice before saying it all.................

I'm just a jerk after all..

everyone started to afraid me and they choose a word 'respect' to represent how afraid they are to me..

i just hate this feeling where everyone treated me in this way..

back then,

no one treated me in this way..

people treated me normally,

even how arrogant i am.. they will just point it out straight to my face in a good way..

people I'm facing right now is much more horrible..

they did it behind me..

some even isolate me..

stay away from me...

when I'm trying to be good,

they just had the perception that this is just me..

I'm mean

I'm arrogant

everything of me is equal to a jerk..

maybe I'm just a jerk after all..

there is some reason why all the people treated me in this way...

can't you understand how sad i am now?

now i sound like a joke to everyone...

i cant even find someone to talk too..

i cant even find a way to express how sad i am to someone..

i cant even find a place i can cry out loud without letting other ppl know..

i cant even have the courage to call back home and express everything..

i just cant..

no one is there when i really need someone...

and I'm sick and tired with this...

and the sad thing of all is..

you never notice it..

you never bother to care bout it..

is this all about?

this is the friendship i had build?

family supporting is not strong enough...

i am so damn upset with everything..

maybe just today..

i really cant accept it..

i am so damn weak...

i am really tired of being the 'me' right now..

i am so tired with everything..

i am so tired being stuck with all this thing..

i am tired with this life...

T__T

wish it will never stop flowing...

I'm so tired thinking bout this..

i want to back to my room..

my very own room..

shut myself from the world..

Update

is not insomnia..

is refuse to sleep..

not tired but just feeling so tired...

getting harder to breath..

i am mentality tired...

physically getting older...

rather spending night doing nothing and spend time online~ing..

searching for songs that suit my mood the best..

and i listen to him again...

the only one who sang what i feeling every night..

expectation beyond expectation....

and i just don't understand the whys why in me..

the answer from other never satisfied me..

I'm sad with it..

I'm upset with it..

I'm upset with everything..

I'm upset why other can be upset than me..

I'm just upset..

I'm not emo..

just love the feeling of alone~ing..

love the cold night breeze..

love the dark sky..

love to stare at nothing for nothing..

love to just quietly enjoy the moment I'm enjoying now...

but i cant control tear to drop, and i don't even know why I'm crying now..

and then i realize..

i need Anime again..

is been a long long time, i never had a good laugh for a day...

why you never invite me?

why you never call me?

tired of waiting...

Short Update

Just finish my one day with three exam yesterday..

result haven't out yet...

but i have full confident to get mark that will out of my expectation^^

just now..

my lecturer distributed mid-term paper..

oh yea~

i score quite high..

a total of 90% after add in the 'mercy marks' that lecturer promise..

but the only things that make me a bit pissed [really just a bit]

is the lecturer says good things to all the boys who score quite high..

eg:

"not bad not bad"

"quite high what"

"good"

and when i submit my paper to register my marks..

he straightly ask

"eh u do it your own or copy?"

i said i do it in group discussion

"with who?"

i said i do it with my CS friends from foundation..

and he said

"so U copy more than do it yourself la?"

i just laugh and leave

and i heard..

"she laugh like this mean she really copying lo"

and others people who still at the class laugh..

actually,

i don't mind being tease like that..

don't get me wrong..

i just think that the lecturer thought that boys can done better than girl in this subject..

er~~

no comment anymore..

by the way..

this short update is not suppose to brag bout how high mark i score all my mid-term and practical test..

the true story start here..

the lecturer is right bout me..

i really do copy the answer from 3 different people..

i can said that 80% is copy while 20% is my hard work of trying to search out the answer and understand the answer..

this is the first time I'm so rely on tips and "answer" provided by my friends..

most of the test are 99.99% similarity of what friend provided me with..

i even cheat during practical class...

this is how i get my high mark from..

every exam i had till now..

i only done one myself and i score 84%~

because it is an open book practical test..

i am not clever..

i am clever because i have friend like them..

thank you...

i will so rely on this tips is because i wanna score high for my coursework mark..

i need an insurance for not getting into the probation list

and bad news come after this week..

I'm going to start studying really really hard to cope up with every subject..

huhuhuhu~~

i really know nothing bout everything I'm studying now..

i should start with subject that I'm going to aim at least a B an above..

Introduction to Computer Organization and Architecture

all the best to me..

usssshhhhhh ar~!!!!!!

Songs To SHARE~

yea~

my baby laptop is back..

and is time to massively update with all the song i miss out...

and here are some songs i wanna share with you all..

李霄云 你看到的我是蓝色的 All Blue

发行时间：2010-7-7

发行公司：天娱传媒

专辑语种：国语 Mandarin

Track List :
01. 你看到的我是蓝色的

02. 习惯

03. 爸爸给的坚强

04. 被剧终的音符

05. 灯

06. 我没那么狠心

07. 微笑练习

08. 你不在的时候

09. 沉淀

10. 我为谁而来

her style, i mean the look.. is some kinda alike with 刘力杨

did not mean to download her album but the title just attracted me..

well, i guess this china artist does impress me...

next is going to be

SHINee

Title: The 2nd Album `Lucifer`

Genre: Dance Pop / Ballad
Release Date: 2010.07.19

Track List:

1. Up & Down
2. Lucifer
3. Electric Heart
4. A-Yo
5. 욕(慾) (Obsession)
6. 화살 (Quasimodo)
7. 악 (Shout Out)
8. Wowowow
9. Your Name
10. Life
11. Ready Or Not
12. Love Pain
13. 사.계.후 (Love Still Goes On)

ooh yeah~ this album really attracted me..

their boombasstic songs really addictive!!!

love them

lots of new songs are release..

南拳妈妈，王力宏，and so on~

not able to listen to every songs.. i only got pair of ears T.T

and..

i ended this post with this songs...

this song give me the feeling like

Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling

^^

War Of My Life

if the way i talked annoying..

sorry,

i will to shut up..

if the way i cut/join into your conversation annoyed you

sorry,

i will leave immediately

if the way i act distracting..

sorry,

i will disappear..

if talking to me wasting your time..

sorry,

please don't ever do it again to me..

I'm not forcing you to talk to me whenever I'm down or happy...

if my unhappy distracted your emotion..

sorry,

i will not tell you anymore..

i wont tell you anything ever again...

please don't force yourself to ask me what happen...

sorry,

please don't visit here anymore..

sorry,

i will not find you during these period until I'm able to control it...

if everything of me disgust U..

sorry,

i will choose to avoid U..

in the mean time,

i will change..

maybe i should just shut up..

and talk whenever is needed...

maybe i should just disappear..

so that i won't annoyed anyone...

sigh~

it hits and give me a huge impact..

this really hurt me a lot,

and it does change a lot on everything..

i cant forget it...

everything in my life seems uncontrollable since it attacked..

i thought of lots of things since that day...

the silently is so creepy and it freak me out..

i can feel everyone hate my existence on that moment..

it feel so damn awkward as i got no where to go but just remain silently and let the rain wash it all away..

avoided all this thought by watching anime for two day non stop...

and it help..

but whenever i stop..

it comes again...

I'm the one who should be blame for not putting effort or noticing the fact that i hurt U before..

and the hurt is hurting me so so so so much..

T_T

everything had change...

or is just me..

me who want to change it..

to be a better me?

i am weak,

because i don't have enough hatred

#########################################################

thinking of wanna spend lots of money whenever I'm sad...

and something hit my brain..

and i remember a fact..

oh yeah, I'm not a rich one..

Iphone, Samsung Galaxy S, Nikon DSLR, Nikon Camera..

all these will be just a dream that i could not dream off...

is hard to face the reality after being hit by so many things this few days..

whenever i gather all the energy to make my move..

I've being shoot again from far...

it seems like i have to stay inside the circle forever...

i wanna fled away..

as far as i could..

starting from this semester,

lot of bad thing happen..

i try to be optimize toward everything..

i succeeded at the beginning..

and now..

everything seems so impossible..

Today is just not the day...

I'm sorry i cant help a thing when

today, a friend told me that...

'today is my baddest day'

the saddest part is,

how many people actually know what is on my mind..

how many people actually will ask sincerely what happen..

everything because you visited here..

by the time you ask,

i will only reply..

I'm fine