Handicap Me

Actually what had happen?

the symptom started several year back then,

i don't really remember..

for sure, it really freak me off..

walking in the house and suddenly i will feel down,

just because my right leg lost it energy..

the whole right leg in pain whenever i try to walk..

lost it balance then i fell down..

i still even remember i need to crawl back to the room..

sleep~ thinking everything will be fine,

the pain will be gone once i awake

this is the story..

for two day,

i stay like a handicap in the bed..

yes..

my leg totally cant move at all.. no damn energy to support my weight..

the first day, i still feel okay with it..

the second day.. it totally freak me,

i start to imagine the life I'm going to go through if my leg really nerve breakdown for the rest of the life from now..

I'm still young,

yes, i did say i want to die fast,

but i dint say i want to handicap in young age! ==

but not whole day in pain of course,

still have normal time, where i can walk for two hour?

go out with my mum.. and suddenly,

shit! it came again..

now i cant walk in the middle of the road..

damn it!!

my mum continue her stuff, i waited her outside

alone..

with my motor..

and the sun..

sitting there waiting..

try to walk..

but the pain.. damn it!!

two time i go out.. it end up in this..

ah~ why leg pain still wanna go out?

no choice! have to settle my government-related stuff before i back..

talk till the end,

it won't lead to handicap i guess..

just something wrong with the nerve, according to clinic's doctor..

but of course, i do pray whatever the doctor said is true..

now walk is not a problem to me after i ate pain killer..

but when i lie down to the bed..

i can feel something weird with my right leg..

sigh.. i do hope nothing when wrong..

everything will be fine after tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow..

or else, I'm going to x-ray, consult expertise in bone~

and then they will found out lot lot of thing in my body already cannot function!!

oh no!!!!!

okay i think a lot..

but,

this is what sick patient do!!!!!

no wonder those who stayed at hospital for long period can lead to depression as well..

==

this sickness totally take off my mind and whatever stuff..

i cant concentrate *excuses?* :P

gonna start work hard now...

and to those who read this..

pray for me *cross finger*

__________________________________________

long time haven't update blog,

and every time i update my blog sure gonna be sad stuff..

pathetic me..

is like nothing good going to happen for me..

true true true :P

is less good thing happen for me..

but whatever is it..

this is not the stuff i want to talk about..

this semester start,

i learn a lot of thing..

one of it is,

i don't want to explain anymore since u don't want to hear this..

thanks to one people, who don't wanna to listen to my excuses no matter how hard i want to clear myself from the guilt..

that people resist to listen, saying i had lot of lame stupid excuses..

and even uses my excuses to make joke..

though i know that people trying to joke around with me *good-friend ma*

but that particular moment really hurt me deep deep to the core..

every single inch in my heart feel so damn pain..

damn.. even nearly cry out..

that moment start, i already felt so heart-distressed..

i hate to explain more anymore..

when people misunderstood me for anything..

i just let them be..

Quote by me: I am born to be HATE, Forget Forget...

to make myself feel better..

it is not fun thing to be misunderstood by people..

it is not fun thing to be hate by people...

my leg incident i mention earlier..

i think i make several people pissed with me just because i can't make up to the date we had agree previously..

i did not explain much, just say that i can't go..

but actually, i had indirectly hint them, saying my leg is kind of weak..

still the same, nobody really bother bout it..

Quote: What i say is CRAP!! nobody BELIEVE it.. Only True Friend understand you..

ah ah.. my true friend will understand me.. fine fine..

relax relax...

eventually, i start to interpret and read other people mind

to guess what on their mind [especially they don't want to talk to me]

yeah.. i feel so proud to guess it right *sometimes*

at least i know to back-off when i guess that people don't wanna to see my fucking face..

need not have to apologize actually...

you make me learn new stuff again.. =)

still wanna talk bout several stuff..

but i guess that is for today...

the second essay really make me down..

it felt as if i really born to be hate by ppl

Orz

TT

i don't know

whenever i get alone,

the feeling come again..

have been feeling like this since last week..

try to immune my brain and heart not to think negatively by listening to songs..

talk with friends,

make myself super busy and damn tired before go off to bed..

try to make myself don't get myself so into the social networking website..

and now, i end up addicted to youtube.com

the silent creep me..

i can't stand it,

i wanted to find someone to talk to, but when im with someone,

i dont know want to talk what to you..

i don't know what actually making me under depression..

i don't know what i want

i don't know what i need

i don't know...

i don't know why i am so stupid..

i don't know wanna how to express what i want,

the want that me myself confuse with..

i..

jealous

envy

you..

finally tear drop after holding it for so many day..

T^T

purposely write so many thing to make myself cry..

i need to release a bit stress..

Friends?

sometimes i don't really know what i done so far is consider what a good friend should do or not..

i think i did not good enough..

but sorry i have to say this though I'm not really a good people also..

is been awhile,

i don't understand why you have to treat a friend like this..

are we consider being as a friend?

maybe the definition of friend by everyone is different.

but in my opinion, my point of view

what you all did is too over already..

you only treat those special one, really special friends

i know you dislike me from the start..

but being a friend,

and you need others to beg you to did something that most of the time we spend time doing it together,

everyday spending that little moment together..

it already should be a habit already,

but you still need other beg you for it..

it sound like i need to beg you,

kneel down for you

just to be one of your friends.

you talk to me when you like,

you ignore me most of the time,

i need to push myself over for you most of the time..

i don't really know this is friend or not..

maybe you really hate me so much..

i don't know? but it really pissed me sometimes..

well,

i still envy you,

despite of what you had done to everyone,

everyone still love you..

this is the power you owned!

by the way,

this is not about me,

I'm just write it out based on how my friend treat my other friend..

___________________________________________

another story,

as friend,

do we really need to count in every single things?

what i done, you need to return it in future..

i ask for your help, because you also need my help..

this kind of feeling..

it make me feel like we are just using each others...

i really scare being friend with you..

i don't know, it feel weird..

even talk to you, i need to be very careful..

you count every single thing so well..

every time i finish talked to you,

i will re-think it..

yeah, i know i done and said something that pissed that people again..

i wanted to say sorry, but in the end i don't..

why? because i forgot bout it,

plus, not really bump with them most of the time~

the moment we saw each other again,

i think that feeling of pissed already gone?

maybe bunch of friends i mixing with now is treating me really really good!!!

extremely good!

fetch me everywhere to play

*i not even treat them eat or paid for the petrol money*

sometimes treat me eat and drinks..

out with me anytime and anywhere!

though they did not listen to my stuff all of the time,

but i don't care...

at least got people i can talk crap with xD

i feel good being with them,

friends that don't count every single thing..

friends that i wont feel paiseh to ask help..

i ask help most of the time,

if i never ask for your help,

that mean you are the one being mention?

hahaha~

i don't know..

think about it...

maybe i requesting too much for a friends..

xP

sorry if i hurt you~

oh by the way,

one more theory i learn

because i hurt most people with this..

when treating another friends good,

don't tell your other friends..

they will be very upset =(

example?

i treated my friend mcD the other day,

i don't know why i will mention it in front of my other friends...

and they were so upset ...

aiyo~ i say i treat u, u duwan jek.. xD

talk till the end,

am i your friend??

T^T

don't hate me..

i like all my friend!

ME = Lansi??

I very arrogant?

i very snobbish?

I very Lanci?

previously i may~

but is not that i put my pride high~

is because i afraid people would not want to recognize me as friend..

i live in shameful live =(

lol

this is so over-crapped..

but this is what i think of myself..

sometimes,

i don't even think i deserve being friend with you..

i will always thought that i may not be that good,

you will feel ashamed to have me as friend...

sigh~

maybe the friend circle i have previously is too small..

my friend protected me well..

i afraid of being hurt..

i afraid people may not want to wave back or smile back when i smile or wave to them..

too many thing that i afraid..

i try to change now..

now i am slightly better..

i am little bit brave when I'm with friend,

i feel confident to do so if there is friends beside me..

(still sound like loser ==)

but people just don't want to look at me..

i don't know why..

the same friend i had met for two years plus plus or even more

they just don't wanna look at me..

is it i change too much that they cant recognize me..

sad

my problem?

my fault for not just go and say hi to them?

my face problem?

i born with arrogant and fierce face?

i am not friendly in reality?

people dislike me?

i cant open a conversation well?

I'm not a good talker?

things that i talked boring?

i too boring?

i am not attractive enough to be listed in your friend list?

i look like a nerd-IT~ians?

T^T

that people added many people, but not me..

i hesitate many many many times,

thinking wanted to add or not..

in the end, i end up not adding anyone..

for me, i afraid the people feels like i add them because i need to use them or what..

plus,

i added one guy i liked previously~

and till now, i talk nothing or anything with him..

keep saw his update and i still don't dare to comment!

because i afraid again!

afraid people would not reply!

he even take 3 weeks plus to approve me previously..

make me feel no chance at all and I'm totally stab-my heart-to-death..

and of course,

he do live perfectly in imagination =)

maybe not knowing you is the best, you can stayed perfect in my mind forever till i forget you someday...

maybe the reason of everything i have is..

i expected too much..

i think too much..

watch too much drama and i relate it too my real life,

and

and

and

i actually very good one

=)

I'm not a mean people..

can you just comment one time?

just one time!

and keep replying~

we can be best friend =D

can you add me~

I'm happy to see that you added me =D

*bright light* [ada chance ni xD]

someone save me from the imagination world

=(

I want a break and yet don't wanna feel damn free with nothing to do..

goshie~

too many thing done this semester..

feels like haven really got a day i can rest well

i mean like a day doing nothing

a day of boredom where you wish you have something to do...

time is packed

and sleep time reduced

i wanted to train myself to be a sleep lesser..

i succeeded at night, but i sleep at morning..

so its the same

==

today morning,

i was scared by myself when i looked at the mirror..

my eyes turn blackie..

so is that the well known legend black circle??

=.=

it looks like i gave someone punch left and right of my eyes..

ouch!

several weeks more final going to start..

yeah~

i study nothing and i learn nothing..

GG~

i need to consult my classmate..

ask them to be my tuition teacher

i am noob!

just a short update and i want to sleep with my beloved pillows and boosters

kekeke..

home sweet home

=)

I am Fierce

I've been trying to be good to others..

but whenever others saying something or praising of my attitude..

there i goes,

i started to became arrogant and acted like a bitch..

oh damn me..

plus,

if someone annoyed me for a period of time with his or her acting,

i will started to hate everything of that human..

no matter what that human said or do,

my brain will choose not to listen or see..

i will even scolded that human if they done something wrong or thing that i thought is wrong

or maybe i just want to scold them.. xD

yes..

i am a badass..

i am a jerk

i am a bitch..

damn me again,

sorry..

i will try to control my bitchies attitude..

long long long post

this gonna be a long post to summarize everything that happen this past few weeks,

why i was so emo with short post~

if you had follow my blog..

well,

main reason is because of busy and tired plus a serious home sick..

really busy with everything,

time flies, and after chinese new year, is already week 9~

5 more week i will be sitting for my final exam..

gosh~ seems like i study nothing for this semester..

today went to a seminar,

i wasn't willing to go, thanks to an assignment who required the student to attend at least a soft skills talks..

now i learned something,

get a slightly motivated,

and earned soft skill points..

i was now being shown a light to the path I'm going to go in future i guess..

something that totally wont be related to what I'm studying now..

in order to achieving it,

start from next next week [sorry, i still wanna procrastinate to rest]

I'm gonna start working hard..

try to control myself not to open my laptop..

i have now successfully control myself from not logging in and crap in msn..

i have also successfully control myself not to facebook so often like what i did previously [atleast a little bit]

now i just need to control myself from blogging and too into the k-culture [IMPOSSIBLE!!! xP]

but what happen last few days is...

just too tired,

and everything seems pissed me..

when i get tired or stress, i just need to hibernate..

but~

I'm busy till no time to sleep!

that why,

I'm easily irritates by small things..

now I'm just done with midterm..

not to say the result..

totally sucks!

result of last minute study and not attending classes..

I'm sorry, i regret now..

that's why two more week i need to shut myself from Internet world..

recently the weather seems moody~

make me moody to go to school too~

why started raining season at the time i need to work hard for exam

=(

make me feel sleepy all the time...

some more the rain seems like love me so much,

whenever i was planning to go out,

it start to rain..

dinner,

school

and assignment have to be postpone..

yesterday were a good day,

been helped by bunch of friends during exam^^

when you get too much, you will lost something,

and that might be the reason why my tyre punctured..

but thanks to friends again for borrowing me money..

thanks to friends who send me warm messages^^

though it was rain, and i need to ride slowly without raincoat like an idiot..

i feel warm~~~~~~

and that moment start,

i realize that there is actually lots of people who paid attention to me,

they help me,

they greet me,

they respect me LOL..

few weeks never back,

thanks to friends again for curing my homesick sometimes^^

thanks to them who willing to out for drinks, crap with me, dinner with me~

i kinda love this feeling,

though i love my home very much,

i try to hold myself to stayed..

two more year,

i need to accumulate more and more memories at here...

all these busy and stressful life would be a memorable memories..

and i still enjoy staying up late till the morning...

thanks friendssssss...

I'm so grateful to meet you all in my life^^

let us together work our very best and graduate~

fight fight!!

hmm.. now only i realize, this post is not very long also xD

thanks for dropping by...