Im a FAILURE

damn me..
I'm trying to control myself not to touch the laptop..
but i cant..
i will end up sleeping whole day or wandering some where else..
huh~~

I'm such a disaster
in a day time,
i destroyed two item of my housemate..
T.T
I'm totally freak out
and i cant give any emotion to explain my feeling right now
after the second incident..
i really freak out and hide in my room for more than 3hour..
what's wrong with me!!!
i think i even can burn down the whole house just now..
shit..
I'm such a failure..

then i realize i make my maxis number inactive..
and now..
i lost more than RM50
haih...
what a bad day...

although housemate dint say anything bout this..
but i guess,
they sure will upset bout this..

i don't want to talk anything with them
talk with them will remind me of my stupidness..
haih....

[study mood plz come]






[edited at 9.50p.m]
everyday chat with my housemate
and i end up listening only
listen to their childhood memories
their home town
their everything..
and i really wanted to talk about me.. but in a sudden of time, i cant re call any memory of me back then..
i was like living in a very boring life style if compared to them..
another thing that make me jealous is,
they owned a sister of their own..
to have a sister is great i guess since my brother did not concern bout me at all..
and now, my housemate are chatting with her sis through phone..
i cant explain the feeling..
maybe alone? loneliness?
my mum and i did not even called each other..
i guess one week one time if i did not back my hometown...

housemate desired for a Mr.Right
keep telling me..
compared with other.....
everything of her is so good but no one like him..
then person like me should go and jump lake?
she is so worried bout this issues recently,
maybe she also feel lonely..
so she need one

and me??
maybe heard a lot of interesting thing of her..
make me feel like I'm not deserve to have one..
alone had been with me since I'm in secondary school..
no one bother, even my family [that was my thought when i was at that age]
my brothers did not even bother to get know things bout me
and even now..
if he want to get info of me..
he need to ask his friends(my housemate) and not with me directly..
i saw a lot of people around me had a good relationship with their sibling
maybe an outing?
but my brothers will go together and dump me alone..
while my father had his own activities..
whenever he is back from work.. after eat and bath, he will go out and search his entertainment..
my mother? there is a time i argue with my mum..
i argue with her twice before
we declared silent war with each other..
you may think this is funny to declare silent war with your own mother..


this war last for nearly a year..
during this period, we really did not talked to each other..
i don't know why...
twice also like that... so maybe a total of two year time of my teenage life i did not talked a lot with my family

this is the most hard time of me when the silent war of me and my mum occur
this is the moment, i started to learn to be alone..
thinking of killing myself..
suffocating myself under the pillow...[maybe because of this, now pillow sleep me, not i sleep the pillow]
holding a knife and stare at it for a long time..
spend most of my time at the room..
crying alone at the room..
and never talked my stuff to anyone even my family
and now, of course the relation of me n my mum had become good..
but still, maybe of that incident..
i tried my hard
just to please everyone..

whenever i heard story of family relation of some one..
i will silent a while or maybe just listen
and they don't know how happy they are if compare to me
everyone around me thought that i had a happy life
and i guess they never notice
i seldom talked thing that related to my family...
maybe trying to hold my tear
till now I'm adapting to this behaviour..
i wont cried in front of anyone..
but you tell me that I'm crazy..
'it is good to cried in front of others so that other will concern more bout you'
the problem is who? [i mean last time]

I'm happy right now...
but not as happy if compare to the life before everything of this start
at least, i wont think of committing suicide again..

started to love the life of alone at here..
if there is no examination
but I'm damn sucks in independent..
thinking back the idiot me, spoiling my housemate stuff
making me feels so useless...


my first time to post this sensitive issue of me since i started to blog
maybe influence of my housemate make me feel that i really deserve to be alone
[holding back my tear]
[searching and finding the old me]